Inner Beauty

I found this bible verse on another blogger's site.

1 Peter 3:3,4 - "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment ... Instead it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

I've been thinking recently about beauty and attraction, and what it is really all about. I'm more about character and the person than I am about the outward appearance and first impressions these days.

I really long for someone to see the depths of my soul, to know me completely and to understand my emotions and my reactions to things. I've never been one to care about looks or for the latest and greatest gadgets. Looks, money, status, fame. These are things that have low value to me. Your true worth and value to me is in your thoughts you share, the feelings you express, and the times when we are experiencing ordinary moments together. Who is that person behind the facade? Show me who that is, and I will see real and lasting beauty.

Hmmm...First Dates

I'm working and have Sex in the City on in the background. This particular episode is about first dates. It got me to thinking. Surprise, surprise... :-P

Hmmm...

It got me to thinking about the last "first date" I had. I'm not sure where I'm going with this train of thought, except that all my recent dates have lacked that "first date" feel. Don't get me wrong, I've looked forward to each of those outings, it's just that none of them have made my heart race or my stomach churn. Are emotions like that still capable of happening at my age? Or am I in denial about relationships and just jaded beyond all recognition?

*sigh*

It Shouldn't be This Way

My guy pal, EC, IM'd me today, asking me if I ever had to make a difficult decision. Uhh...ok. So I asked him where he was going with this. Turns out he's been thinking a lot about marriage and whether to move forward with this gal, SL, that he's been dating.

Let me put it this way: I am fearful *for* him. Not only does their relationship concern me, but their relationship is such that it makes me SO, SO glad that I am single. I would rather be single, seeking and pining, than in such a relationship.

He told me some of things people have been telling him:

- they feel like she's controlling him
- that his parents don't like her
- that she's a bully
- that she's disrespectful to him

And so on...

For a long time now I have been praying that he'll see the light and in the intital stages I just figured he'd realize these things sooner rather than later. However, I don't get it. About a year later he's still with her, but each time I see them together it makes me cringe. How can he possibly see a lifetime with such a person? She's mean, rude, lazy, condescending, and definitely insecure, just to name a few of her "better" qualities.

I have not seen him change for the better in this relationship. All I have seen is his slow withdrawal from friends and increasing isolation as a couple, mainly due to her expectations and her demands on the relationship. Additionally, I've felt myself shy away from them as a couple, but have tried my best to maintain my friendship with EC. I've stayed away from them because they are another one of those "toxic" couples that don't instill hope and warm fuzzies about finding a good partnership. I've also stayed away from them because she has not been inviting of his friends into their relationship as a couple.

I've spent some time with SL really trying my best to get to know her and to see if I could see why EC is with her, and I just don't get it. She has not shown generosity, joy, openness, or true faith, love, and patience to her friends and others around her. I don't expect people to be perfect in Christlike love, but I do expect them to be considerate and just kind-hearted, which I have now come to know is innate in a person. I don't think EC gets that. There are some things innate to someone, that no matter how aware of themselves they are, they can never ever truly change. For SL, I do not see her ever being truly kind, selfless, or sincere in her actions or thoughts of others. Consideration is not in her nature. She can try all she wants, but these good qualities do not stem from an inner love for others. I don't know if I'm making sense, but I have a feeling ya'all get it, right?

An interesting thing that EC mentioned was something his pastor had mentioned. His pastor said SL had been through a lot of hurt and struggles (haven't we all?) and that when you marry someone, you marry those hurts and those struggles. Their hurts and their struggles become *your* hurts and struggles. That stuck with me, but in my old age I've already come to know that. I have a lot of hang ups, and I realized those things will never fully be healed. Yes, as an adult we learn how better to mitigate exposure of those wounds, but they never really go away. To find a partner and/or friend who can see, share, and help assuage those wounds is one of the most difficult and most rewarding things we can do for ourselves. That is why its so important to take your time in these matters, to really make friends with that wounded child, and to understand what qualities are needed to create everlasting happiness. There is a *huge* difference between wants and needs, and it's SO much more difficult pursuing the latter, which is the one that matters most.

There's Still Hope

Since I was in a bad mood last night, post ant detail, I browsed some blogs and came across one in particular that really touched me. I've only come across 3 blogs in the last year that have a certain effect on me, all written by women who were seeking, and eventually found, the love of their life.

As I read their stories, my heart leapt as they told their story of heartache, of soul-searching, and of knowing the moment when they found their love.

