Wed Nov 30, 2005; 6:30AM; Somewhere in the Air After Departure from Munich, Germany

My thoughts drift to SB as I sit here during this flight. Why do we always see clearly in retrospect? And why does our view of what could have been or what we think could have been always haunt us? It's one thing to look back and be clear that the other was the issue and that life together would not be good. But what about those times when you clearly see your faults in the process? When life together could have worked out had you been more cognizant of it? Or is that wishful thinking? Delusion?

My thoughts drift to SF (the person, not the city...ha ha...). That relationship will go no where, but it's always nice to have someone there regardless. I see so many relationship dynamics and hope so deeply that those on the ouside looking in will see the depth of the love between my life partner and me. I want someone who wants to live life with me, who will help me bridge reality with my desires.

My thoughts drift to others. Who has been thinking of me?

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Just a few thoughts to add...SF and I have nothing going on between us. He and I are sort of in an ambiguous state right now. We enjoy our time together, but there's a larger awareness that we are not fated to be with each other. So then my question is this: is it smart to spend time with someone where you know there is no future together, even in the platonic sense? Another question is: is it helpful or hurtful to yourself to pass time with someone until the 'right one' comes along? Is it better to be alone or to take a date as it comes?

Obviously I would not be spending time with him if I felt his emotions for me were greater than mine (or vice versa). In some way, I think we're both in a similar state of mind and of being that we're ok with what it is. It's difficult to convey in words, but there's an unstated understanding about our circumstances, and because of that, it's actually liberating knowing that I don't have to kid myself or play games about the reality of the situation.

I personally prefer to be alone and with friends, but one can't deny that it's nice when you can cross the friendship line, be it ever so slightly.