I was thinking about one of my first posts on blogger:
"What Is This Thing Called 'Quarter Life Crisis'?"The essential question I asked myself when I embarked on my blog journey was not "what do I want to do?". It was "Who do I want to become?". So much of my life was spent on trivial things, so many things weren't working for me, and I felt a sense of displacement, as if this life I was living wasn't really mine, that this couldn't possible be 'as good as it gets'. From the outside looking in, my life was great. Standing from my vantage point, however, there was still a lack, a sense that I wasn't all I was meant to be, that I somehow had deviated from the path I was really supposed to live. I had an out-of-body experience and suddenly wondered, "how did I get here?"
It's been 7 months since I started recording my thoughts and experiences in this blog, and it comes as no surprise that I find myself reflecting on my posts these past months. I think I was due for a time of reevaluation. I've been wondering if I got sidetracked from that original intent. Am I becoming the person I want to be? Have I changed much on the inside and do my external surroundings reflect that person?
I believe it's happening.
I sense my patience and understanding has become more abundant, and I find myself just really enjoying the "moments" in life that make life what it is - happy, sad, confusing, mundane, and just funny. There's an inner peace that's developing, there's an authenticity reflected in the relationships I'm focusing on, and there's a love for myself and for all things good in my life. Learning to operate from that inner essence of love is a constant effort that takes much awareness and many moments of trial and error.
And in the end I realize that anything that matters takes time to cultivate, takes the intentional commitment to cultivate it, and takes a deep and strong faith that all efforts stemming from love will result in the lessons and experiences that are perfect
for you. This also means loving the circumstances even if they don't end up in positive ways, and all I can say is that I have a renewed level of gratitude for all of those unfortunate moments in my life, and a greater sense of love when I think back on the good times.
My circumstances haven't changed. Remember how I said I was hoping to change jobs? That didn't happen (although I'm still working on it!). You all know how I've been desiring a relationship. LOL! That certainly hasn't changed. You know how I've been struggling with loving myself. That's an ongoing effort. I could go on.
None of my circumstances have changed but my heart and perspective have, and that, my dear blog readers, is really all that matters in the end. :-)
Somewhere along the way I've slowly started to truly live out one of my favorite quotes which you all have seen me post again and again:
"...Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them and the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. "
- Rilke
Love ya,
Rambling Muse