In my past relationships, I sort of "just knew" when I liked a guy, although I can't say it was ever love at first sight. There was attraction, yes, something much more than just an observation that the guy was cute or funny. Something undescribable that somehow drew me to him, but immediate feelings of love? No.

As I read their stories, it just never ceases to amaze me when I hear how people met their mates, or to hear the moment(s) when they "just knew" it was meant to be. One gal wrote that while she may fight and argue with her mate, she also knows that she is not the same without him, that through all the downs she is still certain of his love and his faithfulness to her. And that living life without him is unthinkable. How sweet is that?

Another gal wrote of a strange moment of familiarity, and how she held back because the situation was such that it didn't seem appropriate to follow through on an action. Later, after talking to her partner, without her having to state it, that particular moment in which she had held back earlier, was when he also felt that same familiarity, and that is when they both knew they were in love with the each other. An instant connection in one cosmic moment. That's just amazing.

I've gotten a bit jaded and cynical about such type of love. A couple of years earlier I would not dare to write of my hopes and dreams in a blog, for fear that I'd be expressing unobtainable dreams and desires. Thinking of myself as a silly girl with silly dreams. In the recent year, however, I have begun to have hope and faith again, of finding my soulmate, my lover, my companion, and of knowing that when I do, our own story will have it's own magical aura to it, and that just like the other bloggers, I'll have my own moment of "knowing", and that the person I am with is the place where I belong.

Soon.

*sigh*

Still Pissed

Don't get me wrong. I woke up this morning giving thanks. It's a beautiful, sunny day in the east bay. Beautiful blue sky and wispy clouds. My 7:30AM concall was cancelled so I was able to sleep in a bit, and because of that, I was able to wake up in a house that was considerably warmer than the previous day's wake up situation. The weather is perfect - a bit cool, but not uncomfortable and the sun is just bright enough to warm your skin and make you appreciate nature the way it's supposed to be appreciated. :-)

I chuckled a bit at myself for yesterday's rant, and even applauded myself for being a self-sufficient woman. How many women out there can say they've done a good job at integrating both their masculine and feminine qualities? How many *men* out there can say they've developed their emotional side successfully?

I'm still perturbed a bit at the way society has changed 'tho. The lines of masculine and feminine design are so blurred now that it's often frustrating trying to navigate in the dating field. I'm all for equal opportunity, but at what price?

On one of our drives between NYC and DC, my friends and I somehow got on the topic of our roles in society and our views on family and having children. To what extent would each of us compromise, how much would we "sacrifice", to what degree do we *really* want them, and how we would raise them, etc. I made a statement about the bay area, in that I know a lot of people out here who want children, but then hire a nanny and are never around to parent their child. I find that incredibly selfish, to which JC and CT (the "questionable" couple) said they found nothing wrong with that.

Ok, is it just me, or did I miss something? Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate how much time and effort it takes to raise a child, and I'm all for hired help and family to assist in the process, but you see so many people out here who don't really know their kids because they are too busy running from meeting to meeting. Why have kids if you aren't going to parent them? Isn't part of having a family so that you can impart some of yourself, your heritage, your culture, your beliefs into them? And isn't part of the reward knowing that the effort you put into them will result in (hopefully) a person of good quality and character? Can you really "take the credit" knowing that nanny Ann was the one who *really* raised them?

Then I look at all these parents who are shuttling their kids between play groups, foreign language classes, team sports, and piano lessons. I can understand the fact that we want the best for our children, but children are just that: children. It's a sad day when kids can't just go knock on their neighbor's door and ask if their friend can come out and play. It's also sad when kids just can't be kids. Let them eat dirt and play in the mud. That's what they are *supposed* to do. There will be plenty of time to "grow up" and to have "adult" concerns.

I really have a lot to say about raising kids these days, and about the male-female role changes, and about the challenges of raising a family.

*sigh*

Is it just me, or does this disturb you too?

More posts on said topics to come, for sure. Lucky you! ;-P

Chivalry is Dead

Is it me, or is chivalry a dying skill/art/character/way of being?

In all fairness, I will address both sexes and the changing roles in society.


Women:

Seems all 'moms' know how to sew and cook. If you look at my generation, how many women know how to sew? How many *really* know how to cook?


Men:

Seems all 'dads' know a bit of handywork/woodshop and car repair. And our generation now? How many men know how to join 2x4's to build a shelf, and how many men *really* know how to diagnose and fix a car?


I want to post more, but I'm tired. It's getting late, and I need to finish up a bit of work.


Tootles!

Ants Be Gone!

Ok...Done with the bathroom ordeal. Now I'm a bit awake and still miffed.

Argh.