Ponder These

On Life...

"You don't have to be a house to be haunted." --Emily Dickinson

"My darling girl, when are you going to understand that 'normal' isn't a virtue? It rather denotes a lack of courage." --Robin Swicord

On Love...

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because the truth is, there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love -- well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived." --William Parrish, Meet Joe Black

"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." -- Emily Bronte

On Writing...

"I am not really a writer. I am just someone who is haunted, and I will write the hauntings down." --Janet Frame

Elation and Grief

Tonight was just an awesome, awesome worship service. The guest pastor was on fire! I was really feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit and I was just bursting with praise for our Lord!

The lesson this evening was based on Romans 8:28 (NIV):

"And we know that in all things God words for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

He spoke of Saul (whose name was later changed to Paul) and how he was transformed from persecutor of Christ, to a believer of Christ, and how he went from being a murderer to being a missionary. It's a longer and more complicated story than that, but just awesome, awesome, awesome to know that in all of our trials, inequities, and sins, God is always at work and will use all of these things to fulfill his divine purposes.

I left this evening with such a renewed fervor for all that is happening in my life and the continued desire to just lean on Him more and more. I just want to embrace all the things going on in my life, good or bad, and just let God do what he wants with me and my life. I feel it ever more in my gut that he's growing me closer into His image.

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On another note...I got some sad news. My mom's long-time friend of .... gosh... 30+(?) years passed away last Sunday. I knew H was in the ICU at the hospital the last couple of weeks, and so I assumed my mom had been busy helping her family out and such, which would explain why we hadn't been in a lot of contact this last week. I called my sister who told me tonight of what transpired. I guess my mom isn't handling it too well.

I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now, either. I guess the first step in grief is denial. It's weird. I've known H and her family for all of my life. But a strange thing happens when you move away from home. It's like, I don't see her as regularly anymore since moving to California, so her death seems just like an intellectual concept, if that makes any sense. I guess it would be different if I was in Arizona partaking in the wake, the funeral, and related activities.

I've thought about this idea before too. Like if my grandparents were to pass would it even seem real? I don't think it would because I feel a bit 'removed' from them now that I live out-of-state.

*sigh*

I dunno...H was an awesome woman, and I've got so many great memories of her. I ask that you all pray for healing and comfort for all of those who are grieving her death.

Thanks everyone.

Love,

Rambling Muse

More Housekeeping

Ok folks...on the dating topic I decided to get more serious about the 'clutter' surrounding my love life. I went through the phone numbers on my cell phone and deleted all names and numbers of men who are in an 'ambiguous state of being' with me. I did the same to my Yahoo IM list as well.

No more, "I wonder ifs", or hanging out with "questionable friends". You know, the ones where you just "know" aren't going to lead anywhere, but which are a good dates when bored. Or the ones where you know their actions and interests don't really jive with their words. Unless there is secure knowledge of a platonic friendship or a romantic intention, all of these phone numbers and names are now gone. If they want to contact me, well, I'll figure that part out later.

I'm going to choose boredom over the company because, as Whitney Houston so eloquently put it, "I'm saving all my love for you". "You" being the elusive soulmate and life partner. I want our time to be meaningful and purposeful, and I can't be sharing haphazard moments with these guys. I'm all about positive energy and effort that will yield what I want. I'm focused on God and his provisions and that's that. If a man comes along, then God wants me to be ready. I can't be ready and willing if I've got these guys hanging around.

I also am in the process of decluttering and simplifying the tangible stuff in my possession. As I find momentos and reminders of ex boyfriends, they are going into a box to be stored away somewhere out of sight. I want to toss some of that stuff, but THAT step I'm not ready for yet. So the next best thing is to just tuck that stuff away until I'm truly ready to part with those things.

It's all a slow process and patience and latitude are key. Slowly, but surely I things will come together. I know God will do his part if I do mine.

-RM

Reflections

As some of you know, I had actually started this blog back in November. I was loving the blog life, when something happened. A 'security breach' occurred in January. I was sent into a panic.

Somehow certain close family and friends got a hold of the blog url and I was sent in a tizzy because this is meant to be a journal - a private journal. Or, at least as private as it can get, you know? Some of my earlier posts about my family didn't paint the nicest picture, so I quickly took down those old posts and renamed my url in an attempt to thrwart the invasion of my privacy. Hence the name "undergroundmuse" in my url. I had to 'go into hiding', so to speak. I thought that name was amusingly appropriate. Yeah, now you know the story behind the name.

I went through those old archives the other day and decided that I will slowly and discriminately repost some of those old posts. They won't all happen all at once, but you can check in from time to time in the archives to see what old goodies I've decided to repost.

It was interesting because a lot of the insights I first wrote about had been forgotten, so it was eye-opening to know see how I've changed, how I've grown, how I've regressed, and who has come and gone in my life. It's good to do a periodic review sometimes, I guess. I think that's where the faith in upkeeping this blog comes into play. I write because I enjoy it, because it's cathartic, and because it helps to process lessons and record experiences. But the truer meaning in all of this is that I hope to read back on it all with gratitude and clarity, knowing that the journey was well worth it to get me to this perfect moment in the present.