Selfish Is As Selfish Does?

Bear with me here.

I just received a call that my friend's (we'll call him 'N') mother just passed away. It's difficult to go into all the details and relationship dynamics here. I know I'm not conveying the situation as accurately as I'd like, but you can only do so much on a blog, right?

So my friend B had been dating N, but they had been broken up for the last couple months. But, because N's mom was ill, B's kind-hearted self stuck around to help 'N' care for his terminal mother. It was awkward for them, but not necessarily in a bad way.

A few weeks ago I had lunch with B to check in on her and see how she was doing. I could tell she was tired from all the long days of work followed by running errands and helping N in the evenings. I was trying to be a supportive friend to B and for my own personal reasons, my own heart felt a lot towards N's situation. I told B during that lunch that when N's mom passes, I'd like to know so that I could attend the funeral and pay my respects.

This evening she called to tell me that the afternoon I dropped her off after lunch, she went over to N's place and that was the afternoon his mom had passed away. Since that time all the ceremonial things have happened and life goes on.

Now here I am, somewhat upset that B never called to tell me what happened. Granted, I did not know N or his mother very well, but my heart wanted to be there. Is that a selfish reaction to have on my part? To be upset that I wasn't told about it? To be upset that I wasn't given the opportunity to be there for him like I had asked? I didn't say anything to B while we spoke on the phone, but I feel selfish for my reaction on this. Part of me wonders why it hurt to not have been told about it when it happened. I mean, logically I didn't have to know because I'm not close to him. So why do I feel like I should have been told? Part of me is upset because I had been putting a lot of time and effort into my friendship with B during this time because I knew how difficult the situation was with N and his mother. I even specifically told her to tell me because I wanted to be there for him.

I don't think anyone really gets how empathetic and sensitive I am. Not necessarily sensitive in the easily hurt kind of way, but more in the I'm too aware of things kind of way. It makes for an awkward and abnormal existence at times. It often takes everything in me to feel 'normal'.

If anyone knows anything about spiritual gifts, I've got the mixed blessing (or not so blessed gift) of mercy. More on that another time.

So who is selfish here? Is it selfish to be upset that I couldn't pay my respects, or is that actually caring and kind? Is it selfish of her to focus on taking care of her and N's needs to the point that she forgot what I had asked? Am I just rambling from that wounded place I mentioned before? Why does this bother me so much? I have an answer to that, but again, I barely know you and I'm not quite ready to share some of that stuff yet.

Yeah, there's a mixture of hurt, anger, and disappointment, along with a bit of resigned acceptance that such is life and life goes on.

If this wasn't a rambling, then I don't know what is.

Thanks for listening. Now go hug your loved ones.

*hugs*


"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
- 1 Corinthians 13:13

Just "Run Cuz You Want To"

I am getting desperate to reach my fundraising goal of $3,000 for my half marathon.

Ok, not *that* desperate - sheeesh. But, I *am* to the point where now I've tapped out the generosity of my friends and extended network. I'm still shy of my goal by $1,100 and I'm starting to realize that this is the point where I need to start putting some concerted effort into soliciting contributions via other means besides friends and family. I'm hoping they will be means of a legitimate nature, although desperation can cause us to do many things that we normally wouldn't consider, so donate please!

A fellow blogger said not to worry about the fundraising and to just 'run cuz you want to'.

Ok, Sir Water of the Evian Natural Spring Clan. I'll heed your sage, Dr. Phil-like words of wisdom and do just that. I'll do that along with your suggested ritual of protein and cool protein bars. Ummm...on second thought, I think I'll also add a bit of prayer in there just for kicks. :P


"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"
- Matthew 6:27 (NIV)

Moments In Life

Yeah, I'm in one of those moods.

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you wish you just want to pick them out of your dreams and hug them for real

When the door of happiness closes, another opens; but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us

Don't go for looks, they can deceive. Don't go for wealth, even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it only takes a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

May you have enough happiness, to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrows to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches

When you were born you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end you are the only one smiling and everyone around you is crying

A FRIEND LOVES AT ALL TIMES