Want or Want Not?

I've been reflecting a lot on relationships and marriage lately. I've come to realize that many young couples are too focused on planning the engagement and planning the wedding, and they aren't putting enough thought into planning the marriage.

I haven't posted much lately - just too much going on and I just didn't want blogging to distract me from just 'being', from just 'living' my life for a while. I've been meeting a lot of people through recent activities of mine, and have been casually dating. It's such a strange thing to know what you want. It certainly makes navigating the dating scene a whole lot easier.

Through all of these people I've been meeting, I've been getting to know a couple of guys. And then just within the last few weeks I've been communicating with someone from eharmony. I'll have to post more about him another time, but for now all I am saying is that I'm dating with a lot of trepidation, and I'm staying true to anything and everything the process is bringing up within me.

The most recent issue (and biggest concern right now) is rate of disclosure. I found myself pulling away from this person because they were so free with personal information. It's such an irony to know that the things that attract us to someone are the same things that repel us. I like that he's open and a good conversationalist, but then I also find myself thinking he talks too much. LOL. It's a neverending balancing act, and a never ending gut-check at any given moment. I'll probably call him again in a few days after I've had some time to digest it all, but our last conversation the other night was just information overload and quite unexpected pieces of information as well.

My mind is just dumping thoughts right now, so forgive the randomness of this post.

Another thought...attraction. I've never been one to really care about a person's looks or income or any of those superficial things. I've dated people in the past mainly because of how well our rapport was. And so I find myself seeking someone I can just talk to. Someone who has interesting things to say, someone who can carry a good conversation, who can just go from topic to topic and go from insightful to lighthearted without much effort. I've been sifting through a lot of guys lately who just haven't captured my interest in terms of their conversational style, and now I've found one who has my interest and who has expressed interest in me as well. But, there are some red flags, to be discussed later.

But, this is not my point here. Through this I am reminded of something I read a long time ago which was something like this: "when seeking a partner, what you are really seeking is the experience of you." I've been pondering this phrase and it's much more than just how good someone makes you feel when you're with them. It's also a sense of freedom and liberation to fully become who you were meant to be. I know the person I end up with will NOT make me happy, nor can they change me. But that intangible experience I am seeking is the partnership that allows me to feel safe, secure, and courageous enough to take on life with all of my flaws and fears. And, it's about love. Giving it freely, serving someone else's needs, and also learning to receive love. And sharing it. Sharing the experience of me, of life, of him, of everything that makes your soul and spirit come alive.

Along with this I began to think about identity in a relationship. I realized there is definitely a firm knowing of who I am. It's this assured knowing of myself that made me realize that somehow I need to work towards acceptance of meshing identities. And I wonder...is it a choice to let go of some aspects of singlessness and my identity for the sake of the relationship, or is it something that just naturally happens when you've met "the one"? There's a resistance I feel to move forward, some of it stemming from the red flags, and some of it just wondering if it's really what I want right now.

Did anyone watch today's episode of Oprah? Her topic was about the realities of marriage and some of the things people should consider before making that commitment. Two quotes stood out to me:

"I paid more attention to the rock on my hand than to readying my heart for the journey ahead."

"If I had it to do over again, I would have guarded the things that make me feel like me."

- Kristin Armstrong (ex wife of Lance Armstrong), on the reality of marriage and the loss of self in a marriage.

I've been wanting a relationship for a long time, and even though these dates are still in the early stages, I wonder if I really want it after all. I'm ok. Life is good. I enjoy my free time. I enjoy my friends. I enjoy my activities. I like knowing I don't have to check in and constantly consider someone else right now.

Life is funny. What I want, what it gives me, where it takes me, and how it unfolds is anybody's guess! The ride is a doozy and it's anybody's guess how this will end up!

More later!