The Life and Times of the Rambling Muse

Hello!

2006-07-24T23:36:00.000-07:00

I'm still here!

I went on blog vacation, so to speak. I got tired of blogger being down for maintenance and being somewhat flakey, so I did some blog shopping.

I had this grand idea to redesign my blog on blogger, and then it grew from there. Quite a few fellow bloggers have/are migrating to Wordpress (another blogging site), so I decided to check it out and have been playing around with it for a few days now.

You can check out my new blog at: http://undergroundmuse.wordpress.com/.

Let me know what you think.

The only real negative is that anyone who wants to leave a comment needs to enter an email address, and I know that something like that would cause me to think twice about posting. That can be good thing, 'tho.

Gimme your feedback...polls will close at the end of the month. ;-)

Happy blogging!

Not My Feet

2006-07-17T01:50:00.000-07:00

On vacation.

Be back later...

Song Lyrics

2006-07-14T23:30:00.000-07:00

by Natalie Grant

I’ve been driving through the night
Pull up and see the lights
This is the place that I call home

I watch you as you dream
I think of all you mean to me
Touch your face, kiss you softly

And before I go to sleep, I pray under the stars
Search my soul and check my heart

CHORUS:
(I) thank God for another day, another chance
To love the ones I love
To find my way
To laugh, to dance
And watch the sun come up
Another day I get to live
As if every breath could be the last I take
I get another day

I have a hand that I can hold
Someone who knows my soul
A safe place to lay my head at night
Still sometimes I forget
Just how much I’ve been blessed in life
I forget what means the most to me, yeh
But I’m waking up again
I feel my beating heart
So grateful that I’ve come this far

CHORUS:
Another day to make somebody smile
To go the extra mile
To take a wrong and make it right
Yeh, I’m tryin’ to touch somebody’s life
I get another day

Summer Fun

2006-07-08T22:07:00.000-07:00

You Should Spend Your Summer at the Beach

You're a free spirit who is always thinking of new ways to have fun.
And you don't just love summer... you live for it.
So, you really should blow off your responsibilities and head to the beach!

Where Should You Spend Your Summer?

Hats Off To You Parents

2006-07-06T23:42:00.000-07:00

Everytime I come home I am reminded of all the hard work of stay-at-home moms and single parents. Handling my niece and nephew, cooking, cleaning, and trying to run and errand or two during the day takes a lot of patience, flexibility, sense of humor, and energy, among other traits!

Today I woke up to find my niece had pee'd on the carpet and had tried to clean it up herself, which only made it a lot worse since she had tried to use toilet paper. Bits and pieces of pee-soaked toilet paper were all over the carpet, just screaming, "Good Morning!". Nice. LOL!!

Then it was time to make breakfast, which consisted of Lucky Charms cereal. My nephew is generally a good kid and I didn't have any headaches with him today. My niece, on the other hand, refused to eat her cereal with milk, and even then all she did was pick out the marshmallow shapes and left all the cereal in the bowl. When she finished I cleaned up the kitchen and just as I got everything cleaned up, she said she was still hungry. Argh. So then I had to pull out another plate and fed her preztels and ham slices, which was another mess I had to clean up and which delayed my grand plan of having us out and to the park by 10AM-ish.

Getting out of the house was another issue. Getting two kids dressed and ready to leave the house was a chore. My niece insisted on changing her outfit a few times. Then she wouldn't leave me alone when I tried to get dressed or use the bathroom. My nephew kept reminding me to bring bread to feed the ducks which generally doesn't bother me, except that his younger sister is now in that phase where she likes to copy him in every way possible, whether it's in behavior or in phrases they say. Imagine two kids just nagging their aunt. Argh!!

When we got back from the park it was snack time and then finally I had a few moments to relax. I even had time to check email and have an interrupted conversation. I also managed to unload and reload the dishwasher. It feels like the basic household chores just never end. As in, 'didn't I just unload the dishwasher???"

When they woke up from their nap it was back to work. I made lunch for the two of them and again, my niece just somehow manages to make such a mess. I was finding bits and pieces of food on the floor, on the table, on the chair, and on my clothes. LOL.

This was only half of the day!! I'm exhausted! I'm too tired to even finish writing about the rest of the day!!

I love the kids to death but I am seriously tired!!! I really admire and respect all parents out there!

I've got another long day with the kids tomorrow.

You all have a good night!

Are You Sure We're Related?

2006-07-05T23:15:00.000-07:00

I've only been in Phoenix for one full day now and already the contrasts between both my sisters' families is so drastic!

Both of my sisters are older. T is in Phoenix and has a 5 year old son and a 2.5 year old daughter. G is in Houston and has a 2.5 year old daughter and a 3 week old baby.

I went from G's house, where there were structured schedules, rules and much organization, to T's house where things get done whenever, where rules are enforced (but enforced with much latitude), and organization that makes sense only to those who live it. LOL.

All of their kids are good kids, but seeing both environments back to back makes me wonder if my sisters are really related. LOL. It's also a good eye-opener for me to see how environment can really affect a child's social disposition. Both my sisters married men who are undoubtedly suited to their respective personalities, and it's just interesting to see the dynamics of both relationships. Each of their husbands also father differently. It's interesting to see the various parenting styles and environments. Of course, this makes me wonder about my future kids and the kid of environment I'd like to raise them in, but I'm trying not to muse too much about stuff that is not a part of my present circumstances.

Anyway, it's really good to spend time with family like this. It helps reaffirm that singleness is a good state to be in, and it also helps to assuage that biological clock that seems to be ticking loudly these days.

Here's what my nephew and I did today:

- Watched cartoons in the morning

- Played frisbee

- Played two games of Candyland (I lost both times!)

- Played hide-and-seek

- Went to the park, taught my nephew how to swing on his own which was too funny. Makes me wonder who it was who taught me how to do that. ??

- McDonald's for lunch (Yeah, not healthy, but hey, I'm the aunt. It's my duty to spoil them!LOL.)

- Made paper airplanes and other cool origami

- Napped

- Baked and decorated cookies

- Dinner then a bedtime story

Whew! I am exhausted. And to think...my sister wants to leave BOTH kids at home with me tomorrow. I'm not sure about that one yet. We'll figure it out in the morning, but I'm exhausted just thinking about back on today, and I was only babysitting ONE kid! LOL.

More later.

Good night!

The Book Study - Chapter 2

2006-07-02T18:31:00.000-07:00

Previous posts:
The book study
Chapter 1

"In My Father's House", by Mary Kassian.

You can read more about the book here.

-------------------------------

Part 1: The Father Relationship

Chapter 2: God's Father Relationships

-------------------------------

This chapter begins with Kassian telling the story of a child who was conceived unbeknownst to the biological father. The mother gave the child up for the adoption and shortly after this, the biological father found out he had fathered a child and then began to sue for custody of his daughter. After a 3 1/2 year court battle, the biological father was awarded custody. On one side you had the heart-wrenching moment of knowing the child was being taken away from her adoptive father, the only one she had known from birth, and on the other side, the joyous tears of the biological father who had fought so hard to raise her as his own. This then raises the question, who really is the father? Is it the one who raised and nurtured her on a daily basis, or is it the one who helped give her life? No one would really argue that both examples can be considered her father. And so, it is with this example that Kassian introduces this chapter and the four different types of relationship in which the Bible teaches that God is Father.

Father of Creation

from page 12:

Without the Creator there would be no life, no existence, and no family of mankind.

In Malachi 2:10 the prophet asks, "Have we not one Father? Has not one God created us?"

This section was clear to me in the sense that we all came into existence in some way, form, and fashion, and thus we all have been fathered by "the Creator".

Father of Israel

The following are exerpts from this header in the book, but my own knowledge of scripture and bible history is not extensive enough for me to really know how or what I think about the things she talks about in this section.

from page 17:

God's second fatherhood relationship is his relationship to his convenant nation, the Jews.

"I will be the God of all the families of Israel, and they shall be My people. . . . For I am a Father to Israel" (Jer. 31:1, 9). Over and over again the children of Israel were challenged to recognize and respond to this family relationship.

"God's father relatinship with the nation of Israel foreshadowed the time when people from all nations would enter into an adoptive relationship with him.

Father of Jesus

from page 17:

God the Father and God the son have a unique relationship. Jesus, who exists eternally, is the Father's "only begotten Son" (John 3:16); His "first born" (Heb. 1:6). The two relate as Father and Son and yet are equal, both being fully God (Phil. 2:6; Heb. 1:8-9).

In more than 100 references to God as "Father" in the Gospel of John, the overwhelming majority specifically refer to him as the Father of Jesus. The exclusiveness of their relationship is reinforced by the fact that Jesus never coupled himself with others, even his disciples, as being sons of God. He never referred to God as "our" Father, including himself in the "our". Instead, he was careful to differentiate between his own sonship and the sonship of his disciples.

Father of Adopted Children

from page 18:

Jesus redeemed us so that we might be adopted into God's family and relate to God as our own Father.

Adoption, as understood in the Greco-Roman world, was a legal institution whereby one could adopt a child and give that child all the rights and privileges of a naturally born child and give that child all the rights and privileges of a naturally born child. It meant a legal change of status from one family identity and inheritance to another.

Through Jesus' sacrifice, God legally changes our status so that he is our adoptive Father and we are his children. This is the redemptive relationship with God all believers share.

-------------------------------

While I have been growing in my relationship and understanding of God as the ultimate "Father", I am still having trouble accepting His love and desire for me as his chosen daughter. Since the last chapter, I've been reflecting a bit on my relationship with my earthly father, and while it was not without love, it was without the true expression from him of knowing how desired and loved I was. There was a deep respect and 'knowing' that I belonged to my dad, but there was still always a distance there, a wondering of how he really felt and thought about me. And it is this perception that I've projected onto my view of God.

I've been wondering often how God could truly love me, despite all the bad choices I've made, the shameful thoughts and relationships in my past, and how he could desire me when there are so many other people who are 1) more "worthy" of his love, and 2) who are in worse situations than mine and who need His love more desperately than I do. However, the truth is that we are ALL worthy of His love. We are all deserving of His love. We are all desired deeply by Him. And we are all loved by Him more than we could ever imagine.

I think I am finally able to let go of a lot of my preconceived and current notions of God's love for me and there's this sudden awareness of the vulnerability I'm feeling as I let down my guard. Allowing Him to love me is more frightening in many ways because there's the knowing that He truly knows me more intimately than even my parents. There are so many parts of me that I see as less than good, that I'm not proud of, that I think are more negative than positive, and for Him to know these things and to still love me is unthinkable.

And then I had another realization one day. My relationship with God the Father is the ultimate example by which I am to model all earthly relationships. Since I have trouble believing God would love me, why would I believe that those around me could truly love me as well? And what about all those skeletons in the closet? I think a lot of people would think differently of me if they were shared, and to think that the Lord knows all of these things about me and still loves me is something I realized I need to accept. If I can't accept that God truly loves me in spite of such things, then how can I have a healthy, productive relationship in real life? How can I believe that anyone else around me could love and accept those things about me too?

