A Big Post

This post was written and added to a number of times over the last couple of months. I saved it as a draft because there was SO much I wanted to capture and I didn't want blog fodder to affect my experience. I also wasn't sure what to make of my experiences. As I started to truly experience God, I became very careful about who I shared my experiences with. And then one day my pastor said something that put into words what I was already doing. He said your environment affects your experience with God.

Now, anyone with a head on their shoulders would go, 'duh'. If someone doesn't encourage you or validate your feelings and thoughts, then yes, your experience could either be put in a negative or a positive light. But he went on to say for us folks who live in the civilized, western world, our own theology and intellect quenches what God can do.

If you talk to missionaries who go to third world countries or remote areas of the world, they are witnesses to people who clearly operate in a close relationship with God and they see miracles happen all the time because that is the 'norm' in those societies. It's because these societies aren't bombarded with rationalization or stuff (gadgets, business, etc.) that distract them from their true essence. And, even in Mark 6 (verses 1-6), even God could not perform miracles in his hometown because those around him lacked faith. As I experience more and more of God, I find this to be true. What I am experiencing is too 'real' to just be mind tricks or a secret wish manifesting itself in some way tangible way because I willed it to happen. As I fellowship with more mature Christians and share with those who are earnestly seeking him, I find my own faith growing more and more.

My rational mind is only now yielding to his higher ways and powers. We are all too smart for our own good. And trust me, I'm not one to accept things without challenging or questioning things. I'm constantly thinking, constantly testing, constantly taking things apart and finding errors in logic. God would not want me to trust him and to follow him unless I really wanted to, and the only way I can do so is through questioning and testing my faith. The more I do this, the more I find myself loving him and growing closer to him. Through all of my questions, I keep getting to the point where I can't help but know that he is God. He's real. He's present. He's waiting. Waiting for you, waiting for me, waiting for us to accept his invitation to join him in carrying out his grand plans.

I could go on. I can't get enough of Him. It's crazy!

More later....

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Weds, April 5, 2006

Ok, I'm not sure what to write or where to start with this. I'm going to archive this until I'm ready to post. Not sure if I will post, but I feel like I have to archive this somewhere.

So last Tues 3/28 or Weds 3/29, nothing particularly different was going on with my day. It was business as usual. On my way home something was telling me I should go to a church and just sit. I don't know why and I've never really done that before. But I stopped by this church on my way home. I've never been to this particular church before, and it's not even my denomination. Anyway, so I get to the church and I'm sitting in the chapel. I'm all...doo dee doo dee doo...just sitting. I'm all, "Ok, God...why am I here...Helloooo..." About 5 or 10 minutes later out of nowhere I start to cry. I don't even know why. I just had this undescribable feeling in my heart and it was just overwhelming. I didn't know what was going on. I just kept wondering what was happening to me. At one point I started dialogueing with God. I remember at one point just really feeling unworthy as a human person, just totally aware of my sinful nature. I remember just being in awe of everything He's done for me, an and just not believing all that He did for me. I just told him that I could just tell ... to my innermost core ... that where I am is not where he wants me to be, that I knew He was leading me elsewhere, but to where I wasn't sure. I asked him for clarity and direction. I knew He was working on me and I asked him to have his way in me, to use me for His purposes, and to just help me to trust him more. I didn't really understand this, but that was that. I was a bit bewildered by that experience, but I just sort of accepted it for what it was and just continued on with my evening. Weird, huh?

Then on Saturday, April 8 I go to church service. The sermon was about the three Marys' in the bible: Mary (mother of Jesus), Mary Magdalene, and Mary of Bethany. The preacher talked about being a Godly woman, and how God created from Adam's side, and thus, we were to walk alongside him, and not above or under him. We were to be his partner in life. The pastor also spoke about how men should honor the women in their lives, honor their partner and the role that Christ designed for them. The pastor also said something about how the Marys' in the bible followed Jesus and how in some instances when they did that, other people didn't understand it, or they weren't supported, and that sometimes you as a follower of Christ will have to endure the same things from the people you know.

