It Shouldn't be This Way

My guy pal, EC, IM'd me today, asking me if I ever had to make a difficult decision. Uhh...ok. So I asked him where he was going with this. Turns out he's been thinking a lot about marriage and whether to move forward with this gal, SL, that he's been dating.

Let me put it this way: I am fearful *for* him. Not only does their relationship concern me, but their relationship is such that it makes me SO, SO glad that I am single. I would rather be single, seeking and pining, than in such a relationship.

He told me some of things people have been telling him:

- they feel like she's controlling him
- that his parents don't like her
- that she's a bully
- that she's disrespectful to him

And so on...

For a long time now I have been praying that he'll see the light and in the intital stages I just figured he'd realize these things sooner rather than later. However, I don't get it. About a year later he's still with her, but each time I see them together it makes me cringe. How can he possibly see a lifetime with such a person? She's mean, rude, lazy, condescending, and definitely insecure, just to name a few of her "better" qualities.

I have not seen him change for the better in this relationship. All I have seen is his slow withdrawal from friends and increasing isolation as a couple, mainly due to her expectations and her demands on the relationship. Additionally, I've felt myself shy away from them as a couple, but have tried my best to maintain my friendship with EC. I've stayed away from them because they are another one of those "toxic" couples that don't instill hope and warm fuzzies about finding a good partnership. I've also stayed away from them because she has not been inviting of his friends into their relationship as a couple.

I've spent some time with SL really trying my best to get to know her and to see if I could see why EC is with her, and I just don't get it. She has not shown generosity, joy, openness, or true faith, love, and patience to her friends and others around her. I don't expect people to be perfect in Christlike love, but I do expect them to be considerate and just kind-hearted, which I have now come to know is innate in a person. I don't think EC gets that. There are some things innate to someone, that no matter how aware of themselves they are, they can never ever truly change. For SL, I do not see her ever being truly kind, selfless, or sincere in her actions or thoughts of others. Consideration is not in her nature. She can try all she wants, but these good qualities do not stem from an inner love for others. I don't know if I'm making sense, but I have a feeling ya'all get it, right?

An interesting thing that EC mentioned was something his pastor had mentioned. His pastor said SL had been through a lot of hurt and struggles (haven't we all?) and that when you marry someone, you marry those hurts and those struggles. Their hurts and their struggles become *your* hurts and struggles. That stuck with me, but in my old age I've already come to know that. I have a lot of hang ups, and I realized those things will never fully be healed. Yes, as an adult we learn how better to mitigate exposure of those wounds, but they never really go away. To find a partner and/or friend who can see, share, and help assuage those wounds is one of the most difficult and most rewarding things we can do for ourselves. That is why its so important to take your time in these matters, to really make friends with that wounded child, and to understand what qualities are needed to create everlasting happiness. There is a *huge* difference between wants and needs, and it's SO much more difficult pursuing the latter, which is the one that matters most.