SO Grateful!!

I'm really just feeling God's presence right now. Not just this particular moment, but this particular period of time in my life. It's been maybe a couple of weeks since I've had this feeling, and I have no idea how long it will last. I can't even begin to explain the 'high' I'm on lately. It's so weird. I hope ya'all aren't thinking I'm tripping because if I was you and reading my latest posts, I'd be thinking I'm seriously smoking some heavy stuff, or seriously wondering what happened that triggered such posts to come out.

I don't know. I can't explain it. But I'm going to keep writing because there's just SO much going on in my life right now. SO much inspiration that I can't type fast enough to keep up with all the wonderful insights and spiritual awakenings I'm experiencing. I really want to record it all before this energy escapes me again. No major life-changing events or anything like that have happened. Nothing particularly unusual or significant has happened. I'm still going about my boring daily routine, stuck in a job that makes me miserable, and desiring a relationship that has yet to come to fruition. And yes, even the diet is the same and no, I'm not hormonal. It's more of this spiritual transformation that's going on and it's just awesome. Just completely and utterly awesome.

The other night I tried out a new bible study group. As I mentioned previously I had strayed from God for a while. I was busy living life and with all the 'noise' involved with it, that I had neglected my relationship with Him. I was still going to church on a weekly basis, but I stopped going to bible study and doing daily (or the occasional) devotional time. So with this break between now and June (June is when I am tentatively going to start training again for another marathon run) I decided I was going to fill the time by running a few smaller runs (5Ks, 10ks), look for another job, and also try out one of these new bible study groups. Again it's about balance, right? And finding your way, right?

Yesterday's lesson was called, "Let Us Draw Near To God", but that's not really relevant to this point. As my previous posts talked about, I was really "getting" the concept of "run at your own pace". I mean *really* getting it at it's essence and core and how that truly applied to my life and the life laws and lessons out there. When I showed up to bible study, there was nothing unusually special about it at all. We talked about Sat's sermon (yes, I attend Sat evenings instead of the typical Sundays) and began going through a list of questions. But then we went off on some tangent, and I don't really remember how or why, but RD began talking about growing spiritually at your own pace, and kept going on about pacing yourself and such.

This may not seem like much to you readers, but I knew that God was speaking directly to me at that moment. It's like I just *knew* it was a message for me. It was his way of affirming that I'm where I'm supposed to be at in life, and that He's with me. He knows. He knows that I'm struggling and seeking my way, and that He's working in me. It just all seemed too coincidental for me to be SO into this concept of 'pace' and then for this tangent and this woman to use these words that would resonate with me because, honestly, I'm not a religious zealot or anything (I'm probably the most faithful, yet cynical believer you'll ever know) and often times you already know the "language" of bible study. You use words like "struggle", "suffer", "humble", or "trust" a lot. And you talk about how you "feel His presence" or how "He's working" in your life. I struggle with all of those concepts sometimes and wonder often if I'm just not getting it when everyone around me seems to be nodding in agreement. But that night I was seriously feeling it. I *got* it. I *really* did. I know He's with me and telling me to keep putting him first and that all things would fall into place if I kept doing that.

So I guess through this blog and stating it here, I'm holding myself accountable to my spiritual growth. I'm recommiting myself and my time to Him for at least the next 3-4 months before I have to reallocate my time towards training. I'm going to be intentional about spending devotional time with him, both in terms of church and bible study attendance, and also by diligently praying each evening. I keep you all in my prayers anyway, but if you happen to have any particular prayer requests, email them to me and I'll see what I can do. :-P I don't know if I have much clout with the man upstairs, but He's a good God and will answer them according to his perfect will. I know that for sure!

Another random thing this evening...an old boyfriend of mine called me up (ironically when I was at the bible study) and since I got out late I called him back tonight instead. We'd been in touch occasionally over the years, so this wasn't completely out of the blue or anything. I dated DL way back in college when I was a freshman and, well, long story short, my mom hated him, I was rebellious, and then he broke my heart. We were together less than a year. Now, over 10 years later, he's finalizing his divorce and has joint custody of their 4 1/2 year old daughter. And here I am, still single and dating.

After talking to DL and catching up, it was yet another sign. I felt nothing for him but genuine concern and goodness for his well-being and I could hear the struggles and the searching he was going through, and all I wanted to do was help lift him up. I know he was reaching out and God put me here to help him along during this part of DL's journey in life. It was like another form of closure for me. God happened to bring DL back into my life right now to to reaffirm that I was moving on. That I was doing good. That I should give thanks again for the path my life took. And after talking to DL, there was a lot to give thanks for. I could not have imagined what life would have been like had I stayed with him for any duration longer than I did. I could tell we were SUCH different people, and when I hung up the phone I gave thanks for the gift of singleness. I've grown in so many ways as a single person. I could not imagine being married to the "wrong" person for even a minute. I'd much rather be happy as a single than miserable married. I'm SO grateful for this fact, and I know - I just know - that God will bring the right man into my life when the time is right. In the mean time, I'm just going to trust Him, trust His timing, be faithful and just serve Him and those around me in love and in kindness.

My heart just wants to burst at the seams with all this love and gratitude I'm feeling these days.

Stay tuned. I know there's much more just waiting to be blogged about.

Love ya,
Rambling Muse