So the sermon was great as always. Some key things stuck with, as I just stated above. After this sermon, for some reason I felt compelled to seek out a prayer counselor after the sermon. I've never done this, and I wasn't feeling particularly "different" in any way. But I was paired up with this woman, whom I know casually through other church situations. We sit down and I'm not really feeling or thinking much at this time. Not in a numb way, just in a ... I felt compelled to pray, but don't know why -type of way. So we sit down and she asks me what moved me about the sermon or what things struck me from it. I open my mouth to say, "I don't know," but instead, I began to cry! I don't know why. Up until that moment I just felt like I was going about a 'regular' day. I couldn't put into words what my heart was feeling, except that it really became an, "I don't know."

I told her that I really felt God was telling me to take a leap of faith, that my life was going to change in a big way. I was scared and anxious and uncertain about what all that meant and what it would entail. I mean, nothing major in a tangible way is going on in my life that would lead me to believe this, but I truly felt it in my heart. God is trying to lead me somewhere that I just *KNOW* is drastically different than what myself and those in my life would think would happen in my life. This ties into that part about the Marys' following Jesus despite popular opinion. I told her that I was resisting it for some reason, that I didn't know how to surrender to this "feeling", to really just answer his request that I trust Him more. I was scared. She asked me to pray and I told her I didn't know what to say. So she prayed for me instead and all I did was sob the entire time.

Ok, then on Monday, April 10 I head over to Stanford for this biblical counseling class I'm taking. The class is a lecture series that talks about serving others using scripture and such. I think the class was on hiatus (between quarters and I got the date wrong), or the class moved locations temporarily. Whichever the case at the time, I made it to campus but didn't find the class. So on my way home something told me I needed to worship. Something told me that if I wasn't going to this class that I had better use this time to worship anyway. So off to the mission at the Santa Clara campus I went. I don't know why.

I get to the church and I sit down. Again, the same thing happened as before. Doo dee doo dee doo....I'm all, "Ok, God...why am I here?" 5 or 10 minutes later and I start to cry again!! I didn't know what was going on, but my heart was overwhelmed again. After a few minutes of crying, I start dialogueing with God again. Why am I here? What are you trying to tell me? What do you want me to do? Please make it clear that it's you. Please make the steps you want me to take clear and obvious.

At one point this image came to mind: I saw Jesus sitting next to me, my head on his shoulder, he was embracing me, and for a while I felt that comfort, that solace in the embrace of someone that I knew truly 'got' me. So with that image and that comforting feeling, I poured out more of my heart to him. Telling him that I had certain desires, certain beliefs, certain wants and views on life and that if those weren't the things He wanted for me now, then to help me make peace with them so that I could truly live according to His Will. I asked him to direct my path, to grow me and help me through whatever 'this moment' in my life was all about.

So the dialogue ends, I've stopped crying, but something tells me to stay. To sit more. So I do. After a short while I start to cry again! But this time I'm giving thanks. Thanks and prayers for people in my life. I prayed for a lot of people. It was a long list. It just flowed.

So that was that on that evening earlier this week.

However, overlayed with all of these happens in the last few weeks, I kept coming across two particular scriptures, whether it was through conversations or through just random readings and writings.

1. Psalm 46

2. Psalm 139

It's been really weird. I don't know what to make of it all. I know on one hand I am limited in my human and secular self to really grasp all that God is all that He is doing in my life. But on the other hand, I sure wish he wasn't so cryptic in his 'nudgings', directions, and lessons in my life.

What to do, what to do??

*sigh*

April 18

Man, I wish I had continued writing the sequence of these things, but a lot has happened between 4/10 and today (4/18).

I happened to run into this acquaintance of mine one day. By acquaintance, I mean just that. It was just a new gal pal I spoke with once and had seen in social circles over the last month. The other day we finally had another 1:1 conversation. It started off innocently enough, just chatting about living in California, very light conversation. Then, out of no where she said she had been praying for me. I'm all, "ooook" and secretly thinking she's a kook. Of course I ask her why she's been doing that, and she goes on to tell me that God had shown her my heart a while back and that she and her friend (some guy I've never met) had been praying for me every day for about the last month. Interesting. I'm not sure what to think. She goes on to tell me about some of the things she has been praying for and I'm blown away by how she seemed to know the things that were going on in my heart lately. I left that conversation not quite sure what to make of it.

