Previous Thoughts

I spent a lot of the weekend going through old journals. I was curious to read where my thoughts were and the kind of things that I recorded.

This exerpt from 2 years ago stood out to me.


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July 4, 2004

What's far more important is the person's essence, the feeling response you have to him, and how his energy affects you. So many things are susceptible to change: the way we dress, hobbies, goals, etc. You never know what someone's path has in store for them. What's far more important is how you feel in his presence, the quality of your connection.

We can't force readiness, it's something that happens organically without coercion.

The best gauge of whether or not you've met the partner you seek is to see who you become in their presence. Do you like yourself? Do you have interesting things to talk about? Do you bring out the best in each other? Is your creative energy full tilt?


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It's interesting, but I realized that this pretty much sums up my thoughts on finding a partner, even now, two years later. Every time I meet another frog, I remind myself that it will 'just happen' and that 'I will know it in my "knower" when I meet him.' That's not to say that it won't take work, or that putting yourself in situations to meet other singles doesn't take effort, but I have a sense that there would be that elusive liberation of knowing that who you are is understood, that in the spiritual, emotional, and mental ways there will be a great meeting of kindred souls. It may or may not be magical, it may be an instant connection, or it may even take months to develop, but the 'knowing' will be there. I'm sure of that.

I have yet to find that quality connection, that person whose presence opens me up to endless possibilities, but I am hopeful and much more content with where I'm headed. I'm making peace with all the not-so-lovely things about me, and I like where I am headed and I like the people and activities in my life.

Contentment is so elusive, but for the moment I can truly say that despite some recent turmoil and disappointments, I'm content with the lessons I am learning.

Cheers!

-RM

Inaugural Run

I just got home from my first run for the next half marathon I'm running. I decided to run the Anaheim/Disneyland Half Marathon in September. A four month commitment this time around which leaves me plenty of free time to do as I wish around the holidays.

Overall today was a good run. I met up with the team in Golden Gate Park. We ran along the beach on highway 1 and it was just an awesome feeling to be out there again. The ocean was gorgeous, the salt air so crisp and fresh. :-) Did I mention I love water?? Ironically, I still don't enjoy running like a lot of people do, and I certainly don't think of myself as a runner yet, but when you're with other people and helping out a good cause, that selfish view seems insignificant compared to the bigger picture.

We had the option to run 1 or 2 miles and I opted for the 2 miles. What the heck, you know? LOL. I ended up in a pace group of 4 people. 2 guys and 2 gals. I met one guy today who was the friendliest thing in the world. :-) The other guy had left by the time I got situated with the sign up sheets and such, so I guess I'll see him next time! The other gal in my group is my co-worker. More on her in another post.

So here I go again...


Good-bye: crazy partying on Friday (as if I ever had a social life to begin with?? lol)

Hello: early bedtime and lots of rest


Good-bye: weekend 'me' time and social events

Hello: Saturdays dedicated to running


Good-bye: lazy weekdays

Hello: gym time


Good-bye: lattes, fast food, and all things bad for you

Hello: bananas, spinach, and carbs. Yeck.


Good-bye: caffeine, alcohol, and sugary juices

Hello: water, gatorade, and GU.


Anyway, wish me luck with the running. :-)

Cheers!

Feeling Better

I feel much better now. :-)

A big thanks to all of you who are reading, emailing, im'ing and just "hearing" me as I was going through that last spell of saddness. I don't know where or why or when the grief will sneak up on me, but such is life and I'm glad to be able to embrace the experience of loss. It's an unusual thing to know that with each moment of anguish, turmoil, or challenge, it's not so much the event or the trigger, it's really all about your attitude and your perspective and having the patience and compassion to take care of yourself during the process, whatever the situation may be.

In a sort of 'outside looking in' type of way, I realized in the last few days that I've come a long way in the last year or so where my emotions and outlook on life are concerned. I love the fact that I can feel pain to the depth that I do. I love the fact that the anguish is a reminder of all that I am blessed with. And I love the fact that I can understand suffering to the extent that I can because of my experience with death. I just love the fact that I am an emotional person. Who knew I'd ever say that! It's who I am and there is only one 'me' in this world and I'd better be the best darn me there is! :-)

It's still difficult dealing with people who aren't used to my sensitive side, but I've learned that you just move on and when you find someone who can accept it, then those are the ones who you appreciate and whose relationship you protect with great care and ferocity. And yes, often times risk will end up surprising you.

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and feeling that vulnerability is scary, but putting on a facade and not allowing others in on your less than lovely areas is even scarier. I don't want to have my walls up anymore. I don't want to hide who I am anymore. I don't want anything to limit my joy or the possibilities my journey in life may take me.

Life is about sharing, life is about growth, life is about connection. As I have grown in so many ways these past couple of years. My soul began to open up and I've found the courage that opens myself up to risk and to endless possibilities.

And in the end, I realized that some of the best lessons in life really, truly are from my dad afterall. It's an irony of life right there. The self love and the life perspective I gained from his death has shown me more about love and relationships, and myself than I could have ever imagined.

Thanks, Dad. I truly miss you, I truly wish many things were different, I still wish you were here, I wonder many things often, but in the end it's a greater love and a greater lesson I am learning in your absence. I know you are here, I know you are living within me, and I know that in some inherent, intrinsic, Godly way, that you are still guiding me, still directing me, still showing me what life really is all about. And for that, I love you and I thank you.

Love ya.