Selfish Is As Selfish Does?

Bear with me here.

I just received a call that my friend's (we'll call him 'N') mother just passed away. It's difficult to go into all the details and relationship dynamics here. I know I'm not conveying the situation as accurately as I'd like, but you can only do so much on a blog, right?

So my friend B had been dating N, but they had been broken up for the last couple months. But, because N's mom was ill, B's kind-hearted self stuck around to help 'N' care for his terminal mother. It was awkward for them, but not necessarily in a bad way.

A few weeks ago I had lunch with B to check in on her and see how she was doing. I could tell she was tired from all the long days of work followed by running errands and helping N in the evenings. I was trying to be a supportive friend to B and for my own personal reasons, my own heart felt a lot towards N's situation. I told B during that lunch that when N's mom passes, I'd like to know so that I could attend the funeral and pay my respects.

This evening she called to tell me that the afternoon I dropped her off after lunch, she went over to N's place and that was the afternoon his mom had passed away. Since that time all the ceremonial things have happened and life goes on.

Now here I am, somewhat upset that B never called to tell me what happened. Granted, I did not know N or his mother very well, but my heart wanted to be there. Is that a selfish reaction to have on my part? To be upset that I wasn't told about it? To be upset that I wasn't given the opportunity to be there for him like I had asked? I didn't say anything to B while we spoke on the phone, but I feel selfish for my reaction on this. Part of me wonders why it hurt to not have been told about it when it happened. I mean, logically I didn't have to know because I'm not close to him. So why do I feel like I should have been told? Part of me is upset because I had been putting a lot of time and effort into my friendship with B during this time because I knew how difficult the situation was with N and his mother. I even specifically told her to tell me because I wanted to be there for him.

I don't think anyone really gets how empathetic and sensitive I am. Not necessarily sensitive in the easily hurt kind of way, but more in the I'm too aware of things kind of way. It makes for an awkward and abnormal existence at times. It often takes everything in me to feel 'normal'.

If anyone knows anything about spiritual gifts, I've got the mixed blessing (or not so blessed gift) of mercy. More on that another time.

So who is selfish here? Is it selfish to be upset that I couldn't pay my respects, or is that actually caring and kind? Is it selfish of her to focus on taking care of her and N's needs to the point that she forgot what I had asked? Am I just rambling from that wounded place I mentioned before? Why does this bother me so much? I have an answer to that, but again, I barely know you and I'm not quite ready to share some of that stuff yet.

Yeah, there's a mixture of hurt, anger, and disappointment, along with a bit of resigned acceptance that such is life and life goes on.

If this wasn't a rambling, then I don't know what is.

Thanks for listening. Now go hug your loved ones.

*hugs*


"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
- 1 Corinthians 13:13