Still Missing My Dad

I wish I could say I am hormonal right now, but I'm really just sad. I'm missing my dad sooo much right lately. The harder I try to remember things, the more sad I become. I just don't remember things with the clarity I once did. It scares me to know that so much of the details are gone. And I keep wondering how and when that ever happened. It's like just one day, *poof*, and the memories disappeared.

My tears won't stop flowing! Thank goodness I can work from home because today I broke down multiple times just thinking about my dad, and it's not just a sad tear here or there. It's the kind of tears that come from the gut, from the deepest part of your heart that just makes even your soul tired of revisiting the wounded place. I'm crying as I post this and it just sucks. The grief, the loss, the anger, the regrets, the family memories, the images while he was sick and the night he died just keep playing over and over in my mind. Over the years I've had moments like this from time to time. It's a normal, healthy experience to go through this when you've experienced the loss of a loved one. It sucks, but it's not unhealthy or unusual. I'm used to it and I have befriended the grief over the years. It's become a part of me and my life, just like having a bad hair day or going to the dentist. That sounds so detached, but it's a sad reality of life.

Something about this go-round feels different, 'tho. My 'moment' feels much more significant, much more gut-wrenching. I don't want to go further into my adulthood without my dad's love and guidance. I don't want to continue having milestones without him present for them. I just don't want to keep forgetting. It's hurts to know that so much of him is lost, that much of who I am and who I am becoming is no longer because of him, if that makes any sense. Half of my life experiences don't include him, and it pains me to think that in a typical lifespan of, say 80 years, his time spent with me was/will be only a fraction of it.

A random thought just entered my mind. Having spent the last few days with my cousin and his family, I realized that I will never have the experience of having that adult relationship with my father that my cousin has. I mean, I already acknowledged this sad reality, but it's just SO real now, in this moment of grief. As I sat at dinner with my cousin's mom and dad, and his dad's parents, and his dad's sister and her husband, I thought about how I've been very close to this entire family over the years. I've seen his parents change over the years and I saw last night how my cousin's relationship with them is now one of mutual respect and less parental. He's making his way in the world and his parents are letting him go. I won't ever experience that with my father, I won't ever know if he's proud of the way my life is going. And don't get me started with my mom. I have a very difficult time staying hopeful that my relationship with her will ever become satisfactory at best. Our cultures and views just clash, and the language barrier is just one of the many challenges there.

I'm pissed. Life is just so unfair. I want my dad here, daggit!

Here are 10 things/milestones in my life that my dad has and/or will miss out on during my lifetime. It's just sad. Very, very sad.

1. He never saw me get my driver's license.

2. He didn't see me graduate from high school.

3. He didn't help me move into the dorm when I went off to college.

4. He didn't see me graduate from college.

5. He never helped me move into my first apartment.

6. He never saw his grandkids, will never know my own kids.

7. He won't be there to give me away at my wedding.

8. I'll never know if he likes my future husband, or whether or not they'd get along.

9. I'll never know what kind of grandfather he'd be like.

10. He didn't accompany me when I made my way out to California.


I'm really trying to embrace the emotions I'm feeling right now, but it's already been a few days now and I'm tired of it! I can't control the grief, all I can do is manage it. There's a life that still needs to be lived here, but I can't see sh** through the darn tears!

Thanks for listening.

-RM