It's complicated what I am thinking and feeling and musing over about in this chapter. All I can really say at this point is that I get the sense that I see God's hand in so many parts of my life and that trust I have in Him is building ever so slowly, moment by moment. I'm sensing His love for me more and more and because of that, my heart has been softening and I find myself wanting to be more vulnerable in His presence. I'm starting to acknowledge and accept His faithfulness to me and I can sense His joy in seeing me - his daughter - grow in the love that he provides.

So with that, I'll end this week's chapter study with another prayer.

Father God,

Thank you for bringing me through another week. My heart and burdens feel heavy when I think about all the areas I could change. It seems impossible for me to fully accept that you could love me so thoroughly and so intimately. I pray, Father, that you affirm in my heart and mind that I am your daughter and that despite all of my failings, that I am loved thoroughly and intimately by you. Father God, thank you for loving me even when my choices, thoughts, and feelings were/are less than Godly. Thank you, Lord, for opening the eyes of my heart and for drawing close to me as I am drawing nearer to you.

Amen

-------------------------------

Reference excerpts

page 18-19

Have you ever heard of an unplanned adoption?...Couples who have been unable to have biological children and who choose to adopt know what it is to long for a child. They know what it is to yearn to share their love. Their desire to love is so strong that they will take a child with a blemished past and a dubious future. ...This is just what the father does. He rescues orphans from despair and brings them into the warmth of his family. He planned for you, looked for you, found you, signed the papers, and brought you home.

My husband, Brent, could barely wait for our first child to be born. Every night he would caress my expanding belly and talk to the baby he could not yet see. Finally the time arrived! Our son was born, and the nurse gently placed the warm, wrinkly bundle of flesh into his father's waiting arms. Brent was overcome with inexpressible emotion: love joy, tenderness, pride. He was a father! Your heavenly Father chose you as his child before the foundation of the world. He did this because "he wanted to." This choice gave him much joy and pleasure (Eph. 1:4-6). Consider your Father God anticipating the time when you would be born again. The love, joy, tenderness, and pride of almighty God, your heavenly Father, was focused on you, his new adopted son or daughter.

Drawing Near To God

2006-06-25T14:56:00.000-07:00

Worship.

What does this word bring to mind?

The last few weeks that I've been to church I can't contain myself during the praise and worship part of service. When I'm singing along, I feel like my heart is wanting to jump out out of my body and declare how wonderful God is and all the magnificent ways He's been working in my life. I find myself singing louder, I find myself lifting my hands, clapping, dancing, and just shouting unto the Lord. It's weird. All my life I never really understood some of these demonstrative folks in church, and even in the last year since I've been attending this church, I often thought I just wasn't getting something, as if I had missed a memo somewhere along the way.

And now?

Now I've become one of them. I get it. I get how real and magnificent He is. The Lord is so in me now. He's so near to me. His presence is everywhere and I see it in everything and everyone I meet now. And those of you who are standing where I once was, on the outside looking in and scratching your heads, I pray that God will reveal himself to you when it's your time and when it's according to His plans for your life. You'll see. One day it will happen and you'll never be the same.

It really is all about Him. It really is all about offering up your life to Him as a sacrifice of praise. To thank him for being who He is and for always loving me even during the darker times of my life when I was pursuing selfish desires of my own will. God had never changed. He's always been the same omnipotent God who was there all throughout my life, but who was waiting for me to open myself up to Him. God doesn't force himself into your life. He patiently waits, continues to work in you, but never forces you to partner up with Him. He wants that relationship with you, but he waits until you ask. He doesn't want someone to follow Him blindly. Keep seeking your truth. Keep testing your faith. Keep asking questions and keep on keeping on.

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

Love ya,
RM

The Book Study - Chapter 1

2006-06-25T00:30:00.000-07:00

Previous posts:
The Book Study

"In my Father's House", by Mary Kassian.

You can read more about this book here.

-----------------------

Part 1: The Father Relationship

Chapter 1: The Fatherhood of God

-----------------------

One word to sum up my thoughts on this chapter: WOW.

6/18/06

I'm generally a fast reader and after reading just the introduction and first chapter, I was ready to read on and finish up this book. It's good. It's really good. I don't want to be too eager, 'tho. I think there's so much depth in what I've already read that to rush through the reading would be a disservice to myself. The insight and wisdom that is available to me in this reading is abundant. I must have reread the selection about 10xs today and each time new things would jump out at me. I literally had to force myself to slow down and take a few moments to really internalize all the spiritual truths that resonated with me.

The lightbulb that clicked days ago about God being the "ultimate Father" has brought my relationship with God to a whole new level. I relate differently to him now. I know his presence and power is very real, but previously I had this sense that there was still something unobtainable about him and the promises that he says are available to me. This view is slowly changing.

I no longer view him as this nebulous, all-encompassing power. My brain and being will never fully understand God or his higher ways, but that's ok. I've been experiencing his presence like never before, with the latest moment occuring at church today. My heart flipflopped with so much joy that I seriously can't get enough of him. I find myself falling in love with the Lord and I just can't contain myself! :-)

He is the "ultimate Father", and I am his chosen daughter. It is this idea that I am pursuing going forward. The concept that he is my protector, my nurturer, my encourager, my provider of all my needs and of unconditional love - all the things that an earthly father is to instill in us.

Kassian points out that if our earthly father is able to instill those good things in us, then a relationship with our Heavenly Father is easier to grasp and to relate to, but if that earthly relationship is tarnished, then we project those skewed perceptions on to our relationship with God, and accepting God's love is that much more difficult. This might be a 'no brainer', but this is so much more than an intellectual concept. A Father-Daughter (or Father-Son) relationship with God is so very real. More real to me now than even some of the relationships I see around me.

6/19/06

Today I've been reflecting on what Kassian states on page 12 (see below for exerpt). What I've been thinking about today is the importance of choosing a partner who has the qualities I'd like to pass on to my future children. Is it just the total character of a man that would somehow encompass those fatherly traits, or is it possible to find a guy who is good in character but still lacking in the paternal instincts? Are the two sets of character traits independent of each other or, if one is present, then does that mean the other set of traits are naturally there too?

I've also been thinking about my relationship with my earthly father and how the dynamics of that relationship is projected onto my relationship with God. I'm still mulling over those thoughts, so more on that later.

6/24/06

Much has been happening in my heart and in my life this week. I've been rereading and reflecting on this chapter and I just can't put it all into words here. You can catch a glimpse of His current workings in my life through my previous post here, "Opening the Eyes of My Heart".

I'll end this week's 'book study' with a prayer:

Father God,

Thank you for being the awesome and wonderful God that you are. Thank you for loving me as intimately as you do, and for showing me who you are in my life and in my surroundings. I ask you to continue searching my heart for anything and everything that needs to be resolved, that needs to be made right, and that needs to be given over to you. Your ways are higher than my ways. Remind me of that, Lord, and continue to give me patience, strength, and courage to follow you, despite my circumstances and some of the disappointments I've been going through lately. Continue to bless me, Father, and help me to be a blessing to others.

In Your son's holy name,
Amen

----------------------------

Reference excerpts:

page 5

When Jesus was on earth, his whole message was: "Come meet my Dad!" "Look at me," he said, "see what my Dad is like." "See how I imitate him!" "Let me tell you how much my Dad loves me!" "The love I have for you shows you how much my Dad loves you!" "The miracles I do are a result of the compassion and power of my Dad!" "The words I say, the things I teach, are truths from my Dad!" "Listen to me talk to my Dad." "Watch me spent time with my Dad." "Through me, he can be your Dad too!"

Jesus' message appeals to a fundamental need of the human heart: the need to be well fathered. Bringing us into a relationship with our heavenly Father was Christ's ultimate mission and goal. It was the reason he gave his life. Jesus said to him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me" (John 14:6). We enter into a relationship with Jesus so that he will lead us into the Father's house. At its root, a relationship with the Father is what the gospel is all about."

page 11

...Many Christians can quote John 14:6 that Jesus is the only way, but we may miss the key phrase. Jesus didn't say, "No one gets to go to heaven without me." He said, "No ones comes to the Father." According to Jesus, "coming to the Father" is what Christianity is all about. It's the ultimate goal of salvation.

I have seen many Christians minimize or neglect the importance of working on their relationship with the Father. This is a sad reflection of the times in which we live. Women are told that relating to God as Father is outdated, oppressive, and patriarchal. Men are told that emphasis on God's fatherhood is chauvinistic. As a result, many miss out, for they do not enter into the highest, richest, and most rewarding aspect of their whole relationship with God.

page 12

Try as we might to run from the concept of father, however, God had it hardwired into our souls. When God created people, he made them into the form of a family with a father and a mother. He did so because he knows what we need. Children need to come to trust an earthly dad so they will have the ability to trust the heavenly father.

Opening the Eyes of My Heart

2006-06-24T21:29:00.000-07:00

Lately I'm just amazed at the way that God is working in my life. It's difficult to articulate, but God has clearly been at work bringing certain people closer into my life, or bringing new and unusual characters into my life. By this, I mean people whom I'd never think in a million years would become my friends. It is a beautiful and valuable thing to have friends who are so different from you and who challenge you in different ways. I'm also just amazed at how certain needs, desires, and lessons are being filled and learned through these seemingly 'random' relationships that are either being formed, or that are being developed further.

Through one deepening of a friendship, I've discovered a woman with so much depth, life experiences, and just a pure and sincere love for others. She's been such a blessing sharing her insights and life perspective. I'm learning how life will continually throw a curve ball into so many things and how sometimes the most wonderful blessings are the ones you get once you've truly submitted a desire or want to God and his plans. There's a grace that develops when you decide to let life take it's course, come what may. She's truly an inspiration.

Through a new friendship made recently, I'm learning the lesson of loving without expectations, of encouraging someone through their struggles, and of accepting that more often than not, people don't always know how to receive love in whatever form, gesture, experience, or method that it is given or offered. Sometimes the best way to love is to let go, let God, and to pray for them often; and sometimes the way you want to love is not the way that the other needs to be loved. I hope this friend finds what they need in life.

Through a recent renewing of an old friendship, I'm learning that time often does dissolve disagreements, that time does really show you how strong a friendship really is, and how in time most conflicts were long resolved, only someone needs to make the first move in order to recognize this. It's the only way to carry the relationship to another level of understanding. I love how much closer I am to this friend through all of this. I truly thought the relationship was lost, but it's been rekindled with a stronger bond than before.

And even through old and lost relationships, God is showing me where and how love existed, where and how I was in touch with my spirit (and where I was not), and how I was able to pass that intangible feeling and knowing of love onto other people. He's showing me how to keep trusting that process, to keep trusting that operating from that place of love is really the only thing that matters, and how, in so many unexpected ways, someone else's imprint of love can touch you not by purposeful intentions, but just by 'being' a vessel for God and love to work through you.

