That's It

So there you have it, folks. That's the journal I kept while I was on vacation.

What do y'all think? Feel free to post and comment on anything and everything.

I just got an invite for dinner with friends in Mountain View, and then SF just texted and suggested getting together afterwards since I already made plans.

Dunno if either will happen. Dunno if it's smart. Don't care too much right now. I'm just glad to be back and grooving again in SF!

Ta ta!

End of Italy Journal

Wed Nov 30, 2005; 9:45PM; Somewhere USA After Departure from D.C.

Starting at 7:20EST. I forgot my work password. Yikes! Will it come back to me when I try to login in tonight? I also don't know where I put my house keys. I have my garage and gate openers. I hope it's in my blue duffle bag.

Things I'll remember:

-Meeting pub owner, Bernie, in Erding, Germany
-Fra. Angelico's painting rendition of the last judgment
-The way JC would say, "Hey Guys"
-Overnight train
-The conversation I had with the woman in the 2nd class train on the way to Florence
-Monastery/Convent tour - more memorable than the other museums, besides the statue of David
-Appreciation for my health - being able to walk and climb all over town and up those towers
-Michelangelo's David, up close and personal. Awesome
-Wandering Venice
-Nightlife in Florence
-Gross bread
-Last dinner in Rome
-German guy at the restaurant in Florence
-Being scammed by taxi driver in Rome. CT is too nice.
-Running into MN2 in D.C.
-Yummy lattes and cappuccinos
-Simplicity of life in Pisa
-Meltdown with MN
-Marathon in Florence
-Warm waffles in Florence, topped by yummy gelato and ice cream
-First class train

-----

There are many more things I'll remember, I'm sure. This was just the list I wrote while on the plane ride.

Wed Nov 30, 2005; 6:30AM; Somewhere in the Air After Departure from Munich, Germany

My thoughts drift to SB as I sit here during this flight. Why do we always see clearly in retrospect? And why does our view of what could have been or what we think could have been always haunt us? It's one thing to look back and be clear that the other was the issue and that life together would not be good. But what about those times when you clearly see your faults in the process? When life together could have worked out had you been more cognizant of it? Or is that wishful thinking? Delusion?

My thoughts drift to SF (the person, not the city...ha ha...). That relationship will go no where, but it's always nice to have someone there regardless. I see so many relationship dynamics and hope so deeply that those on the ouside looking in will see the depth of the love between my life partner and me. I want someone who wants to live life with me, who will help me bridge reality with my desires.

My thoughts drift to others. Who has been thinking of me?

--------------

Just a few thoughts to add...SF and I have nothing going on between us. He and I are sort of in an ambiguous state right now. We enjoy our time together, but there's a larger awareness that we are not fated to be with each other. So then my question is this: is it smart to spend time with someone where you know there is no future together, even in the platonic sense? Another question is: is it helpful or hurtful to yourself to pass time with someone until the 'right one' comes along? Is it better to be alone or to take a date as it comes?

Obviously I would not be spending time with him if I felt his emotions for me were greater than mine (or vice versa). In some way, I think we're both in a similar state of mind and of being that we're ok with what it is. It's difficult to convey in words, but there's an unstated understanding about our circumstances, and because of that, it's actually liberating knowing that I don't have to kid myself or play games about the reality of the situation.

I personally prefer to be alone and with friends, but one can't deny that it's nice when you can cross the friendship line, be it ever so slightly.

Tues Nov 29, 2005; 12:17PM; Rome International Airport

A long trip. On the way home. Breakdown on Sat 26th. Today was an iffy start, too. Our time together is winding down, thank goodness. This morning I went to see the colosseum. Tonight I'll be back in D.C. How wild is that?

Venice was a quaint fishing village. The time there was great fun, 'tho it rained quite a bit. Then we spent two days in Florence. It was nice there as well. We checked out a local bar on Sunday evening where MN got picked up by some hot Italian guy. I was making eye contact with a cute guy who eventually came over, and I would have liked to spend time with him, but CT and JC are a bit conservative and I didn't feel comfortable pursuing the situation, had it only been me and MN. This guy eventually left - I was so sad! - and then I had some gross guy trying to hook up with me. Why does that always happen? Ha ha...

---------

I'm not sure why, but during the Venice - Florence - Pisa part of the trip I didn't feel compelled to write much. I made mental notes of things that I would definitely remember, but for some reason I didn't feel the need to write it down. Interesting...

Fri Nov 25, 2005; 2:45AM; On the Overnight Train from Rome to Venice

We're stopped at a station platform called Plato Centrale. We're on the way to Venice. MN, CT, and JC are all asleep.

