I Don't Get It

I was on a roll today with work. I was kicking a** in my early morning meetings and I was number crunching with ease, precision and speed, oh my! Ha ha!! Today was one of those very few days I was actually enjoying myself and the time just flew by. I was actually a bit sad when I had to leave around 5pm to take a friend to the airport. If I didn't have to do that then I probably would've kept working because it was a good and productive day.

A work day like this has been so far and few between these days. I guess I have been at my job too long and fallen into such a rut that I'd grown accustomed to more than my than my share of lackluster days. I suppose in some way I had known I was slowly sinking into this routine that wasn't quite comfortable, persay, but definitely something that wasn't lighting my fire. Heck, it hasn't even been keeping me warm.

Today was the first day in a very long time where I was reminded of how work should really be. Challenging, fun, productive, and just done for the pure satisfaction of the work itself. I didn't get kudos or anything from my manager for something I finished that I knew was pretty darn good, but I was just proud of myself and my work at the end of the day anyway. I hadn't felt that way in a long, long time. More on my thoughts about work at a later date. I've got a lot of things swirling around in my mind and heart about it, but too many to go into details now.

Despite such a great day at work, I don't get how down and disappointed I am about people right now. Somewhere inside me is this wounded child who is all too aware of people and relationship dynamics (whether work, platonic, romantic, friend, or family, etc.) and because of that, I constantly struggle with my so-called life. It's hard to explain this part of me. It's complex and well...just complex.

I don't think I'll ever understand how a "strong, independent, and self-sufficient woman" (as quoted and perceived from a friend of mine) such as myself can digress to that emotional place that never quite seems to heal, regardless of how well I understand where that weak spot in me was formed. As I gain more life experiences, I realized that healing is a complex event in and of itself, and that all we can really do is learn how to better mitigate exposure of those wounded parts of our soul or, if exposed, then all we can do is learn how to better and more quickly nuture ourselves back to a 'normal' functioning level.

Something inside me wants to share more on all of this, but not right now. Afterall, I barely know you! :P

In the mean time, be cautious of the internal dialogue, for it can wreak havoc on your joy.

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ".
- 2 Corinthian 10:5 (NIV)