He's slowly becoming real to me and that 'personal relationship' that you hear so many people talk about is exactly the thing that I've got now. He's speaking to me, He's showing me who he is, He's opening the eyes of my heart, and He's clearly using me to bless others.

Love ya,
RM

Run #3

2006-06-24T21:05:00.000-07:00

Today's run was 3 miles. My pace group ran it in 39:13. About a 13 minute mile using the 3 min run : 1 min walk ratio. Not bad, although for some reason I was struggling a bit today. We also ran it along the beach today instead of through Golden Gate Park like last week. And today was super foggy!! It was nice, actually. It was almost like a small 'getaway' because of the stark contrast to clear, sunny skies on the peninsula.

I finally met Steve, the other guy who had been MIA the last couple of weeks. Turns out he's actually the director of the SF AIDS Foundation, which is the group that I'm running with again. Pretty cool! He's been in the position for only 6 months and this is his first half marathon! I have such admiration for people who just continually challenge themselves in so many ways. I hope to grow old gracefully like that. It's just such a privilege to be sharing this experience with them.

Irma and I grabbed Korean food for lunch when we got back to our side of the bay. MMMmmm... so tasty!! :-)

She and I had a great talk over lunch. I've known her ever since I started working at my company about 6 years ago, but only worked in the same group with her for the last ~2 years, until the recent reorg that switched me to another group a few months ago. We never really had much overlap or spent much time together until recently.

I'm going to miss the next two runs due to my trip, so 4 miles will be run in Houston and 5 miles will be run in Phoenix. Let's hope I stay disciplined enough to keep up with the maintenance runs!

Cheers!

20 Things I Miss About Not Having A Relationship

2006-06-22T21:35:00.000-07:00

Ok, back from dinner and the movies.

What can I say? I've calmed down a bit from my last post, but rather than go off all the reasons why men suck and then feeling bad for posting it, I'm going to give 20 reasons I miss about a relationship.

1. Being able to rant like this to someone and having them think it's cute

2. Unlimited hugs

3. Hugs that make every problem seem insignificant by comparison

4. Cooking dinner together, then snuggling in front of a DVD for the evening

5. Private jokes/rituals/routines

6. Knowing someone's indiosycrasies

7. Having my own idiosycrasies known

8. Lounging around outside, under the stars, near the water on a warm summer night like tonight.

9. Sharing my dreams with someone

10. Dreaming with someone

11. Being able to spoil someone with affection and attention

12. Being together in the same house, but doing our own thing

13. Double dates

14. Having someone kill ants/spiders/bugs for me - lol

15. Having a rational, logical mind to bounce things off of

16. Having someone else drive the car

17. Snuggling, random hugs, and kisses for no reason

18. Falling asleep and waking up in their arms

19. A steady dancing partner

20. A tolerant karaoke partner

The Caterpillar Soon To Be Butterfly

2006-06-22T12:09:00.000-07:00

Dreams.

Are they really windows to the soul? Do they really reveal more about our lives than we are able to process on the conscious level? If we really took the time to analyze them would they provide answers to our questions? Or insights to our circumstances and desires?

The last couple of nights I had some bizarre dreams and I have no doubt that they are related to a few relationships in my life right now. Those relationships, compounded by some stress at work, my mom's sudden barrage of phone calls and well-intended questions about my personal life (this always happens after the birth of a child somewhere - lol!!), and my upcoming ~3 weeks away from home here (I'm really going to miss out on my some of my favorite activities here in the bay area), it doesn't surprise me if my soul is trying to tell me something. A lot is going on and I'm just trying to process it as gracefully and as 'sanefully' as I can.

Dream #1 - 007 aka "Super Spy Chick"
I can't remember all the details, except that I was super spy chick! LOL!! Sydney Briscoe (Alias) has got nothing on me! I was fighting ninjas, slithering between infrared laser beams and kicking a** with all my cool karate moves and shaolin art. I was darting gracefully down a white hallway, dodging obstacles of all kinds (people, booby traps, things being thrown at me, etc.). There was more, but that's mostly what I remember.

Dream #2 - Buck, Is That You?
This dream was just as bizarre as the first one. This time I was in some sort of sci-fi, Buck Rogers-type of situation. I don't really remember anything about what I was doing, except that I was aboard some sort of spacecraft and wearing outfits that were clearly like that from an episode of Buck Rogers. The dream had a Dr. Who feel to it. I love the old Dr. Who episodes with the doctor who wore the long knitted scarf. Anyone remember that guy or am I dating myself here?? LOL!!

Friend's Dream - CLEAR!
The other day a friend told me about his dream involving his ex. He said he was in a hospital room waiting to be seen by the doctor and his ex was mugging the doctor. I didn't get a lot of details, but in the few sentences he shared, it was clear to me that his ex still had a stronghold on his emotions. He's trying to move on, but he can't get past certain things. Which then makes me wonder, why do some dreams reflect your current circumstances so accurately while others are just so bizarre?

Friend #2's Dream - The Catepillar Soon To Be Butterfly
Today my other friend tells me about this really bizarre dream she had involving escaping from a burning home. Fire in so many ways represents transformation and change. I have no doubt that she is undergoing a metamorphosis in some area of her life.

As I was thinking about these dreams and the circumstances involved, I began to wonder... More often than not these days I've felt like my circumstances and surroundings have remained stagnant while my spiritual side is charging full speed ahead. I've been frustrated on many occasions when I still have to deal with the day-to-day when clearly my spirit knows what is important and what is not. I suppose the reverse could be true too. A person could be going through so many circumstantial changes that they've not had enough time to stop, reflect, and process the emotional changes involved.

My earthly body and the daily living has still not caught up with the place or pace where my spirit resides. How do we sync up the two parts of life? Is the key in our dreams? Or, perhaps, the fact that I'm having a increased number of weird dreams the key itself? Perhaps analysis is unnecessary. Perhaps knowing that the dreams are happening is the soul's message to our conscious self. As we go through change or struggles, perhaps our dreams are just our soul's way of saying, "Hey, you're the caterpillar soon to be butterfly".

Happy dreaming, ya'all!

Love ya,
RM

I Love You, Daddy

2006-06-18T00:02:00.000-07:00

To my Dad on Father's Day...

I miss you.

I wish you were here.

On this day I'm remembering the way you used to love singing along when I played those old Southern tunes on the piano like "Oh Susanna! ", "Dixie Land", and "Old Black Joe". Those were good times. :-) I suppose they reminded you of your time growing up in Mississippi, didn't they? :-)

I love you!

---------------

"It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was."
- By Anne Sexton (1928-1974) U.S. poet

The Book Study

2006-06-17T22:57:00.001-07:00

I've been posting a lot lately. My thoughts are constant and I can't process or work through them fast enough to keep up with all the inner growth and awareness that's happening within me.

In case you didn't see my other post, something in me told me I should share my next bible/book study here on blogger. It's a long story as to the significance of this study, but you can read all about that if you really want to in the 'other post' link.

The original book that inspired me to do this bible study was from Vicki's blog, Windows to My Soul. Her post about the book, "The Embrace of The Father" was a timely post for me. She posted it during the time I was revisiting my grief a few weeks ago and, as I've stated before, I no longer believe in "random coincidences." I read that post and immediately went to purchase it. It was too coincidental when I stumbled across her post. However, between the time I ordered the book and now, something was telling me this book wasn't meant for me blog about in the intentional way I had planned. I still read the book and highly recommend it. It's got that "Chicken Soup for the Soul" feel to it, with many wonderful short stories and tidbits for your soul to chew on.

Anyway, my perspective on God and his relationship to me has shifted significantly in the last week while I waited for this book to arrive. I realized the bigger picture was that I needed to grasp the concept that the ultimate Father is God and I need to learn and understand this profound fact if I am to grow in my relationship with Him. I am His chosen daughter and I need to understand how significant that really is.

And so, my dear blog readers, knowing nothing about this author, nor having read any of her previous books, I "stumbled across" this at the Christian bookstore today. I think "my knower" knew this was it. This is the book I'm going with.

"In my Father's House", by Mary Kassian.

You can read more about this book here.

My plan is to read and reflect on one chapter once a week. I'll post my reflections on Sundays in case anyone wants to study or read along with me. :-) Reading will commence on Sunday, June 18 (Father's Day 2006 - how ironically appropriate! Could God's timing be more perfect??). The first post will be on Jun 25th.

See you then!

Cheers,
RM

Run #2

2006-06-17T20:44:00.001-07:00

My second week of training is going well.

My pace group is made up of 4 people:
- Irma (my co-worker)
- Joe (a very sharp and witty guy in his 60's)
- myself
- Steve (Who I missed meeting last week, who didn't show up this week, and whom I still have yet to meet!).

Another gal, Lisa (a 6th grade teacher who just quit her job and plans to travel after this run) joined us this week since the rest of her group didn't show.

The four of us ran 2 miles along the beach and through Golden Gate Park. Along the way we saw a group of bison in the park. Who knew they lived there! It was pretty cool.

My last run I ran at the Berkeley Marina and it was just a very different crowd and group of people. I really enjoy the commute to the city (Irma and I have been carpooling), and the scenery in San Francisco during this time of year is just awesome!

This time I'm training at a ratio of 3:1, and my per mile minute is 14. It's a bit slower than my previous training, but this time around I joined more as an encouragement for Irma to run rather than a personal challenge. She was really inspired by my running blog and my own personal experience that she wanted to join. She's a lot like me in that sometimes trepidation can get the better of her, and something in me said this is something I should do with her. Last time it was all new to me so I had no idea what to expect. This time I plan to just really enjoy the running and the experience this time. I think as I progress in the training I will start to focus on a time goal (maybe aim for 2:30 completion time?) to give me some sort of goal to focus on, since I already know I can finish it. :-D

And after the last two weeks, I also realized there's a deep joy I receive when I hear Irma gush about how much she's loving the training and how positive she's feeling after the runs. I'm one of a handful of alumni who are training again with this group, so being around all these first-timers is just so refreshing. There's such a sense of gratitude when I hear and see everyone just growing through their fears and really grasping their awesome ability to conquer any fears or personal demons that they have. It's a good feeling and I sense that this time around the training and relationships I build will be pretty significant in terms of the path my life will take. But, I am getting ahead of myself here. ;-)

More later!

A Brilliant Idea

2006-06-17T14:47:00.000-07:00

I had this brilliant idea the other day.

Ok, maybe not so brilliant, but I'm excited about it and "know in my knower" that this is something meant for a bigger purpose. Yeah, whatever that means. I just really believe in this idea and I feel it in my heart that some bigger good will come of this. I'm psyched to be using my blog to do this.

I'm going to start blogging about my personal bible studies. That's really the point of this post so if you don't want to be bored with my thought process behind the decision, you can stop reading here. :-P

-------------

I read all the time and enjoy all kinds of books. Put anything in print in front of me and I will read it, including labels and other random things. :-) I go in spurts when it comes to reading. If I really like a topic I'll read anything and everything about it for weeks. My recent interests were autobiographical stories, and now I'm starting a round of Christian-themed books. Yeah, that doesn't come as a surprise to some of you, I'm sure. LOL.