Oh...and I should mention...in that conversation she also mentioned to me that she was gifted in prayer, and that her friend who was also praying for me was gifted in intercessory prayer. Some things she said made sense, other things made me scratch my head and go, 'huh?'. She also said she's always been close to God and that he speaks through her often. Oook! Now I'm really thinking she's a bit weird.

Then later that evening I run into a good friend of mine, Jet. I mention to her the things that I have been experiencing lately and out of no where she goes, "What comes to mind is Psalm 139". I'm silently in shock since, as I mentioned earlier, this particular Psalm had been a recurring mention to me in the last weeks. I mean, of all the scriptures she mentions, she tells me this one comes to her mind!

So now I'm silently tripping in my mind, although just in a bewildered way and not necessarily in a scared way. And Jet knows nothing of my current circumstances or experiences.

So then, there's this book I had that I was thinking about asking her about. I wanted to know if she had heard of it, if she had done the bible study related to it, etc. But before I had a chance to ask, her next comment was, "Have you heard of Henry Blackaby? He wrote, "Experiencing God" I was shocked. This was the exact book I was going to ask her about. Jet mentioned a particular chapter that was useful to her when she was going through a similar experience. Some of you might be just thinking a lot of this is coincidence, but trust me. Of all the multitude of self-help, spiritual and/or christian books out there, she happens to mention the one that was on my mind. How could that not be trippy? AND, she mentions the one scripture of ALL the scriptures in the Bible to me??

Tangent here...the thing with this book is that a good friend of mine suggested this book to me about a year ago. During the time that I've had this book I've picked it up a few times over the month but it just didn't resonate with me, even though something about it kept drawing me to it. So then a week or so prior to my conversation with Jet I had pulled out the book and had been praying for God to show me how and where to go for guidance on all of this I had been experiencing. I mean, there's the obvious Bible, but I was looking for him to direct me to the right people to talk to, to the right books, urls, music, experiences, etc. to go to.

When Jet had shocked me by mentioning the Psalm scripture, the thought popped into my mind that this was a lady I should ask about the Blackaby book. WELL, as soon as that thought popped into my mind, she actually offered the book and a certain section of the book that was helpful to her before I had a chance to open my mouth about it! Words can't convey what a weird 'coincidence' this was. I just KNEW in this conversation that God was affirming his presence in my life and that I was right where I should and that I was doing all that I should be doing at this moment as perfectly as I should be doing it, if that makes any sense.

So, her mention of the bible verse and the mention of this book sort of put a calm inside of me, a sort of acceptance and knowing that all of these random crying spells weren't just some wacky fluke. Our conversation told me that I wasn't losing my mind at all. In a strange way it affirmed that all these random coincidences were really "God-Incidences", as one of my friends put it the other day.

Long story short, through the rest of that conversation it affirmed this moment in my life. That God was clearly trying to get my attention in some way. He's trying to tell me something, and I need to figure out how to respond. I knew He was calling me and that I should just be receptive to whatever He was trying to tell me.

Since that day a few days ago, I've had another chat with the first girl who was my acquaintance (the gal I mentioned earlier who said she had been praying for me). This time we had a deeper discussion about the way God works. We touch on spiritual warfare (a doozy that I won't go into here), and we talk about ways for me to respond and to deal with some fear and trepidation I am feeling about letting go and truly trusting God to have his way in me. Hopefully I'll learn how to better deal with all of this through scripture and to keep praying and reading the bible and just spending time with God.

I've also had another talk yesterday with Josh and a talk today with Eddie, two friends of mine whose faith and relationship with God I admire. Josh was also part of the whole Psalm 139 thing. Prior to a lot of this happening, he had written a song based on that bible verse and had given me a copy. I wish I could put an audio clip here! But that song was part of the initial chain of events back in March. I've also talked with Tonia, this other gal pal of mine. They all affirmed another scripture that had been on my heart and mind: Psalm 34:10, "Be still, and know that I am God." They've encouraged me to stay in prayer, continue to read scripture, and to just spend time with God.