I had the top bunk.

Thurs Nov 24, 2005

Spent Thanksgiving in Vatican City. Saw the Sistine Chapel, saw the portrait of The Last Supper, Pope John Paul II's tomb, St. Peter's Basilica, St. Peter's Square, The Forum. Had dinner at Rick Steve's (the budget travel guru) recommended restaurant. I can't find the name on Google, but will look it up in the guidebook when I get it back. It was an old church converted into a restaurant. Way cool.

We tried to be spontaneous on the metro and got off on a random stop called, Emanuele. Our tix was for one metro ride up to 75 minutes on the the metro, NOT multiple stops within 75 minutes. Ha ha. Lesson learned. Good times. :-)

-----

In case you were wondering why I didn't put in separate posts for these two dates...I am copying my journal to this blog as is (or as close to copying as I can get) . The written form will more or less be the same as the typed form.

If anything...I wonder why in the middle of the night on the train I felt I had to write about this particular experience? Interesting, eh?

Wed Nov 22, 2005; 11:23PM; Rome, Italy

We just got in and did a night tour of Rome. Walked all over the place. From the Colosseum, the Forum, Trevi Fountain, the Panthenon, and so on. We saw many cool things and hope that tomorrow and the rest of the week will be great.

WR crossed my mind. So did SF. So did KW. Lots of people past and present came to mind. Friends, family, past relationships (bfs, gfs, co-workers, etc.). But SB is still in my heart and I need to let go of him somehow.

Evenings in Rome are definitely quite romantic, meant for young lovers and those with carefree attitudes.

Weds Nov 22, 2005; 1:41PST; Washington D.C. Area

Wow. Such a random night. MN and I made it into D.C. JC gave us a night tour of the area. I had been there before when I was 13 years old, so it had been a while since I'd gone back. Prior to our tour of the area, we decided to get food at a Vietnamese restaurant. At this restaurant I randomly ran into another friend, also "MN". We'll call her MN2. :-) MN2 was my cousin's friend in New Orleans. Last year (Jan) we went to the Sugar Bowl to watch the Oklahoma vs. LSU game. MN2 and some of her friends showed us around and was a very gracious host.

Later that year Katrina hit and MN2 and her family were affected by the storm. They lost everything in that situation, so it was SO good to see her. I saw email updates from her on occasion, but it was REALLY good to see her. I can't emphasize that enough.

She and her family are still living in a church somewhere in Baton Rouge, but they are all doing well. She happened to be in the D.C. area having dinner with her friend who had just been relocated by her company from New Orleans to Washington D.C. I guess there's still so much going on with rebuilding lives and homes for everyone out there. I haven't heard much about it in the news, so running into them and hearing about their current situation was an eye-opener for me.

How random is it for me, to have just flown in earlier that day all the way from SF to D.C. and end up in a strip mall in this one particular restaurant and run into a friend who had flown in from New Orleans a few days prior??

Divine circumstances, no doubt. The older I get, the more I believe that nothing is a coincidence. The fact that I am blogging and you - whoever you are - happen to come across this blog and are reading this is not just circumstancial. There's an impression that's to be made here, and the significance of the impact is far beyond what our minds can comprehend. If we understood it, I don't think we could handle it.

Anyway, I left that night by giving her a big hug and a quick prayer to the man upstairs, acknowledging that His ways are bigger than my ways, and that this chance encounter was a sign. A reflection that all is well in my life and that I was certainly where I was supposed to be in His grand plan. As ambiguous and as elusive as my security in life may be on some things, I have no doubt that this is part of life and seeking "truth" and living by "faith" is what it's all about.

Tues Nov 21, 2005; 1:50PM PST; Somewhere Over St. Louis?

On the plane from SF to to Washington D.C.

I like the idea of you. The idea of someone to come home to. Of someone to remember things for. Like when I'm wandering the streets of Rome and I see the Trevi Fountain. To go, "hey, that's neat. I can't wait to tell so-and-so about it when I get back."

I never thought I'd be chasing some dreams solo at this point in my life. This trip was partly the acceptance that travelling with my lover and life companion is still not in the forseeable future. I sit here and wonder what life will be like when you are finally here. I long for those moments when I will plan *our* trips and not worry when I nod off on the shoulder beside me because it will be yours. The familiar nook that is where I rest my weary head from the day's events.

Italy Journal to Follow

Hmm...

