A Letter to My Dad

The tears are back.

*sigh*

My heart just feels so heavy.

I decided I can't do much except let myself go wherever the emotions and thoughts take me. Grief is such a lonely experience. It makes you realize how truly alone we are in this world, but it also truly makes you thankful for every blessing.

More later...


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Dear Dad,

I've been thinking a lot about you lately. I miss you like crazy and wish you were here. I often wonder if you can hear me when I talk to you sometimes. When I ask myself what would you do or what would your advice be, I wonder if that nudging in my heart is from you.

I look back on some of the things I said and did over the years and I'm really sorry. There's a deep regret I have for some of my flippant behaviors and callous remarks. I know you understand now that you're in that all-knowing place, but I'd give anything just to hear you say 'It's ok'.

You were the strong, stoic type who loved us through provision and hard work. I know you loved me in your own way, but often I wished that you were more present, more emotionally available to me, more involved in my activities. I wonder what about me that you loved, or what about me that just makes you laugh or shake your head. Would you be proud of where I'm at? Happy with who I've become? Excited about the life ahead of me? I don't know these things and sadly, I never will.

Now that I've had some time to grow and experience life on my own as an adult, I realize how lonely and scary life must have been for you when you made your way out to America so many years ago. Mom told me once how you always wanted a big family because you left yours behind when you immigrated. She told me how lonely you were growing up here without them, and how one of your wishes was to have many children so that we would grow up taking care of one another.

I look at us now and I wonder if the relationships I have with everyone are the type that you had hoped for. Did your dream become a reality? Somewhere in my gut I feel like we've failed you. We're all close and get along, but now we've all gone our separate ways. The Sunday dinners are no more and taco nights haven't happened in ages. LOL - those were good times. :-) Man, I miss you!

And your immigration story. I can't imagine being as young as you were and making your way over here on your own. The reality of all the bits and pieces of stories I've heard over the years makes me realize how much depth there was to you, and how rich your life truly was. I'm sad to know that all of that history is gone and that who you are only remains in essence and not in facts and knowledge.

*sigh*

Every day you'd wake up and go to the store to work. Day in and day out without fail you'd put in long hours there. In all sorts of weather, every day of the week, whether or not you were ill. Were you ever bored with life? Were you content with the routine? Was it what you really wanted, or was it just the hand that you were dealt? I don't even know what your favorite color was. There are so many things about you that I just don't know about. I just want to know more about you and I'm angry and sad that I don't have any answers.

WHO WAS THIS PERSON I CALLED 'DAD'??

I love you.

I miss you.

I just wish you were here.

Yours,
"Be-Be Nui"