And finally, today...I had another talk with Jet. I can't even begin to explain how odd the entire conversations have been. Through this discussion I think it's been clear what's been put on my heart. God is asking me to focus on Him and to grow with him right now. And in the back of my mind the notion that I need to stop dating, give up certain friends, limit my activities and social events, and to surrender to my job and to other aspects of my circumstances (let's just say the roomies aren't helping put out positive chi).

Jet was quite surprised because it meant that I was going to get serious about God. When she said that I suddenly freaked out a bit. This means that all the dating I've been doing recently (yeah, that's one major reason I haven't posted in a while) will cease, and the idea that I want a husband and family sooo deeply right now, really scares me because it would mean that I'm not taking human action to pursue that desire I have. It would really mean letting go of all things in that area of my life and totally trusting and seeking God for a while. It could mean he's not going to provide a husband and/or family for 1, 2, maybe 10 years or never! It's scary and I don't know if I'm ready to do that.

But another thing...so on Tuesday evenings (tonight 4/4), I am taking a class at my church called, "The Holy Spirit and His Gifts." I took this class last fall and didn't finish it for various reasons. But tonight, as I sat and listened to my pastor talk about these gifts, and as I listened to him share examples of these divine incidents, I realized that I was not in a place last year where I would have, nor could have, "gotten" the message. I was too skeptical and too cerebral last fall to fully embrace the teachings about the Holy Spirit and spiritual gifts with an open mind and heart. I was not as receptive then as I am now to these things. And as I sat in this lecture this evening, again, I felt a confirmation, an awareness, that His timing is better than my timing. That I was exactly where I was supposed to be at. My circumstances haven't changed, and oh, how I wish they were different, but there's also a peace, a knowing, that these circumstances, these people, these unexplainable experiences I've been having lately are definitely part of a bigger plan.

I don't know if I'm destined to change nations or impact the world in great ways, but I just know that he's transforming me, equipping me, preparing me for something else right now. I just need to stay faithful, stay in the word, stay obedient, and stay open to his leading and guidance. So, am I ready to give up the security I feel about my friends, my family, my home, give up the false sense of security I feel when I see my nice paycheck, when I'm being proactive about job hunting and dating, etc.? My heart wants to say, 'yes, Lord", but my brain and other emotions aren't quite caught up yet.

Stay tuned.

May 18

A very strange thought entered my mind tonight.

Given all of the crazy things I've been experiencing in the last month or so, I've only been able to capture a fraction of the weird coincidences, synchronicities, God-incidences, etc. I don't have enough time, nor can I type fast enough to capture all of what I'm thinking and feeling in this blog. Words really are SO pathetic when it comes to expressing this.

Oh! So that strange thought. Being so bewildered by all that's been happening in my life lately, during the last few weeks one of my prayer requests was for God to provide a clear sign that he was here, that he was present, that I needed something that would show me without a shadow of a doubt that he was working in my life. I can't help but wonder if my prayer helped to cause the great event at church on Sunday. I don't say that in a bragging or arrogant sort of way. But I'm just now wondering how powerful prayer really can be, and I'm also wondering how many of these similar earnest requests for him to show himself there have been. I mean....there must be a TON of people seriously seeking God and prayerfully talking to him if he chose to make his presence known this weekend. Dunno if that makes sense, but I sense God is really working in the bay area. I feel a sort of understated revival happening right now, and this from someone who is not active in church at the moment. I don't even hang out with church folks regularly so I am definitely not someone who is being 'fed' these things. I truly just feel like my relationship with God is growing leaps and bounds right now. I can't get enough of his word, his presence, his thoughts, his essence, his songs in me right now. If I didn't have 'real life' to deal with, I would love to take an extended leave just to study his word and be in his presence. Perhaps this will happen, I don't know.

Anyway, this is a lot and I could go on. For now, this is where I'll stop.

Love ya,
RM