Like A Ton of Bricks

It hit me last night.

Late Sat evening after I received the news about H's death, I sent an email to my home group (aka bible study group) telling them of the news. Late on Sunday evening after I returned from Tahoe, I received a response to the prayer request I submitted.

The group leader, RD, didn't say anything unusually profound or personal in it. She merely acknowledge what happened and said she'd note the things I requested prayer for. Reading that email I burst into tears.

I mentioned before that there is this disconnect about 'death' when you are removed from that person and their physical, day to day, life. Due to the physical distance that separated us in the last few years, H's death seems like an intellectual concept to me. The only things that have made it "real" to me was when others acknowledged it. Whether it was RD's email, or speaking to my mom and hearing about all the things going on with the funeral proceedings. It just seems like a conversational topic, as if someone asked, "how was your day?", yet there's an underlying knowing that something significant happened, even if I 'don't get it' right now. Even when I went through the motions of sending flowers to the wake, it just seemed like another item on the 'to do' list that day.

I keep thinking back on a couple of memories.

H used to make the best garlic fried chicken. She knew how much I loved it and would make it for me often. It was always a treat! Yum!

I also remember how she was so kind and loving towards us when my father passed away. She was a big source of support for my mom during that time.

And now, I just think of her grandson, who is about my nephew's age (~5 years) and just how sad that is. And I think about her husband. I honestly can't imagine what it would be like to lose a spouse. I think about my mom's situation often and how 20, 30, 40+ years of shared memories are gone. Or rather, the only other person who shared and knows of those memories is now gone.

It was weird to know that as I was snowboarding and enjoying time with my friends, that just a two hour plane ride away was H's family preparing for her wake.

I've always been the type of person who'd feel guilty for enjoying things when I know there are so many people suffering and going through hard times out there. Don't get me wrong, 'tho. There is a deep sense of gratitude for all the blessings in my life, but I just feel like I could be doing so much more to help move the world forward in better ways.

*sigh*