I first thought of writing a weekly entry about the current book I'm reading and where I'm at with it, but that seemed very journalistic. I didn't like the potential for that approach to just end up being just like a book review. I really would rather have this blog capture true thoughts, true feelings, true perspective of my life in it's current moment, and to capture the mental and emotional processing of my life as I am living it.

Then I thought about the fact that I enjoy bible study time with friends, but sometimes I either find myself not really wanting to do a particular study, or I just don't really want to share *all* of my personal thoughts and feelings with the group, or I just really find myself growing in ways that my home group is not fully nurturing at a particular period of time. I also find that I am often quite hesitant to write in depth about faith-matters because previous posts had a tendency to draw unappreciated comments/emails/IM's. But I figure hey, this is where I'm at in life and this blog is not about who I offend or how many faithful readers I can get.

I thought about starting another blog solely dedicated to the book study(ies), but in the end decided not to compartmentalize my blog life like that. I've done that for too long in too many ways and decided I'll just continue as is. My life is one continuous journey and one continuous story, and this book study will be reflected as such.

So, moving ahead with the blog bible study idea, my next question was, "what to study?" I had a couple of books in mind, and then today I went to the Christian bookstore to pick up a book I requested and decided to spend some time browsing.

Originally I thought about studying "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. I studied it a few years ago and it was during this reading that I came to accept Christ. My faith story started months before I got this book, but that's another post for another day. Perhaps soon I'll add that story to blogger. :-)

Then I thought, I'd love to study a couple of Christian-focused dating books, one that I've been wanting to read for a while now, the other that I still consult from time to time (:-P). And then I realized something.

Remember how recently I was revisiting the grief from my father's death? Something "clicked" one day. The past couple of months I've been experiencing God working in my life in ways that have me wanting nothing more than to seek Him as intimately and as personally as I have never before. Deep down somewhere I knew (know) that there was something still hindering me from surrendering fully to His Will and that was keeping me from trusting him more fully. I had been praying for weeks for him to search my heart and to bring up anything that needed to be dealt with so that I could move on and move forward towards Him. I realized that the randomness of revisiting my dad's death was not random at all.

That week of deep sorrow was the answer to my prayer. I never would have connected my dad's death to hindering my ability to live life fully, and I still don't get how my prayer, those circumstances, or what the message really is. I just know that the entire picture has led me to this point in time.

Regarding my dad's death, I don't have a huge distrust of men, I don't have an unhealthy understanding that death is just one part in the cycle of life, and I don't believe it's hindered my ability to relate to men. But perhaps, just perhaps, the Lord searched deep enough in the recesses of my heart to know that my soul has constantly been yearning for my dad over the years, whether or not it's been a constant and persistant knowing. And, in the bigger picture, perhaps the Lord was bringing up the grief to make me realize that the yearning for my dad was related to the ultimate lesson of all. That I was grieving the lack of relationship I had with the ultimate father of all: God the Father and creator of the universe.

Are you all still with me here?

Through other circumstances that are just too many to write here, I can see where He's leading me. The the current books I had been studying were all about learning how God speaks personally to me and fine-tuning my "hearing". Going forward, this bible study is not about finding my purpose in life (I think I already sort of 'get' that part), and it's not about approaching dating from a biblical perspective (I know what I want and I truly know God is still preparing me and my future mate for each other). It's all about my relationship with the Father. How coincidental that all of this is happening around Father's Day, huh? Hmmm...?? Kidding. Sort of... :-)

I'm going to prayerfully consider which of the books I've got that I want to study here, so stay tuned!

Love ya,
RM

Another Tear Shed...Waiting Faithfully

2006-06-17T14:44:00.000-07:00

I went to the Christian bookstore today. I browsed through a book and found the most wonderful chapter about waiting faithfully for your partner. I pretty much sat in the bookstore and cried when I read this. I am such a mush! :-P

So often I wonder if all the things I'm doing right now is developing me into the Proverbs 31 woman that God intended me to be. And, if I am becoming that woman, then I know so deeply that every tear, every heartache, every moment of trail and tribulation I have in the process of life will be worth it when God brings me to my partner.

This was from a book written by Leslie and Eric Ludy. The book I saw is not listed on their website. I can't even remember the name of it now, but you can check out their url here.

To download or to listen to the song, click here.

--------------------------------

Faithfully

Tonight I saw a shooting star
Made me wonder where you are
For years I have been dreaming of you
I wonder if you're thinking of me, too?
In this world of cheap romance
of love that only fades after the dance
they say that I'm a fool to wait for something more
how can I really love someone I've never seen before?
I have longed for true love every day that I have lived
And I know real love is all about learning how to give
I pray that God will bring you to me
I pray you'll find me
Waiting Faithfully

Faithfully, I am yours from now until forever
Faithfully, I will write, write you a love song with my life
'Cause this kind of love's worth waiting for
No matter how long it takes
I am yours, Faithfully.

Tonight I saw two lovers kiss,
Reminding me of my own lonliness
They say that I'm a fool to keep on prayin' for you
How can I give up pleasure for a dream that won't come true?
I will keep believing that God still has a plan
And though I cannot see you now- I know that He can.
Someday I will give you all of me
Until I find you, I'll be waiting faithfully

Faithfully, I am yours from now until forever
Faithfully, I will write, write you a love song with my life
'Cause this kind of love's worth waiting for
No matter how long it takes
I am yours, Faithfully
(Repeat)

Lazy

2006-06-15T20:18:00.000-07:00

Blogger is once again my friend. I go in spurts, don't I? Sometimes I blog about everything and nothing, and other times I am MIA. Looks like I'm back to blogging like crazy.

Another mundane and random post...

I worked from home today and had every intention of going to the gym this evening. I got as far as putting on my gym clothes, and then laziness took over. So here I am, blogging in my gym clothes. LOL. Does working out the fingers on the keyboard count? How about a mental workout? *sigh* Oh, well...I figure it's still early in my training that it's ok to slack a bit. This will be my last week that I will slack with the weekday maintenance runs. After this I'll seriously need to focus.

I was surfing around and found this funny video: Mentos and Coke. You'll want your speakers on when you view it. Enjoy! :-)

Who Do You Want To Become?

2006-06-15T15:05:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about one of my first posts on blogger:

"What Is This Thing Called 'Quarter Life Crisis'?"

The essential question I asked myself when I embarked on my blog journey was not "what do I want to do?". It was "Who do I want to become?". So much of my life was spent on trivial things, so many things weren't working for me, and I felt a sense of displacement, as if this life I was living wasn't really mine, that this couldn't possible be 'as good as it gets'. From the outside looking in, my life was great. Standing from my vantage point, however, there was still a lack, a sense that I wasn't all I was meant to be, that I somehow had deviated from the path I was really supposed to live. I had an out-of-body experience and suddenly wondered, "how did I get here?"

It's been 7 months since I started recording my thoughts and experiences in this blog, and it comes as no surprise that I find myself reflecting on my posts these past months. I think I was due for a time of reevaluation. I've been wondering if I got sidetracked from that original intent. Am I becoming the person I want to be? Have I changed much on the inside and do my external surroundings reflect that person?

I believe it's happening.

I sense my patience and understanding has become more abundant, and I find myself just really enjoying the "moments" in life that make life what it is - happy, sad, confusing, mundane, and just funny. There's an inner peace that's developing, there's an authenticity reflected in the relationships I'm focusing on, and there's a love for myself and for all things good in my life. Learning to operate from that inner essence of love is a constant effort that takes much awareness and many moments of trial and error.

And in the end I realize that anything that matters takes time to cultivate, takes the intentional commitment to cultivate it, and takes a deep and strong faith that all efforts stemming from love will result in the lessons and experiences that are perfect for you. This also means loving the circumstances even if they don't end up in positive ways, and all I can say is that I have a renewed level of gratitude for all of those unfortunate moments in my life, and a greater sense of love when I think back on the good times.

My circumstances haven't changed. Remember how I said I was hoping to change jobs? That didn't happen (although I'm still working on it!). You all know how I've been desiring a relationship. LOL! That certainly hasn't changed. You know how I've been struggling with loving myself. That's an ongoing effort. I could go on.

None of my circumstances have changed but my heart and perspective have, and that, my dear blog readers, is really all that matters in the end. :-)

Somewhere along the way I've slowly started to truly live out one of my favorite quotes which you all have seen me post again and again:

"...Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them and the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. "

- Rilke

Love ya,
Rambling Muse

Tired

2006-06-14T12:39:00.000-07:00

My mom sold her house in late May.

*sniffle*

I'm hesitant to write about it because I still don't know how I feel about it. The shock is starting to wear off a bit, but since I am not home these days, it still hasn't really sunk in.

I feel like an era has ended. It's one of the last things of my dad's that remains. By 'last things' I mean things that my father built from the ground up the old fashioned way - through hard work and savings.

We sold our family business a few years after he passed away. That was tough to accept since it was all we ever knew growing up. Over the years I wondered what had happened to it, but I could never find the courage to go see for myself. I suppose the pain of that time still ran too deep, and so I stuck with wondering because then at least my imagination could take over when the pain of reality was too much to bear.

Then, a few years ago my boyfriend at the time insisted on seeing it. Bless his heart, he was a wonderful guy! :-) I wasn't sure what to expect. Looking back now I can see that I was still guarded emotionally. I can see myself as an observer of the changes, but not really connecting with it at the time. I do remember thinking how shocked I was to know that such a tiny little store was enough to provide for our entire family of 5 kids and 2 adults, and then some. I ran into familiar faces, faces of regular customers who were still living in the neighborhood, and I heard of others who have since left and moved on. The surrounding area changed a great deal, with many new establishments moving in. I have a love-hate thing with progress and development. *sigh*

Years have passed since then and I went about living my life. A weird thing happens when you're not around things you lose on a daily basis. One day it's there, the next day it's not. And there's still nothing concrete to support that fact. If I was visiting my mom on a regular basis, then I'd at least see the changes happening over time, where letting go would be as easy as taking your next breath. Instead, it's just gone. *poof*. And my mind and soul have to acknowledge it.

My mom finally selling the house came as a surprise. She had been toying with the idea for months, but I didn't take her seriously since she has a tendency to hem and haw and then never actually following through. But one day she called me up and told me the news and I just had to sit down. My rational mind knew it was the right thing to do. She was rarely there and the upkeep was a lot for one person to handle. But my emotional side just wasn't prepared to let go.

This is the house I grew up in. The house I knew for most of my life. The house whose closet door I played tic-tac-toe on using red nailpolish. The house whose bathroom had a blue permanent marker streak on the wall when my sister went running out of there when she saw a bug. The house whose hallway we'd play wheelbarrow in. The house whose kitchen floor we'd slide across on with our socks on. The house whose living room had the piano that we all played and sang along with. I could go on.

