Dysfunction Reigns Supreme

Was debating whether to write about this or not. But I guess I will.

This morning my mom and I had a big fight. She was on this big power trip thing. Each time I'd tell my niece or nephew or to or not to do something, she'd tell them the opposite. I know she did that just to spite me. My mom has always been the type to get jealous of anyone who gets the attention or affinity of her grandkids. Now that my nephew knows I'll be leaving on Saturday, he's been especially attentive to me the last couple of days, and that fact alone really bugs her.

It's hard to see the kids when they are around her. You can see how undisciplined, unruly, spoiled, and sassy they are around her. Something within her is afraid of disciplining the kids, as if structure or defined expectations would make them love her less. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I know she purposely (whether subconsciously or unconsciously) sabotages some discipline methods that my sister and brother-in-law try to employ because in some way it helps keep the kids dependent on her. It makes everyone around her seem like the bad guys and her spoiling methods make the kids run to her because they get babied. This helps her to feel like she's wanted or needed.

Anyway...We had a huge argument and my nephew ran out of the room crying. Her temper has always been something she has yet to control. When my mom is upset she will say some pretty mean things and will yell with such force that the volume is enough to make an impact, reaffirming (to me) the fact that often it's HOW you say it, versus WHAT you say. It's hard for someone to feel safe when words are used against you, or when your weaknesses are thrown in your face. I know that my childhood is full of such wounds and scars, times when she'd be ranting and raving because she was unable or not conscientious enough to calm down before speaking.

In my adult years, I realized that my mom is the type of person who never should have had children. She was not the maternal type, nor is she the selfless type. She's the type who had children out of her own selfish reasons. I'm actually often surprised to step back and look at how well my siblings and I turned out despite the dysfunction of her own emotional baggage.

Someone whom I once confided a lot of stuff to once was actually quite shocked that I never turned to alcohol, drugs, or tried to run away during my "youth". I look back and wonder about that too. What makes some people take a destructive life path and others in the same circumstances take a productive one? I don't know, but there's a constant struggle within. I feel it growing and growing as I mature and start to take full acknowledgment and action towards building the life I want. I want my future husband and children to know what a healthy, happy family life would be like, but in my reality that would mean limiting their exposure to the current family I have, which in my ideal mind is not the choice I want to make.

Changes to such things are so complex. There's a whole lot involved in changing for the better. Or, to phrase that another way, there's a lot involved with changing things away from what is known to what you hope is different in a better way: forgiveness, acceptance, choices, courage, trust, faith, hope, and time. There are probably more virtues I missed, but those are the ones that come to mind right now.

*sigh*

My mom's still mad. She's been gone from the house now for 4 hours. I have no idea when she'll be back.

What a way to end my vacation, huh?

Oh...which is another pattern of hers. It's SO tough for her to say she'll miss us. SO tough for her to see us all leave. And so we repeat this pattern. The day or two before any of us depart from our visits home, she creates or causes conflict because of her inability to acknowledge that in her heart she truly loves us and misses us. Or it could be the other way around. She knows how much she misses us and just doesn't want to acknowledge it, and so she pushes away those she loves most. I don't know. Part cultural, part familial, part individual. The dynamic and analysis of this is very, very complex.

Anyway, I will miss my sister's family a lot when I leave. And again, I will leave home wondering when my relationship with my mother will heal and move forward from this raw, ugly feeling in my heart.

Home is not where my heart is.

So sad...

*waaaah*

*sigh*