A Letter to My Dad

This Father's Day I've been a bit more pensive than previous ones. I'm at a crossroad in life and I've been finding myself reflecting on many significant relationships both past and present. This year has just been such a tremendous year of spiritual growth, so much so that I sometimes feel like this earthly body and brain cannot keep up with the way my soul has opened up.

Anyway...

It's been such a long time since my dad passed away. I was 16 years old when he died. It was an awful time for my family, and his death really separated me from my mom and family for a very long time. So much so that even now a lot of damaged relationships have been created and I am still in the process of trying to reconcile them. It's true what they say...that tragedy and hard time can either bring you closer to someone, or it can tear you apart. Unfortunately, the latter was my case.

When I was 13/14 years old, my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer. He had surgery to remove a section of his colon and he came out fine and without complications. Two years later the cancer came back. My father was never one to like doctors, so it's anybody's guess how long he was experiencing symptoms again before he finally gave in and made an appointment to see the doctor. I often wonder if he could have been healed had he been more proactive about his health.

Prior to the diagnosis of his relapse, earlier in the early on my 16th birthday we awoke to a phone call. My dad's cousin's wife called to tell us that his cousin and his cousin's daughter were found murdered. It's complicated, but basically they authorities concluded it was a robbery gone bad. This was a HUGE shock to the Asian community back then, so much so that this story was on the news for days and a lot of pressure from the Asian community was put on the authorities to solve this crime. I say 'back then' because when I was growing up the Asian community was small. Everyone pretty much knew everyone, but as I entered my 20's, a new wave of immigrants settled into the state to the point where now it's not as tight knit as it used to be.

Anyway, so what should have been my "Sweet 16" was forgotten and no one even remembered or acknowledged it. I just remember waking up and expecting good things, then getting a phone call and thinking, "How can this happen on MY birthday?!?" Even in the days and weeks following it, no one stopped to say they realized it had been overshadowed. It was my very first experience with death and no one in my family ever talked about it with me. I was terrified. Not about anything in particular, but just the fact that these were people I knew and who were a part of my life. The randomness of the murders, the details of that scenario, the fact that I just remembered the love that eminated from the daughter. She was a school teacher for many year and SO many of her former students came out to the funeral. I remember that my dad's cousin's daughter had horned-rimmed glasses, pink lipstick, and her southern accent. She was one of those people who was stuck in a fashion time warp, and as funny as it was, it was the thing that defined her, the thing that made her so unique and wonderful. The only real memory I have of her was this time we were at a restaurant and how once she knew how much I loved the spare ribs, she started handing everyone of them she could find to me. I must've been 10 at the time. It's weird, but the memory isn't just about the spare ribs. It was her presence and the way she made me feel so special. I just remember this goodness and sincerity about her. That elusive impression we make on another's spirit and heart...she left that on me. It's difficult to explain.

Later in the year my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer again. He tried chemo but the cancer spread so quickly. Before we knew it, it had spread to his liver. I can't tell you how quickly he went from normal functioning to someone so weak





When most teenagers should have been carefree and just doing the silly things they do, I was burdened with so many things going on at home. I grew up sooner than I should have, and as I look back on who I am now, I just feel like a huge part of my childhood was taken away from me.