I'm just sad. I don't want to grow up. I don't want to let go. I don't want to move on.

What is it with me and loss these days? Everything and anything that I've ever let go of, or have mourned in some way is coming back to me right now. Why? I'm just one big tear generator right now and I'm tired. My spirit is tired and weary. It aches and feels heavy.

*sigh*

- RM

You Just Have To Wonder

2006-06-13T01:44:00.000-07:00

When the world doesn’t make sense anymore, when the rules seem to be all turned around, there’s really not much you can do.

Everyone’s been there.

Despite how it feels, the sky’s not really falling.

Look around you. There are thousands of people who, despite how they look, they’ve had days just like you are having. Maybe they are having one at this very moment and like you, they just aren’t letting on.

Sometimes you just have to let go of what troubles you.
Sometimes you just have to open your arms to the air, give your heart to the wind.
Sometimes you just have to look up at the sky.
Sometimes it does your soul good to look up in wonder.

Go Out With Me!

2006-06-12T00:16:00.000-07:00

This ecard is too funny.

"How About A Date?"

Previous Thoughts

2006-06-10T22:07:00.000-07:00

I spent a lot of the weekend going through old journals. I was curious to read where my thoughts were and the kind of things that I recorded.

This exerpt from 2 years ago stood out to me.

----------------------------------

July 4, 2004

What's far more important is the person's essence, the feeling response you have to him, and how his energy affects you. So many things are susceptible to change: the way we dress, hobbies, goals, etc. You never know what someone's path has in store for them. What's far more important is how you feel in his presence, the quality of your connection.

We can't force readiness, it's something that happens organically without coercion.

The best gauge of whether or not you've met the partner you seek is to see who you become in their presence. Do you like yourself? Do you have interesting things to talk about? Do you bring out the best in each other? Is your creative energy full tilt?

----------------------------------

It's interesting, but I realized that this pretty much sums up my thoughts on finding a partner, even now, two years later. Every time I meet another frog, I remind myself that it will 'just happen' and that 'I will know it in my "knower" when I meet him.' That's not to say that it won't take work, or that putting yourself in situations to meet other singles doesn't take effort, but I have a sense that there would be that elusive liberation of knowing that who you are is understood, that in the spiritual, emotional, and mental ways there will be a great meeting of kindred souls. It may or may not be magical, it may be an instant connection, or it may even take months to develop, but the 'knowing' will be there. I'm sure of that.

I have yet to find that quality connection, that person whose presence opens me up to endless possibilities, but I am hopeful and much more content with where I'm headed. I'm making peace with all the not-so-lovely things about me, and I like where I am headed and I like the people and activities in my life.

Contentment is so elusive, but for the moment I can truly say that despite some recent turmoil and disappointments, I'm content with the lessons I am learning.

Cheers!

-RM

Inaugural Run

2006-06-10T13:05:00.000-07:00

I just got home from my first run for the next half marathon I'm running. I decided to run the Anaheim/Disneyland Half Marathon in September. A four month commitment this time around which leaves me plenty of free time to do as I wish around the holidays.

Overall today was a good run. I met up with the team in Golden Gate Park. We ran along the beach on highway 1 and it was just an awesome feeling to be out there again. The ocean was gorgeous, the salt air so crisp and fresh. :-) Did I mention I love water?? Ironically, I still don't enjoy running like a lot of people do, and I certainly don't think of myself as a runner yet, but when you're with other people and helping out a good cause, that selfish view seems insignificant compared to the bigger picture.

We had the option to run 1 or 2 miles and I opted for the 2 miles. What the heck, you know? LOL. I ended up in a pace group of 4 people. 2 guys and 2 gals. I met one guy today who was the friendliest thing in the world. :-) The other guy had left by the time I got situated with the sign up sheets and such, so I guess I'll see him next time! The other gal in my group is my co-worker. More on her in another post.

So here I go again...

Good-bye: crazy partying on Friday (as if I ever had a social life to begin with?? lol)

Hello: early bedtime and lots of rest

Good-bye: weekend 'me' time and social events

Hello: Saturdays dedicated to running

Good-bye: lazy weekdays

Hello: gym time

Good-bye: lattes, fast food, and all things bad for you

Hello: bananas, spinach, and carbs. Yeck.

Good-bye: caffeine, alcohol, and sugary juices

Hello: water, gatorade, and GU.

Anyway, wish me luck with the running. :-)

Cheers!

Feeling Better

2006-06-10T12:23:00.000-07:00

I feel much better now. :-)

A big thanks to all of you who are reading, emailing, im'ing and just "hearing" me as I was going through that last spell of saddness. I don't know where or why or when the grief will sneak up on me, but such is life and I'm glad to be able to embrace the experience of loss. It's an unusual thing to know that with each moment of anguish, turmoil, or challenge, it's not so much the event or the trigger, it's really all about your attitude and your perspective and having the patience and compassion to take care of yourself during the process, whatever the situation may be.

In a sort of 'outside looking in' type of way, I realized in the last few days that I've come a long way in the last year or so where my emotions and outlook on life are concerned. I love the fact that I can feel pain to the depth that I do. I love the fact that the anguish is a reminder of all that I am blessed with. And I love the fact that I can understand suffering to the extent that I can because of my experience with death. I just love the fact that I am an emotional person. Who knew I'd ever say that! It's who I am and there is only one 'me' in this world and I'd better be the best darn me there is! :-)

It's still difficult dealing with people who aren't used to my sensitive side, but I've learned that you just move on and when you find someone who can accept it, then those are the ones who you appreciate and whose relationship you protect with great care and ferocity. And yes, often times risk will end up surprising you.

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and feeling that vulnerability is scary, but putting on a facade and not allowing others in on your less than lovely areas is even scarier. I don't want to have my walls up anymore. I don't want to hide who I am anymore. I don't want anything to limit my joy or the possibilities my journey in life may take me.

Life is about sharing, life is about growth, life is about connection. As I have grown in so many ways these past couple of years. My soul began to open up and I've found the courage that opens myself up to risk and to endless possibilities.

And in the end, I realized that some of the best lessons in life really, truly are from my dad afterall. It's an irony of life right there. The self love and the life perspective I gained from his death has shown me more about love and relationships, and myself than I could have ever imagined.

Thanks, Dad. I truly miss you, I truly wish many things were different, I still wish you were here, I wonder many things often, but in the end it's a greater love and a greater lesson I am learning in your absence. I know you are here, I know you are living within me, and I know that in some inherent, intrinsic, Godly way, that you are still guiding me, still directing me, still showing me what life really is all about. And for that, I love you and I thank you.

Love ya.

A Letter to My Dad

2006-06-09T11:47:00.000-07:00

The tears are back.

*sigh*

My heart just feels so heavy.

I decided I can't do much except let myself go wherever the emotions and thoughts take me. Grief is such a lonely experience. It makes you realize how truly alone we are in this world, but it also truly makes you thankful for every blessing.

More later...

-----------------------------------

Dear Dad,

I've been thinking a lot about you lately. I miss you like crazy and wish you were here. I often wonder if you can hear me when I talk to you sometimes. When I ask myself what would you do or what would your advice be, I wonder if that nudging in my heart is from you.

I look back on some of the things I said and did over the years and I'm really sorry. There's a deep regret I have for some of my flippant behaviors and callous remarks. I know you understand now that you're in that all-knowing place, but I'd give anything just to hear you say 'It's ok'.

You were the strong, stoic type who loved us through provision and hard work. I know you loved me in your own way, but often I wished that you were more present, more emotionally available to me, more involved in my activities. I wonder what about me that you loved, or what about me that just makes you laugh or shake your head. Would you be proud of where I'm at? Happy with who I've become? Excited about the life ahead of me? I don't know these things and sadly, I never will.

Now that I've had some time to grow and experience life on my own as an adult, I realize how lonely and scary life must have been for you when you made your way out to America so many years ago. Mom told me once how you always wanted a big family because you left yours behind when you immigrated. She told me how lonely you were growing up here without them, and how one of your wishes was to have many children so that we would grow up taking care of one another.

I look at us now and I wonder if the relationships I have with everyone are the type that you had hoped for. Did your dream become a reality? Somewhere in my gut I feel like we've failed you. We're all close and get along, but now we've all gone our separate ways. The Sunday dinners are no more and taco nights haven't happened in ages. LOL - those were good times. :-) Man, I miss you!

And your immigration story. I can't imagine being as young as you were and making your way over here on your own. The reality of all the bits and pieces of stories I've heard over the years makes me realize how much depth there was to you, and how rich your life truly was. I'm sad to know that all of that history is gone and that who you are only remains in essence and not in facts and knowledge.

*sigh*

Every day you'd wake up and go to the store to work. Day in and day out without fail you'd put in long hours there. In all sorts of weather, every day of the week, whether or not you were ill. Were you ever bored with life? Were you content with the routine? Was it what you really wanted, or was it just the hand that you were dealt? I don't even know what your favorite color was. There are so many things about you that I just don't know about. I just want to know more about you and I'm angry and sad that I don't have any answers.

WHO WAS THIS PERSON I CALLED 'DAD'??

I love you.

I miss you.

I just wish you were here.

Yours,
"Be-Be Nui"

Song Lyrics

2006-06-08T15:15:00.000-07:00

I'm still sad but not as emotional today. I think I'm just exhausted from all the crying. I made it to work and doing ok. :-)

This song always makes me think of my dad.

*sigh*

I just really miss him.

-----------------------------

Father's Eyes
By Amy Grant

I may not be every mother's dream for her little girl,
And my face may not grace the mind of everyone in the world.
But that's all right, as long as I can have one wish I pray:
When people look inside my life, I want to hear them say,
She's got her father's eyes,
Her father's eyes;
Eyes that find the good in things,
When good is not around;
Eyes that find the source of help,
When help just can't be found;
Eyes full of compassion,
Seeing every pain;
Knowing what you're going through
And feeling it the same.
Just like my father's eyes,
My father's eyes,
My father's eyes,
Just like my father's eyes.
And on that day when we will pay for all the deeds we have done,
Good and bad they'll all be had to see by everyone.
And when you're called to stand and tell just what you saw in me,
More than anything I know, I want your words to be,
She had her father's eyes,
Her father's eyes;
Eyes that found the good in things,
When good was not around;
Eyes that found the source of help,
When help would not be found;
Eyes full of compassion,
Seeing every pain;
Knowing what you're going through,
And feeling it the same.
Just like my father's eyes,
My father's eyes,
My father's eyes,
Just like my father's eyes.
My father's eyes,
My father's eyes,
Just like my father's eyes.

Poof

2006-06-08T09:33:00.000-07:00

And just like that my grief went away...!

I woke up this morning and that heavy cloud was no longer there.

Go figure.

I hope I'm not speaking too soon here, but I just feel different today. I think my emotional spell is over for the time being.

I'll probably post more anyway, just to make sure no more tears are lurking about.

Stay tuned!

Angry

2006-06-07T23:09:00.000-07:00

I tried.

I really tried.

