Still Missing My Dad

I wish I could say I am hormonal right now, but I'm really just sad. I'm missing my dad sooo much right lately. The harder I try to remember things, the more sad I become. I just don't remember things with the clarity I once did. It scares me to know that so much of the details are gone. And I keep wondering how and when that ever happened. It's like just one day, *poof*, and the memories disappeared.

My tears won't stop flowing! Thank goodness I can work from home because today I broke down multiple times just thinking about my dad, and it's not just a sad tear here or there. It's the kind of tears that come from the gut, from the deepest part of your heart that just makes even your soul tired of revisiting the wounded place. I'm crying as I post this and it just sucks. The grief, the loss, the anger, the regrets, the family memories, the images while he was sick and the night he died just keep playing over and over in my mind. Over the years I've had moments like this from time to time. It's a normal, healthy experience to go through this when you've experienced the loss of a loved one. It sucks, but it's not unhealthy or unusual. I'm used to it and I have befriended the grief over the years. It's become a part of me and my life, just like having a bad hair day or going to the dentist. That sounds so detached, but it's a sad reality of life.

Something about this go-round feels different, 'tho. My 'moment' feels much more significant, much more gut-wrenching. I don't want to go further into my adulthood without my dad's love and guidance. I don't want to continue having milestones without him present for them. I just don't want to keep forgetting. It's hurts to know that so much of him is lost, that much of who I am and who I am becoming is no longer because of him, if that makes any sense. Half of my life experiences don't include him, and it pains me to think that in a typical lifespan of, say 80 years, his time spent with me was/will be only a fraction of it.

A random thought just entered my mind. Having spent the last few days with my cousin and his family, I realized that I will never have the experience of having that adult relationship with my father that my cousin has. I mean, I already acknowledged this sad reality, but it's just SO real now, in this moment of grief. As I sat at dinner with my cousin's mom and dad, and his dad's parents, and his dad's sister and her husband, I thought about how I've been very close to this entire family over the years. I've seen his parents change over the years and I saw last night how my cousin's relationship with them is now one of mutual respect and less parental. He's making his way in the world and his parents are letting him go. I won't ever experience that with my father, I won't ever know if he's proud of the way my life is going. And don't get me started with my mom. I have a very difficult time staying hopeful that my relationship with her will ever become satisfactory at best. Our cultures and views just clash, and the language barrier is just one of the many challenges there.

I'm pissed. Life is just so unfair. I want my dad here, daggit!

Here are 10 things/milestones in my life that my dad has and/or will miss out on during my lifetime. It's just sad. Very, very sad.

1. He never saw me get my driver's license.

2. He didn't see me graduate from high school.

3. He didn't help me move into the dorm when I went off to college.

4. He didn't see me graduate from college.

5. He never helped me move into my first apartment.

6. He never saw his grandkids, will never know my own kids.

7. He won't be there to give me away at my wedding.

8. I'll never know if he likes my future husband, or whether or not they'd get along.

9. I'll never know what kind of grandfather he'd be like.

10. He didn't accompany me when I made my way out to California.


I'm really trying to embrace the emotions I'm feeling right now, but it's already been a few days now and I'm tired of it! I can't control the grief, all I can do is manage it. There's a life that still needs to be lived here, but I can't see sh** through the darn tears!

Thanks for listening.

-RM

I Miss My Dad

Words can't describe what I'm feeling. I started to compose a father's day post and just remembering is too painful right now. I'm sobbing hysterically now. I'm just at a loss for words. Grief just sneaks up on you sometimes, doesn't it? It's weird. Some days I can talk about him and everything is fine. Other days or moments like now and a mere memory or thought just triggers a cascade of tears and sobs. It's been 15 years since he died and the pain and anguish is still as deep and strong as it was then. I miss him.

I wish he was here.

I'm sorry for SO many things.

My memories are fading.

I can't remember much about him.

Why so soon in my life?

I resent growing up so fast.

My poor mom.

The last year of his life, a blur.

The last moments of his life, etched in my memory.

I just want him here.

I can't stop crying. I can't stop regretting. I can't stop wondering what ifs. I can't stop replaying those last moments, the last months.

I love you, Dad. I wish you were here with me now.

A Letter to My Dad

This Father's Day I've been a bit more pensive than previous ones. I'm at a crossroad in life and I've been finding myself reflecting on many significant relationships both past and present. This year has just been such a tremendous year of spiritual growth, so much so that I sometimes feel like this earthly body and brain cannot keep up with the way my soul has opened up.

Anyway...

It's been such a long time since my dad passed away. I was 16 years old when he died. It was an awful time for my family, and his death really separated me from my mom and family for a very long time. So much so that even now a lot of damaged relationships have been created and I am still in the process of trying to reconcile them. It's true what they say...that tragedy and hard time can either bring you closer to someone, or it can tear you apart. Unfortunately, the latter was my case.

When I was 13/14 years old, my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer. He had surgery to remove a section of his colon and he came out fine and without complications. Two years later the cancer came back. My father was never one to like doctors, so it's anybody's guess how long he was experiencing symptoms again before he finally gave in and made an appointment to see the doctor. I often wonder if he could have been healed had he been more proactive about his health.

Prior to the diagnosis of his relapse, earlier in the early on my 16th birthday we awoke to a phone call. My dad's cousin's wife called to tell us that his cousin and his cousin's daughter were found murdered. It's complicated, but basically they authorities concluded it was a robbery gone bad. This was a HUGE shock to the Asian community back then, so much so that this story was on the news for days and a lot of pressure from the Asian community was put on the authorities to solve this crime. I say 'back then' because when I was growing up the Asian community was small. Everyone pretty much knew everyone, but as I entered my 20's, a new wave of immigrants settled into the state to the point where now it's not as tight knit as it used to be.

Anyway, so what should have been my "Sweet 16" was forgotten and no one even remembered or acknowledged it. I just remember waking up and expecting good things, then getting a phone call and thinking, "How can this happen on MY birthday?!?" Even in the days and weeks following it, no one stopped to say they realized it had been overshadowed. It was my very first experience with death and no one in my family ever talked about it with me. I was terrified. Not about anything in particular, but just the fact that these were people I knew and who were a part of my life. The randomness of the murders, the details of that scenario, the fact that I just remembered the love that eminated from the daughter. She was a school teacher for many year and SO many of her former students came out to the funeral. I remember that my dad's cousin's daughter had horned-rimmed glasses, pink lipstick, and her southern accent. She was one of those people who was stuck in a fashion time warp, and as funny as it was, it was the thing that defined her, the thing that made her so unique and wonderful. The only real memory I have of her was this time we were at a restaurant and how once she knew how much I loved the spare ribs, she started handing everyone of them she could find to me. I must've been 10 at the time. It's weird, but the memory isn't just about the spare ribs. It was her presence and the way she made me feel so special. I just remember this goodness and sincerity about her. That elusive impression we make on another's spirit and heart...she left that on me. It's difficult to explain.

Later in the year my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer again. He tried chemo but the cancer spread so quickly. Before we knew it, it had spread to his liver. I can't tell you how quickly he went from normal functioning to someone so weak





When most teenagers should have been carefree and just doing the silly things they do, I was burdened with so many things going on at home. I grew up sooner than I should have, and as I look back on who I am now, I just feel like a huge part of my childhood was taken away from me.