Feeling Better

I feel much better now. :-)

A big thanks to all of you who are reading, emailing, im'ing and just "hearing" me as I was going through that last spell of saddness. I don't know where or why or when the grief will sneak up on me, but such is life and I'm glad to be able to embrace the experience of loss. It's an unusual thing to know that with each moment of anguish, turmoil, or challenge, it's not so much the event or the trigger, it's really all about your attitude and your perspective and having the patience and compassion to take care of yourself during the process, whatever the situation may be.

In a sort of 'outside looking in' type of way, I realized in the last few days that I've come a long way in the last year or so where my emotions and outlook on life are concerned. I love the fact that I can feel pain to the depth that I do. I love the fact that the anguish is a reminder of all that I am blessed with. And I love the fact that I can understand suffering to the extent that I can because of my experience with death. I just love the fact that I am an emotional person. Who knew I'd ever say that! It's who I am and there is only one 'me' in this world and I'd better be the best darn me there is! :-)

It's still difficult dealing with people who aren't used to my sensitive side, but I've learned that you just move on and when you find someone who can accept it, then those are the ones who you appreciate and whose relationship you protect with great care and ferocity. And yes, often times risk will end up surprising you.

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and feeling that vulnerability is scary, but putting on a facade and not allowing others in on your less than lovely areas is even scarier. I don't want to have my walls up anymore. I don't want to hide who I am anymore. I don't want anything to limit my joy or the possibilities my journey in life may take me.

Life is about sharing, life is about growth, life is about connection. As I have grown in so many ways these past couple of years. My soul began to open up and I've found the courage that opens myself up to risk and to endless possibilities.

And in the end, I realized that some of the best lessons in life really, truly are from my dad afterall. It's an irony of life right there. The self love and the life perspective I gained from his death has shown me more about love and relationships, and myself than I could have ever imagined.

Thanks, Dad. I truly miss you, I truly wish many things were different, I still wish you were here, I wonder many things often, but in the end it's a greater love and a greater lesson I am learning in your absence. I know you are here, I know you are living within me, and I know that in some inherent, intrinsic, Godly way, that you are still guiding me, still directing me, still showing me what life really is all about. And for that, I love you and I thank you.

Love ya.