Do You Love Yourself?
Someone asked me this question today.
Do you love yourself?
Do you really love yourself?
He stated this very clearly and deliberately as if it were a trick question and told me to be honest with myself when responding.
My gut reaction was to say, 'of course'. But I hesitated and took a moment to check in with my gut. You know, that often elusive and tricky feeling in the pit of your stomach that either flip flops when words are disconnected with emotions, or that gurgly feeling that tells you this is an 'it' moment, when there's congruency with the emotions and the logic.
My stomach flip flopped in the disconnect.
*sigh*
I answered, "mostly", which we all know is really a 'no'.
I know I'm a long way from who I'd like to be. I'm somewhere in the process of "becoming" and I still haven't quite made peace with a few quirks in my personality. But does anyone ever really end up liking all of themselves? I find that hard to believe. I think people end up liking most of who they are, and end up making peace with the parts that they don't.
My heart is a bit unsettled right now as I am thinking about my situation and the amount of satisfaction and contentment I have in this moment in my life. I struggle with the entire singleness thing. Singleness as a state of existence is such an interesting concept. It's a mixed blessing in many respects.
I've been fortunate to have spent a good amount of my single years having travelled throughout North America, Europe, Asia and other places; been blessed to have the time and resources to travel frequently to be a part of my nieces and nephews formative years; to have time to explore the various interests and hobbies that I've always wanted to try; and to have spent a good amount of time building the career.
And now?
There's a deeper desire to be less self-focused. I've got a strong yearning to just share all the good things I've cultivated in my life and to really share everything about who I am and what life has to offer with someone. I've dated enough to know that loneliness doesn't end when you say 'I do', and that sometimes being with someone who doesn't understand you is often lonelier than being alone. I know that your sig other can't possibly fulfill all your needs, and that love and commitment really just boils down to choices, to making the choice over and over to be kind and considerate to that chosen person, and trust. Trusting and knowing yourself and the other person well enough as they are now, and not who you hope for them to be in the future. You can hope for changes in the future, but you must accept the present as is, and know that it may not change for the better going forward.
And so this is where I'm at. Struggling to accept the fact that at this age, being single for an indefinite amount of time may certainly be a possibility. Throughout my 20's I just dated and had no cares whatsoever. I just assumed someone would come along and things would fall into place. But then the early 20's turn into mid-20's, turned into late 20's and now 30's.
I think for those of you who 'married young' (early to mid-20's), marriage and courtship is a lot easier. There aren't a lot of experiences under your belt yet, and as a result your views on self, others, relationships, the world, etc., aren't solidified yet, so the opportunity to grow together is more abundant. But when you are single for a greater amount of time before getting married, the ease of compromise and acceptance doesn't flow as quickly. You're more self-sufficient and have a more concrete understanding of your likes, dislikes, and temperament. And it's hard not to have that 'been there done that' attitude. I'm not talking jaded in the negative sense. I'm just saying that finding new experiences to share becomes more difficult. It's not impossible because life is dynamic, but imagine merging two people who have 25 years of experience together vs. two people who have 30 or 35 years, vs. 60 or 65. Do you see what I mean?
But to get back to my original pondering: do I love myself?
An honest answer would be 'no'.
*sigh*
I'm still working to accept some unfortunate things that life dealt me, and I'm slowly forgiving myself for making some poor choices. I'm doing things to challenge me in new ways with the hope that the end result will be a moment of surprise, a realization of sorts, when I suddenly realize that this is what life is all about. That all the struggles and all the questions were worth it because it got me to this point. This elusive point in time that is an ever-moving target.
Love where you're at, everyone.
There's a method to this madness called life.
Believe in it.
Trust it.
Live it.
Be it.
And love.
Just love.
Love who you are, where you're at, and all the trials you're going through because those will bring you that much closer to the tribulations and rewards that you so wonderfully deserve!
Blessings and sweet dreams!
Love ya,
RM
posted by ramblingmuse @ 1:21 AM
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