I had every intention of going into the office after lunch, but I just couldn't do it. If you all will recall from my "101 Things About Me Post (see #51)." I do some of my best thinking in the shower or while brushing my teeth. As I was getting ready to go out, I started to think about my dad again. And in the middle of my bathroom routine, I wept. Out of the blue it hit me again and I just sat down and sobbed huge sobs.

My eyes are starting to hurt from wiping away all the tears from the last few days.

*sigh*

This time I was just angry.

Angry at HIM for leaving me like he did.

Angry at him for being the cause of so many moments of anguish over the years. Yeah, like it was his fault??

Angry that I was robbed of my childhood.

Angry that so much of his oral family history is gone.

Angry that he never talked about his childhood.

Angry that he never talked about his side of the family. I never knew his side of the family at all, and I don't even know anything about his parents.

Angry that his life experiences and wisdom and outlook will never be known to me.

Angry that my mom made life he**for him. Arranged marriages are complicated in that way. That's another post for another day. *sigh*.

Angry that this loss, this hole in my heart, this sadness in my spirit will never, ever go away.

Angry that grief is a such a lonely experience.

Angry that I'm such a sensitive, emotional person.

Angry that every little thing makes me cry (whether or not we're talking about my dad).

Angry that I'm forgetting all the details - his voice, his smile, his handwriting, his habits, his routine, his smell, even the way he'd say my name with that southern twang. He was from Mississippi, afterall.

Angry that no one in my family ever talks about him anymore.

Angry that when I ask my mom to share things about her life with my dad, that she won't do it.

Angry that my mom is so selfish and insensitive to my need to hear these things.

Angry that my mom has been so disrespectful to my dad's memory since he died.

Angry that I just want and need so desperately to hear him say 'I love you, I'm proud of you'.

Angry that there's an infinite amount of tears my body is producing.

Angry that my brothers and sisters don't talk about him.

Angry that as capable and independent and self-sufficient as I am, there's always going to be that little girl who just wants a hug from her daddy.

Angry that this time around the grief is lasting longer than usual, and the depth of the sorrow is more painful than usual.

Angry at myself for some of things I just didn't 'get' while he was sick.

Angry for being a horrible teen during that time.

Angry that I can't get any work done.

Angry that so many work-related things are piling up and being escalated because of my lack of motivation and I just want to tell everyone to f**k off.

Angry that I CAN'T tell everyone to f**k off.

Angry that so many people around me have their priorities out of whack.

Angry that I'm all alone and wish I had a man in my life to take care of me and support me through this (even though I know that's not a realistic expectation). I just want a soft place to fall, a shoulder to cry on, a loving embrace, someone who will love me and nurture me through this, someone to affirm how much my dad loved me and who will tell me that I'll be ok.

Angry that I even want a man in my life.

Angry that I miss him SO much.

Angry that I've not celebrated father's days in years. No picking out the perfect card, no planning a surprise brunch, no shopping for a cool gift.

Angry that so many acquaintances are inviting me to lunch and outings and get-togethers, and I just want to scream because I could care less about a house party or what's for lunch.

Angry that no one gets me.

Angry that what I want out of life seems so elusive.

Angry that just when I think the cloud of grief is lifting, another memory or thought blindsides me and I am back to uncontrollable sobs.

Angry that I'm the spitting image of him. Why did everyone else in my family end up looking like my mom??

Angry that everytime I meet someone new there's always that awkward moment when they ask what my parents do for a living.

Angry that even your comments on my blog are making me cry hysterically. You all know what I mean, 'tho. You guys are a blessing to me, thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it, really I do!

Angry that blogger was down this afternoon that I couldn't post this earlier.

Angry for being so angry.

Angry for loving him so much.

Man, do I miss him.

Man, this hurts.

I'd do anything to just have one more moment with him, for ME to tell HIM how much I love him and appreciated him, for me to hear his voice, to feel his embrace, to see his smile, to share a father-daughter moment, to just BE with him.

I'm just f'ing pissed and I want these feelings to go away.

Still Missing My Dad

2006-06-06T22:19:00.000-07:00

I wish I could say I am hormonal right now, but I'm really just sad. I'm missing my dad sooo much right lately. The harder I try to remember things, the more sad I become. I just don't remember things with the clarity I once did. It scares me to know that so much of the details are gone. And I keep wondering how and when that ever happened. It's like just one day, *poof*, and the memories disappeared.

My tears won't stop flowing! Thank goodness I can work from home because today I broke down multiple times just thinking about my dad, and it's not just a sad tear here or there. It's the kind of tears that come from the gut, from the deepest part of your heart that just makes even your soul tired of revisiting the wounded place. I'm crying as I post this and it just sucks. The grief, the loss, the anger, the regrets, the family memories, the images while he was sick and the night he died just keep playing over and over in my mind. Over the years I've had moments like this from time to time. It's a normal, healthy experience to go through this when you've experienced the loss of a loved one. It sucks, but it's not unhealthy or unusual. I'm used to it and I have befriended the grief over the years. It's become a part of me and my life, just like having a bad hair day or going to the dentist. That sounds so detached, but it's a sad reality of life.

Something about this go-round feels different, 'tho. My 'moment' feels much more significant, much more gut-wrenching. I don't want to go further into my adulthood without my dad's love and guidance. I don't want to continue having milestones without him present for them. I just don't want to keep forgetting. It's hurts to know that so much of him is lost, that much of who I am and who I am becoming is no longer because of him, if that makes any sense. Half of my life experiences don't include him, and it pains me to think that in a typical lifespan of, say 80 years, his time spent with me was/will be only a fraction of it.

A random thought just entered my mind. Having spent the last few days with my cousin and his family, I realized that I will never have the experience of having that adult relationship with my father that my cousin has. I mean, I already acknowledged this sad reality, but it's just SO real now, in this moment of grief. As I sat at dinner with my cousin's mom and dad, and his dad's parents, and his dad's sister and her husband, I thought about how I've been very close to this entire family over the years. I've seen his parents change over the years and I saw last night how my cousin's relationship with them is now one of mutual respect and less parental. He's making his way in the world and his parents are letting him go. I won't ever experience that with my father, I won't ever know if he's proud of the way my life is going. And don't get me started with my mom. I have a very difficult time staying hopeful that my relationship with her will ever become satisfactory at best. Our cultures and views just clash, and the language barrier is just one of the many challenges there.

I'm pissed. Life is just so unfair. I want my dad here, daggit!

Here are 10 things/milestones in my life that my dad has and/or will miss out on during my lifetime. It's just sad. Very, very sad.

1. He never saw me get my driver's license.

2. He didn't see me graduate from high school.

3. He didn't help me move into the dorm when I went off to college.

4. He didn't see me graduate from college.

5. He never helped me move into my first apartment.

6. He never saw his grandkids, will never know my own kids.

7. He won't be there to give me away at my wedding.

8. I'll never know if he likes my future husband, or whether or not they'd get along.

9. I'll never know what kind of grandfather he'd be like.

10. He didn't accompany me when I made my way out to California.

I'm really trying to embrace the emotions I'm feeling right now, but it's already been a few days now and I'm tired of it! I can't control the grief, all I can do is manage it. There's a life that still needs to be lived here, but I can't see sh** through the darn tears!

Thanks for listening.

-RM

I Miss My Dad

2006-06-06T04:04:00.000-07:00

Words can't describe what I'm feeling. I started to compose a father's day post and just remembering is too painful right now. I'm sobbing hysterically now. I'm just at a loss for words. Grief just sneaks up on you sometimes, doesn't it? It's weird. Some days I can talk about him and everything is fine. Other days or moments like now and a mere memory or thought just triggers a cascade of tears and sobs. It's been 15 years since he died and the pain and anguish is still as deep and strong as it was then. I miss him.

I wish he was here.

I'm sorry for SO many things.

My memories are fading.

I can't remember much about him.

Why so soon in my life?

I resent growing up so fast.

My poor mom.

The last year of his life, a blur.

The last moments of his life, etched in my memory.

I just want him here.

I can't stop crying. I can't stop regretting. I can't stop wondering what ifs. I can't stop replaying those last moments, the last months.

I love you, Dad. I wish you were here with me now.

A Letter to My Dad

2006-06-06T03:21:00.000-07:00

This Father's Day I've been a bit more pensive than previous ones. I'm at a crossroad in life and I've been finding myself reflecting on many significant relationships both past and present. This year has just been such a tremendous year of spiritual growth, so much so that I sometimes feel like this earthly body and brain cannot keep up with the way my soul has opened up.

Anyway...

It's been such a long time since my dad passed away. I was 16 years old when he died. It was an awful time for my family, and his death really separated me from my mom and family for a very long time. So much so that even now a lot of damaged relationships have been created and I am still in the process of trying to reconcile them. It's true what they say...that tragedy and hard time can either bring you closer to someone, or it can tear you apart. Unfortunately, the latter was my case.

When I was 13/14 years old, my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer. He had surgery to remove a section of his colon and he came out fine and without complications. Two years later the cancer came back. My father was never one to like doctors, so it's anybody's guess how long he was experiencing symptoms again before he finally gave in and made an appointment to see the doctor. I often wonder if he could have been healed had he been more proactive about his health.

Prior to the diagnosis of his relapse, earlier in the early on my 16th birthday we awoke to a phone call. My dad's cousin's wife called to tell us that his cousin and his cousin's daughter were found murdered. It's complicated, but basically they authorities concluded it was a robbery gone bad. This was a HUGE shock to the Asian community back then, so much so that this story was on the news for days and a lot of pressure from the Asian community was put on the authorities to solve this crime. I say 'back then' because when I was growing up the Asian community was small. Everyone pretty much knew everyone, but as I entered my 20's, a new wave of immigrants settled into the state to the point where now it's not as tight knit as it used to be.

Anyway, so what should have been my "Sweet 16" was forgotten and no one even remembered or acknowledged it. I just remember waking up and expecting good things, then getting a phone call and thinking, "How can this happen on MY birthday?!?" Even in the days and weeks following it, no one stopped to say they realized it had been overshadowed. It was my very first experience with death and no one in my family ever talked about it with me. I was terrified. Not about anything in particular, but just the fact that these were people I knew and who were a part of my life. The randomness of the murders, the details of that scenario, the fact that I just remembered the love that eminated from the daughter. She was a school teacher for many year and SO many of her former students came out to the funeral. I remember that my dad's cousin's daughter had horned-rimmed glasses, pink lipstick, and her southern accent. She was one of those people who was stuck in a fashion time warp, and as funny as it was, it was the thing that defined her, the thing that made her so unique and wonderful. The only real memory I have of her was this time we were at a restaurant and how once she knew how much I loved the spare ribs, she started handing everyone of them she could find to me. I must've been 10 at the time. It's weird, but the memory isn't just about the spare ribs. It was her presence and the way she made me feel so special. I just remember this goodness and sincerity about her. That elusive impression we make on another's spirit and heart...she left that on me. It's difficult to explain.

