A Letter to Mom

Don't read on if you're looking for an uplifting Mother's Day letter.

It ain't that kind of post.

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Hi Mom,

I love you. Do you know that?

I appreciate you. Do you know that too?

And, I wish we could be close. Did that ever occur to you?

I've always longed for that mother-daughter relationship that so many friends of mine had. The ones where they seemed more like friends than parent-child, where hours could be spent just talking and sharing. I've longed for so many years to hear more about our family history, to hear more about your own experiences growing up, both as a single and married woman, and I just wanted to know the wishes and dreams you had for both yourself and for me. I just want to know who the person I call 'mom' really is.

I wish I could tell you this, and I've tried so many times over the years, but our timing was never right. When you were parenting, I was rebelling. When I was ready to listen, you were going through your own struggles. When I spent time growing into adulthood, you became a grandmother and your focus was elsewhere. And now, as my life seems uncertain again, with so many changes and decisions looming in the horizon, I find myself just wanting you near. I long for the comfort and guidance that only a parent can give, but the ironic part is that you don't even know me. No one will ever love me or want the best for me like a parent can, but it is with mixed emotions when I draw on that love because after all these years we still don't speak the same love language.

I'm writing this to you from that place in my heart where no words could ever fully convey the depths of it's meaning. For years you and dad put in long hours at the store and all of this for what? To give us the life, the education, and the opportunities that you were never able to having while growing up. And for years I resented that. I never cared for all the things that you bought me. I never cared for the things I was able to to. After all was said and done at the end of the day, I just wanted you to be present, to be connected to me, to know that you understood and cared about all the things that were going on in my heart and in my mind.

Now as an adult I've come to see you in a different light. I see you as that bright-eyed and eager young woman who left life as she knew it in Asia to start a new adventure in America. An adventure that was full of hope and promise and all things wonderful and new. I see you as the loyal and faithful wife and mother, who put all of who she was at the time into giving her children and extended family all the opportunities she only wished she had as a child. I see you as strong and phenomenal woman who reinvented herself when she became widowed, who carried on with life when life just seemed too scary to live. And now, at this point in my life I see you as that strong woman who also has the heart of a wounded child, who has her own fears and issues to work through, and who also, in all likelihood, is having a moment like this, where you are feeling remorseful for so many poor decisions made from the wrong place in the heart, where you now understand that a lot will have to happen if things are to change between us.

I love you, Mom. I really do.

I'm sorry it's turned out this way. I really am. But I'm hopeful going forward. I'll try to meet you in the middle. I really will.

So on this Mother's Day I just want to say, "Thank You". I know you did (and are doing) the best you can.

-RM