Relationship Ramblings

Ok. I've been having a lot of thoughts about relationships the last couple of days, so I figured I'd better capture them now before the mood and moment has passed. This will be a doozy, so forgive me if it's a long post.

When I left for Italy, I went as a group of four. I only knew my friend "MN". Her gal pal, "JC", is married to "CT". I didn't know JC or CT prior to heading out on this trip, so yes, that was kind of crazy considering I was going to a foreign country with people I may not get along with, but I am very easy-going. I generally get along with most people so I didn't think too much about it. As it turns out, the four of us got along splendidly! Much better than I expected.

Anyway...during the trip I got to know JC and CT very well, and being around them as much as we were, I had ample time to observe their relationship dynamics. The two have been together for six years, married for 3 or 4. Let's just say...they are not the couple that give me hope for a happy partnership. The majority of what I saw was bickering, nitpicking, and time spent apart. Deep down I hope that when I am with my partner, that those around me would see the love and feel hopeful and inspired by our relationship. It was quite the opposite feeling I got when I was around them. Seeing them made me fearful of choosing the wrong partner. Of being too unconscious of my role in creating a certain dynamic, and of instilling cynicism in others if I were to be in an example of a bad relationship. I saw glimpses of love (whatever that is) between the two, but they were very few and far between, and it wasn't a very happy type of love, if you know what I mean. I left Italy refreshed and excited and more cultured about life, but I also was left with some disturbing thoughts about the one we choose to love and how we choose to love our partner. I really hope to be in the relationship that everyone envies and not the other way around.

While I was in Italy I thought often of one particular ex bf of mine. I don't know why, but there were many moments during that trip when he came to mind and it makes me wonder. Have I *truly* moved on from that relationship? It's been two years and I have dated others since then. But his impression on me runs deeper than I am able to realize, and it was in random moments where I felt the pangs of that loss so deeply that I would not have guessed so much time had passed since we parted ways.

Then tonight I was deleting very old emails and I came across two folders full of saved emails. One was from an ex I dated around 2001 ("JK"), the other was the one I thought of in Italy, whom I started dating somewhere around 2003 ("SB"). I deleted JK's folder without hesitation and without any desire to review any of our old emails. That relationship was good riddance. I don't harbor bad feelings, just a deep relief and gratitude that we parted ways. I will always wish him well and we had some good times, but he didn't have the ability to love me the way I needed to be loved. That relationship dynamic was SO wrong that it really made me feel irrational and overly emotional. It wasn't until after it ended that I realized I had made a poor choice in that partnership. Subsequent bfs have been much more emotionally available and I came to truly understand how crucial choosing a mate really is. When I started to make better choices in a partner, the dynamic was such that when I reacted to something I didn't feel irrational. I didn't feel overly emotional. When we would disagree, I felt safe to express myself, whether it was to cry, to laugh, to yell, or to be silent, without feeling it was wrong to do so. I needed to feel cherished and loved through all of those emotions and JK was unable to do that for me.

Then I came across SB's folder. I sat there for a few minutes, uncertain of what to do. I was not ready to delete SB's emails yet. In fact, I wanted to read the emails, but I was too scared to do so. Why? I'll share that with you another time, but I will tell you this: living unconsciously is one of the worst things you can ever do. Not only will it hurt *you*, but it will hurt everyone else around you in the end. I just haven't figured out how to let go of this relationship yet. Our paths have diverged, and I am happy going down the road I have taken, but something about this relationship still haunts me and I have yet to figure that part out. Something about it tells me I'm not quite ready for a new relationship yet, but are we ever truly ready? SF and JO have been in contact since I returned from my trip, and I need to tread cautiously as those relationships unfold. To be true to one's self and to have much patience in the process is a neverending exercise in life, no matter how much older or wiser we become.