In The Midst of Growth

I'm going through a period of housecleaning right now. Not only am I simplifying the 'stuff' in the house, but I'm also taking stock of the friends in my life.

I got an email from a friend of mine today. The last couple of weeks I've been non-committal about some things and in our last exchange of emails a few days ago, he was wondering why I had been so 'flakey', although 'flakey' is certainly not what I have been. I've just been busy and the last thing I need right now is for someone to be nosy about my business rather supportive about it. Instead, he's pulling out all sorts of psychological mumbo jumbo such as me being passive-aggressive about talking to him about my 'stuff', and how he's not one to appreciate such behavior from me.

Argh...it's hard to put into words what has been going on in my life right now. A lot of it has been spiritual in nature, too crazy, too awesome to describe or to put into words. I know God is stirring things up in my life right now and I'm waiting patiently on Him. It's been difficult when the heart knows where it wants to be, where it should be, where it is clearly going, and yet, the journey to get there is on His timeline.

I've been wanting to cry more often than not lately, and actually have been shedding a fair amount of tears, but don't take that the wrong way. There's a saddness when you have to move on in some areas of your life, even in matters that aren't life-altering (or maybe they really are life-altering??).

I'm not letting go of a dream, or of something that was never really mine. I'm letting go of an old me, a me that is ceasing to exist, and the experience is both frightening and exciting. The Holy Spirit is at work in me. "I know it in my knower", as one of my pastors' just said the other day. I don't know where He's taking me, except that I see Him shifting my paradigm, shifting my circumstances, altering my life as I once knew it to be. He's moving me, directing me to "another life" that awaits for me.

I know the Lord is preparing me for greater things right now. It's overwhelming, unfathomable, and just too big for my poor human self to wrap my brain around.

More on this later.

-RM