Later in the year my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer again. He tried chemo but the cancer spread so quickly. Before we knew it, it had spread to his liver. I can't tell you how quickly he went from normal functioning to someone so weak

When most teenagers should have been carefree and just doing the silly things they do, I was burdened with so many things going on at home. I grew up sooner than I should have, and as I look back on who I am now, I just feel like a huge part of my childhood was taken away from me.

No More Online Dating For Me

2006-05-31T11:06:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a much needed break for a while. I'm still dating, still meeting people, but will limit the online dates for a while.

Here are reasons and random experiences to support this decision, and a few gripes thrown in there for the men who are replying to my ad!

1. I ran into a gal pal who told me she decided to try out one of these personal sites. Turns out she has been casually dating some guy that I had also met through that site about a year ago. Said dude and I didn't really click, but we've remained friendly. When my gal pal started to describe this new guy she just met, her description started to sound way too familiar. Much to my chagrin, it turned out to be the person I thought it was. This entire scenario is just too weird.

2. More on #1. The online dating community is super small. Every site you go to has the same core members. I guess once you've tried one site, then you just go ahead and try the others. It's just like high school all over again.

3. I'm tired of men who are super interested initially, and then after 2 or 3 email exchanges flake out. And for the life of me I can't figure out why the sudden disinterest. Nothing significant was ever exchanged in those emails/phone calls/IM's. Don't waste my time, people!

4. I'm tired of men who don't even read a profile and pursue mainly because they like a photo. Ok, it's flattering when they say I'm pretty, but I'm looking for someone who is interested in ME, and who can carry a conversation without resorting to flattery.

5. I'm tired of OLD men sending me emails. Sick. Just sick.

6. I'm sorry if you suddenly realized that you want kids. Why didn't you get a grip on that reality in your younger years? Isn't that a reflection of your own oversight and outlook on life? Are you seriously mid-lifeing and realizing that you are getting older and have nothing to show for it?

7. Excuse me, but isn't it just wrong that you are pursuing women (mainly) because they are of child-bearing age? Whatever happened to compatibility, companionship, genuine connection?

8. Another EXCUSE ME, but I'm young enough to be your daughter or niece (if you had one). One word: Eeeww!!!

9. I don't care how "active" of a lifestyle you have. There is no way I could get over the age difference/generation gap. Do you even know what GAP is??

10. I'm tired of the immature men my age. Ok, not all men my age are that immature, but there is a lot of truth to the fact that men mature later than women. Saying 'dude' in every other sentence and surviving on pizza and ramen should have been left behind in your mid 20's or thereabouts.

11. I cannot believe the number of men who claim they want a relationship but in reality define relationship as sex. Ok, I can believe this, but don't push for anything when clearly I've stated I wasn't interested. Uhh...NO MEANS NO.

12. I'm tired of all the foreigners who answer my ad. I am not a Green Card dispenser. I am not your ticket to citizenship, sorry.

13. When I've clearly told you I'm not interested, don't try to talk me out of it. As if your powers of persuasion will suddenly cause our views on life to sync up? Or your awesome list of reasons to date you will suddenly cause me to feel chemistry?

14. Just because we have good conversation and a lot in common does not mean relationship. Not everyone who gets along is meant to be romantically involved.

15. If you're not interested, just be honest. Don't go ahead and set up a coffee date and then stand me up.

16. READ THE DARN AD. I clearly stated I want to meet single men. This does not mean divorced, this does not mean with kids (from marriage or out of wedlock...sheesh...WTF kind of technicality are you trying to get away with??).

17. Don't send a novel introducing yourself to me. A pleasant paragraph or two will do.

18. Don't expect me to go out of my way to meet you. I am a woman and expect to be treated as such. This includes you making the effort to drive to my part of town for coffee or lunch.

19. Keep your expectations in check. It usually takes 2-5 dates before you can totally write someone off. How rude is it to blow me off because our first meeting seemed a bit awkward? What do you expect?? We may have chatted or emailed or spoken on the phone, but meeting in person for the first time really is like a blind date. Chill out and relax.

20. If you're more than 2 hours away from my selected region, then you had better be an awesome guy for me to take you seriously. Do you seriously think you can start a relationship with so much distance? It's hard enough to start one locally! And not only that, but it seems fishy if you are answering ads that are out of your state. Hmm...???

21. I went to a business mixer at a restaurant with some friends one evening. A random guy approached me and we got to talking. It turned out that he worked at a company with another friend of mine. I wasn't interested, but we exchanged business cards anyway. I figured you never know. I didn't hear from him and I forgot about the incident. Then a few months later he replied to my online ad. However, it was very obvious he was just sending out emails without reading ads or looking at pics. Yeesh...pay attention, people!

22. Men, don't copy-paste a generic introduction to all the women you are replying to. Pat replies are just SO obvious that you're into the numbers game. I wonder what the success rate is, anyway. Out of every 10 women you email, how many responses do you actually get?

23. If I hear another caucasian guy call me 'exotic' I will scream.

24. If I hear another caucasian guy tell me how much he loves 'my' culture I will scream.

25. If I hear another caucasian guy tell me "ni hao" (chinese for 'how are you') I will scream. As if your one chinese phrase automatically gets you into my good graces, or you think it'll cause me to do a double take because you really are chinese, despite your round, blue eyes. WTF???

26. If I hear another caucasian guy tell me how much he loves stir fry and Buddhism, I will scream.

27. If I hear another caucasian guy tell me how much he loved traveling in Asia I will scream.

28. Don't call me sweetheart after our first phone call.

29. Christian and belief in Jesus Christ is not the same as agnostic, "spiritual", or believing in a "higher power". God is God and not some life force or positive entity.

30. In the first phone conversation we have, don't tell me your dad is gay, that the reason you got a nipple ring was because you were crazy drunk one day with friends (about 3 years ago, which would then make you a very, very mature 34 year old...NOT), and that you are currently in therapy because you have problems committing. Oh, and I should mention this dude is a middle school teacher. Umm...talk about a dual life. And my future children are in your hands? Ai yi yi!!

Ok...I could go on, but I think this you all get the point. LOL!

Cheers!

Wild Rain

2006-05-29T13:13:00.000-07:00

Wild Rain
Written by: Danny James© Copyrights Owned.

"These poetic and growth provoking lyrics suggest the need for letting go of the past as we move forward into the future. In an effort to express how the innocent dreams of youth are often replaced by the uncharted paths of struggle and loneliness we are reminded... that life is our teacher." ...Danny James

To view the video and listen to the music click here. Flash required and speakers.

(1/2 Chorus)
Dirt road, Wild Rain,
Lonely hearts, feel the pain.
In the river, swimming up stream,
Life is the teacher, for those who dream...

(1st Verse)
With strangers in your place, so far away,
You're finding it so hard, to find your way.
The silence cries, from out on the street,
You're missing what you love, the pains so deep...

(Chorus)
Dirt road, Wild Rain,
Lonely hearts, feel the pain.
In the river, swimming up stream,
Life is the teacher, for those who dream...
You're leaving everything, the only thing pretty,
Getting out, going big city.
You'll come back, from where you came from,
Everybody does from life... on the run...

(2nd Verse)
Left behind, is the only truth you know,
The emptiness inside, is loves crooked road.
The desert screams, "the cities full of selfish needs",
Then lightning strikes, the rain... is your memory...

(Chorus - Musical Breakdown)

(3rd Verse)
With strangers in your place, so far away,
You're finding it so hard, to find your way.
The silence cries, from out on the street,
You're missing what you love, the pains so deep...

(Chorus - Out)

Society of the Honor Guard

2006-05-28T15:39:00.000-07:00

Here's a different take on Memorial Day.

How many of you have wondered about the soldiers who guard the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier? Here are some interesting factoids...

How does the Guard rotation work? Is it an 8 hour shift?

Currently, the Tomb Guards work on a three Relief (team) rotation - 24 hours on, 24 hours off, 24 hours on, 24 hours off, 24 hours on, 96 hours off. However, over the years it has been different. The time off isn't exactly free time. It takes the average Sentinel 8 hours to prep his/her uniform for the next work day. Additionally, they have Physical Training, Tomb Guard training, and haircuts to complete before the next work day.

How many steps does the Guard take during his walk across the Tomb of the Unknowns and why?

21 steps. It alludes to the twenty-one gun salute, which is the highest honor given any military or foreign dignitary.

How long does the Sentinel hesitate after his about face to begin his return walk and does he carry his rifle on the same shoulder all the time, and if not, why not?

He does not execute an about face. He stops on the 21st step, then turns and faces the Tomb for 21 seconds. Then he turns to face back down the mat, changes his weapon to the outside shoulder, counts 21 seconds, then steps off for another 21 step walk down the mat. He faces the Tomb at each end of the 21 step walk for 21 seconds. The Sentinel then repeats this over and over until he is relieved at the Guard Change.

Why are his gloves wet?

His gloves are moistened to improve his grip on the rifle.

How often are the Guards changed?

The Guard is changed every thirty minutes during the summer (April 1 to Sep 30) and every hour during the winter (Oct 1 to Mar 31). During the hours the cemetery is closed, the guard is changed every 2 hours. The Tomb is guarded, and has been guarded, every minute of every day since 1937.

Is it true they must commit 2 years of life to guard the Tomb, live in a barracks under the tomb, and cannot drink any alcohol on or off duty for the rest of their lives?

No, this is a false rumor. The average tour at the Tomb is about a year. There is NO set time for service there. The Sentinels live either in a barracks on Ft. Myer (the Army post located adjacent to the cemetery) or off base if they like. They do have living quarters under the steps of the amphitheater where they stay during their 24 hour shifts, but when they are off, they are off. And if they are of legal age, they may drink anything they like, except while on duty.

Is it true they cannot swear in public for the rest of their lives?

Again, another false rumor.

Is it true after two years, the guard is given a wreath pin that is worn on their lapel signifying they served as Guard of the Tomb, that there are only 400 presently worn, and that the Guard must obey these rules for the rest of their lives or give up the wreath pin?

The Tomb Guard Identification Badge is awarded after the Sentinel passes a series of tests. The Badge is permanently awarded after a Sentinel has served 9 months as a Sentinel at the Tomb. Over 500 have been awarded since its creation in the late 1950's. And while the Badge can be revoked, the offense must be such that it discredits the Tomb. Revocation is at the Regimental Commander’s discretion. But you can drink a beer and even swear and still keep the Badge. The Badge is a full size award, worn on the right pocket of the uniform jacket, not a lapel pin.

Are the shoes specially made with very thick soles to keep the heat and cold from their feet?

The shoes are standard issue military dress shoes. They are built up so the sole and heel are equal in height. This allows the Sentinel to stand so that his back is straight and perpendicular to the ground. A side effect of this is that the Sentinel can "roll" on the outside of the build up as he walks down the mat. This allows him to move in a fluid fashion. If he does this correctly, his hat and bayonet will appear to not "bob" up and down with each step. It gives him a more formal and smooth look to his walk, rather than a "marching" appearance.

