Just got back from a long holiday lunch with two of my old co-workers from the previous company I used to work at. RL and BW have become some good "mentors" and sounding boards when it comes to my dating woes and understanding men and my life perspective.
RL is a guy in his 70's. A big ornery teddy bear that took me a while to appreciate. When we first met years ago I was bright eyed and so innocent and eager to take on the world. His off-color jokes and often stubborn attitude was a lot for a young gal like me to deal with, so we often had some not-so-nice verbal exchanges. In time, I've come to understand the things that have made him who is and how often times he truly means well but operates from a very different paradigm and generation. He often reminds me of a young boy who expresses their affection for a girl by hitting or teasing. I guess men never outgrow that inability to express their emotions, huh? Too funny.
Anyway, RL has become a dear, dear, DEAR friend to me, and it was recently that he has been having more health problems and with a recent incident, I got scared. Scared that he'll be out of my life before he knew how much I love him and value his being in my life and the impact he's made on my journey at this time in my life. He's been making more jokes about "croaking" and "biting the dust", and while I know it's his way of coping, my heart doesn't want to admit that his time may be near.
Then there is BW. He's a guy in his 40's, married, with one adopted son who is now a teenager. His situation is interesting in that his wife is a big wig executive at a high tech company, and BW is a stay at home dad, often reminding of someone who is still searching for his calling and profession in life. He's had a good career, but since the adoption of their son, he decided to be a full time dad. They adopted the boy when he was 8 years old. That's quite unusual since most couples who are seeking to adopt prefer infants or those under 2 years of age. Anyway, so BW has always been a gentle soul, someone who genuinely cares for those around him, and who has a good perspective about life and what it may bring you. With him, I can see that he has an innate understanding of people and a genuine ability to reach out and help you know you are heard and loved.
I try to meet up with them every month or so for lunch, and with both of them recently having had some health problems, my heart wants to be with them. And again, I ask myself the same question I posed in a previous entry. How do we translate what is in our hearts into actions or behaviors, or impressions and imprints onto someone else's heart? I love them both so much for the time, the advice, encouragement, support, love and just plain old solid friendship that I hope they can internalize that goodness I feel for them.
RL made a comment about the fact that both he and BW are falling apart and how I may have to make some new friends soon. Ack. That's just an example of his humor. But I love him for it anyway. I don't want to think that time will come, but it will and it makes me sad.
Then the abilty to make a positive impression on someone else's heart hit home again as I thought of my nephew and the fact that I want SO much for him to know his auntie loves him. The last time I was home my sister said it's hard spending time together, but was glad that I've made so much effort to be involved in the kids' lives because they are small for such a short amount of time, and then at some point they no longer adore you and move on in their lives to their own friends, hobbies, and just plain old living and growing into their own life paths.
As I left lunch today, a spontaneous, "Have a good holiday, I'll see you next year!" came out and in that one moment the thought that they may or may not be around then really made my heart skip a bit, and not in the good way. I don't think it showed, but I sure felt it. I sure felt the anticipation of knowing that this could be the last time I see either of them. I quickly gave them the customary hug and the cookies I baked for them, and went on my way before the tears would become obvious.
Getting a bit melancholy again. It's just a mood, I know. The holidays suck. They really do.
*sigh*
Anyway, all of this made me think of love and what it is we really feel for people, and I certainly feel a lot of love for everyone in my life these days. It's a shame that we're not necessarily a demonstrative or verbally expressive society when it comes to such things. I suppose the vulnerability factor of opening up and extending ourselves plays a big part in the inhibitions, but I suppose that is a big lesson in life. To keep on loving like we've never been hurt before. To give freely without expectations, and to receive only what we don't expect.
*sigh*
Love ya, (yes, that's a BIG understatement)
The Rambling Muse :-)