I'm not sure how to post about my Italy trip. I kept a very simple journal while I was travelling, just jotting things down as I felt compelled. There's a bit of apprehension as I debate whether to share that journal here or not. I probably will, but that's the funny thing about blogging. In all blogs, whether they are light-hearted, introspective, random, or just ramblings, if you are perceptive enough, you can still tell a lot about the writer and where they are with life. However, the person in real life may not outwardly appear to be what their written thoughts convey. That's where my thoughts lie right now. My reflections and miscellaneous ramblings have depth and flow, but the outward persona is lighthearted and goofy. As I peruse other blogs I wonder if I am accurate in my perceptions about other writers.

Anyhoo...many posts about my trip are to come.

Stay tuned...

Life

Got this from a friend today...


Life is about a**es.
You're either covering it,
Laughing it off,
Kicking it,
Kissing it,
Busting it,
Trying to get a piece of it,
Or behaving like one.


:-)

Have Patience...

A quote from my other blog...

"...Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them and the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. "

- Rilke

Relationship Ramblings

Ok. I've been having a lot of thoughts about relationships the last couple of days, so I figured I'd better capture them now before the mood and moment has passed. This will be a doozy, so forgive me if it's a long post.

When I left for Italy, I went as a group of four. I only knew my friend "MN". Her gal pal, "JC", is married to "CT". I didn't know JC or CT prior to heading out on this trip, so yes, that was kind of crazy considering I was going to a foreign country with people I may not get along with, but I am very easy-going. I generally get along with most people so I didn't think too much about it. As it turns out, the four of us got along splendidly! Much better than I expected.

Anyway...during the trip I got to know JC and CT very well, and being around them as much as we were, I had ample time to observe their relationship dynamics. The two have been together for six years, married for 3 or 4. Let's just say...they are not the couple that give me hope for a happy partnership. The majority of what I saw was bickering, nitpicking, and time spent apart. Deep down I hope that when I am with my partner, that those around me would see the love and feel hopeful and inspired by our relationship. It was quite the opposite feeling I got when I was around them. Seeing them made me fearful of choosing the wrong partner. Of being too unconscious of my role in creating a certain dynamic, and of instilling cynicism in others if I were to be in an example of a bad relationship. I saw glimpses of love (whatever that is) between the two, but they were very few and far between, and it wasn't a very happy type of love, if you know what I mean. I left Italy refreshed and excited and more cultured about life, but I also was left with some disturbing thoughts about the one we choose to love and how we choose to love our partner. I really hope to be in the relationship that everyone envies and not the other way around.

While I was in Italy I thought often of one particular ex bf of mine. I don't know why, but there were many moments during that trip when he came to mind and it makes me wonder. Have I *truly* moved on from that relationship? It's been two years and I have dated others since then. But his impression on me runs deeper than I am able to realize, and it was in random moments where I felt the pangs of that loss so deeply that I would not have guessed so much time had passed since we parted ways.

Then tonight I was deleting very old emails and I came across two folders full of saved emails. One was from an ex I dated around 2001 ("JK"), the other was the one I thought of in Italy, whom I started dating somewhere around 2003 ("SB"). I deleted JK's folder without hesitation and without any desire to review any of our old emails. That relationship was good riddance. I don't harbor bad feelings, just a deep relief and gratitude that we parted ways. I will always wish him well and we had some good times, but he didn't have the ability to love me the way I needed to be loved. That relationship dynamic was SO wrong that it really made me feel irrational and overly emotional. It wasn't until after it ended that I realized I had made a poor choice in that partnership. Subsequent bfs have been much more emotionally available and I came to truly understand how crucial choosing a mate really is. When I started to make better choices in a partner, the dynamic was such that when I reacted to something I didn't feel irrational. I didn't feel overly emotional. When we would disagree, I felt safe to express myself, whether it was to cry, to laugh, to yell, or to be silent, without feeling it was wrong to do so. I needed to feel cherished and loved through all of those emotions and JK was unable to do that for me.

Then I came across SB's folder. I sat there for a few minutes, uncertain of what to do. I was not ready to delete SB's emails yet. In fact, I wanted to read the emails, but I was too scared to do so. Why? I'll share that with you another time, but I will tell you this: living unconsciously is one of the worst things you can ever do. Not only will it hurt *you*, but it will hurt everyone else around you in the end. I just haven't figured out how to let go of this relationship yet. Our paths have diverged, and I am happy going down the road I have taken, but something about this relationship still haunts me and I have yet to figure that part out. Something about it tells me I'm not quite ready for a new relationship yet, but are we ever truly ready? SF and JO have been in contact since I returned from my trip, and I need to tread cautiously as those relationships unfold. To be true to one's self and to have much patience in the process is a neverending exercise in life, no matter how much older or wiser we become.