The soles have a steel tip on the toe and a "horseshoe" steel plate on the heel. This prevents wear on the sole and allows the Sentinel to move smoothly during his movements when he turns to face the Tomb and then back down the mat.

Then there is the "clicker". It is a shank of steel attached to the inside of the face of the heel build-up on each shoe. It allows the Sentinel to click his heels during certain movements. If a guard change is really hot, it is called a "smoker" because all the heel clicks fall together and sound like one click. In fact, the guard change is occasionally done in the "silent" mode (as a sign of devotion to the Unknowns"). No voice commands - every thing is done in relation to the heel clicks and on specific counts.

How many times will a Soldier be on duty during the shift?

Each Relief (team) has a rotation during the 24 hour work day. This rotation is dependent on the number of Soldier-Sentinels who are proficient enough to guard the Tomb. The standard is 3-4 qualified Sentinels, 1-2 Relief Commander/Assistant Relief Commander, and 1-2 Sentinels in training. Generally, the Sentinel will be on guard duty for a tour and have two tours off in between - then go out for another tour. However, in extreme cases, Sentinels have been known to go back-to-back for the entire 24 hour shift.

How do the Soldiers get to and from the quarters without being seen?

Most wear civilian clothes - although the short, tight haircuts tend to give us away.

There is a small green shack next to the Tomb. What is it for?

"The Box" is used primarily during wreath-laying ceremonies for the Sentinel to retreat to while flowers and Taps are being presented. There also is a phone with a direct line downstairs to the Tomb Guard Quarters - this is used in times of emergencies or just to notify the next shift of something.

Has anyone ever tried to get past the Tomb guards, or attempted to deface the Tomb?

Yes, that is the reason why we now guard the Tomb. Back in the early 1920's, we didn't have guards and the Tomb looked much different (see attached picture). People often came to the cemetery in those days for picnics during which time some would actually use the Tomb as a picnic area (probably because of the view). Soon after, 1925, they posted a civilian guard; in 1926, a military guard was posted during cemetery hours; and on July 1, 1937, this was expanded to the 24-hour watch. Since then, the ceremony has developed throughout the years to what we have today. Today, most of the challenges faced by the Sentinels are tourists who want to get a better picture or uncontrolled children (which generally is very frightening for the parent when the Soldier challenges the child).

What happened to the soldier that was in the Tomb from the Vietnam War?

The remains of the Vietnam Unknown Soldier were exhumed May 14, 1998. Based on mitochondrial DNA testing, DoD scientists identified the remains as those of Air Force 1st Lt. Michael Joseph Blassie, who was shot down near An Loc, Vietnam, in 1972. It has been decided that the crypt that contained the remains of the Vietnam Unknown will remain vacant.

What is it like to guard in bad weather?

The guards at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier (we call ourselves "Sentinels") are completely dedicated to their duty of guarding the Tomb. Because of that dedication, the weather does not bother them. In fact, they consider it an honor to stand their watch (we call it "walking the mat"), regardless of the weather. It gets cold, it gets hot - but the Sentinels never budge. And they never allow any feeling of cold or heat to be seen by anyone.

Do you guard in a blizzard or a bad thunderstorm?

YES, BUT the accomplishment of the mission and welfare of the Soldier is never put at risk. The Tomb Guards have contingencies that are ready to be executed IF the weather conditions EVER place the Soldiers at risk of injury or death – such as lightning, high winds, etc. This ensures that Sentinels can maintain the Tomb Guard responsibilities while ensuring soldier safety. It is the responsibility of the Chain of Command from the Sergeant of the Guard to the Regimental Commander to ensure mission accomplishment and soldier welfare at all times.

It was erroneously reported that during Hurricane Isabel, the Sentinels were ordered to abandon their posts for shelter and that they refused. No such order was ever given. All proper precautions were taken to ensure the safety of the Sentinels while accomplishing their mission. Risk assessments are constantly conducted by the Chain of Command during changing conditions to ensure that soldier welfare is maintained during mission accomplishment.

Do you guard all night long, even when the cemetery is closed?

The Tomb is guarded 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. In fact, there has been a Sentinel on duty in front of the Tomb every minute of every day since 1937. And the Sentinel does not change the way he guards the Tomb, even at night when there is no one around. The Sentinels do this because they feel that the Unknown Soldiers who are buried in the Tomb deserve the very best they have to give.

The Meme

2006-05-27T13:33:00.000-07:00

Tagged by Travelin' Texans.

I AM: A single gal in her early early '30s.

I WANT: Chocolate right now, but can't find any in this darn house.

I WISH: I could figure out my passion.

I HATE: People who lack common courtesy.

I MISS: My nieces and nephews.

I FEAR: Never finding a "real" passion for someone, something, a hobby.

I HEAR: Lawn mower noises in the background.

I WONDER: If I'll ever mind my life partner, or even if I'm meant to have one.

I REGRET: Things I said to my Dad before he died.

I AM NOT: As social as some friends think I am.

I DANCE: All the time, whether at home or at swing dance, ballroom, or salsa clubs.

I SING: All the time, especially in my car.

I CRY: At everything. In fact, I carry kleenex with me everywhere just for this reason.

I AM NOT ALWAYS: As organized as people might think.

I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: Baked goods. I love baking and just cooking in general.

I WRITE: All the time and save posts as drafts, but don't publish everything in blogger.

I CONFUSE: My mom sometimes when I talk about my job.

I NEED: Lots of affection, and I give lots of it too.

I SHOULD: Stop analyzing things so much.

I START: A lot of projects with full gusto, then really have to work at completing them.

I FINISH: My day with prayer.

I tag anyone cares to do it! :-)

Memorial Day "Thank You"

2006-05-27T06:06:00.000-07:00

Inscription on the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier:

HERE RESTS IN
HONORED GLORY
AN AMERICAN
SOLIDER
KNOWN BUT TO GOD

--------------------------------------

The days leading up to this Memorial Day weekend had me a bit bummed. Travel plans of mine didn't happen as I had hoped, so I was moping a bit. Then, as I watched the news and saw all the coverage about this being the 'official start of summer' and hearing all the statistics about all things travel-related for this holiday (gas prices, freeway traffic, etc.), it hit me.

This holiday is NOT about travel. It's about remembering those Americans who lost their lives protecting and defending this country that I live in.

In all my life I had never felt so ashamed about my attitude on this holiday as I did on this one. Don't get me wrong, I knew this holiday was all about honoring those who have died in serving our country, but that paled in comparison to the fact that I got a 3-day weekend, you know? I'm sorry for having this attitude. I really am.

This year - this moment - was 'different'. These past months I've had a renewed sense of gratitude about all the things in my life. I've been SO thankful for all that I've been privileged with in my life: good health, family, my job, friends, and so on.

And today. Today I had real gratitude for the freedom to live my life as I choose to, and for the endless opportunities given to me because of the soldiers (and their families) who sacrificed and gave their lives to defend this country. Because of these soldiers I can wake up each day and go wherever I want. I can do, say, and behave (within reason) whatever and however I want. I can profess my love for Jesus Christ one day, then decide to practice Buddhism the next. I can read whatever I want, even eat and drink whatever and wherever I want to.

Words can't describe the gratitude I am feeling for all of you soldiers, past and present, who answered the call on your life to honor the United States by serving in the military.

Thank you, and God bless you and your families. God bless America and all that she represents.

In Him,
Rambling Muse

Estelle (Peck) Ishigo (1899 -1990)

2006-05-27T05:00:00.001-07:00

Man. I am glued to PBS these days. Lots of great fodder for the brain and spirit...

I saw a wonderful documentary the other day called, Days of Waiting. It is a memoir of sorts about a woman named Estelle Ishigo and her days spent living in an internment camp during WWII. She was a caucasian woman, married to a Japanese man. This fact is actually an insignificant theme in the documentary, but it did play a pivotal role in the path that her life would take.

The interracial marriage back then, while it was "taboo" in those times to marry outside of your race, was pivotal because it took her life in in a totally different direction that led her to experience life interned in the camp. When WWII began, the Japanese Americans were told they were being sent to camps. She had the option to separate from her husband because she was "fortunate" to be caucasian. She chose to stay with her husband and that sent her life down this path that has culminated into a wonderful documentary that really touched me. What if she had chosen to separate from her husband when all the Japanese Americans were being sent away? Amazing how one seemingly obvious, or not-so-obvious choice sets things in motion for all of history.

Throughout her years spent in the camps, she sketched pictures and recorded her thoughts and experiences. Her story was beautifully told and I highly recommend catching it if you can. She wrote a book called, Lone Heart Mountain. You can be sure I'm picking up a copy to read!

"Untitled" (1943)
Estelle Ishigo

Her bio, as copied from the Japanese American National Museum website:

Estelle Peck (1899-1990) was born in Oakland, California and moved with her family to Los Angeles at the age of twelve. While studying at the Otis Art Institute she met Arthur Shigeru Ishigo, a San Francisco born Nisei. Anti-miscegenation laws at the time prohibited interracial couples from marrying, so in 1928 Peck and Ishigo took a trip across the border to Tijuana to be wed. Shunned by her family and other European Americans, the couple lived among the Japanese American community. With the outbreak of World War II, Ishigo chose to accompany her husband into the American concentration camps. In the Pomona detention center in California and in the Heart Mountain, Wyoming camp, she lived with other Japanese Americans. In Heart Mountain she worked as an illustrator for the War Relocation Authority reports division and was granted permission to draw and sketch throughout the camp. After the camp was closed, the couple moved to a trailer camp in Burbank, California where she continued to make her art. Estelle Ishigo's drawings of the incarceration were published as Lone Heart Mountain in 1972. In 1990, she was the subject of the Academy Award winning documentary, Days of Waiting. Drawings, sketches, watercolors and documents are included in this artist's collection.

For additonal biographical information, click here.

Story of Isaiah 65:24

2006-05-23T18:21:00.000-07:00

This beautiful story was written by a doctor who worked in South Africa

======

One night I had worked hard to help a mother in the labor ward; but in spite of all we could do, she died, leaving us with a tiny, premature baby and a crying two-year-old daughter. We would have difficulty keeping the baby alive, as we had no incubator (we had no electricity to run an incubator).

We also had no special feeding facilities.

Although we lived on the equator, nights were often chilly with treacherous drafts. One student midwife went for the box we had for such babies and the cotton wool that the baby would be wrapped in. Another went to stoke up the fire and fill a hot water bottle. She came back shortly in distress to tell me that in filling the bottle, it had burst (rubber perishes easily in tropical climates).

"And it is our last hot water bottle!" she exclaimed. As in the West, it is no good crying over spilled milk, so in Central Africa it might be considered no good crying over burst water bottles. They do not grow on trees, and there are no drugstores down forest pathways.

"All right," I said, "put the baby as near the fire as you safely can, and sleep between the baby and the door to keep it free from drafts Your job is to keep the baby warm."

The following noon, as I did most days, I went to have prayers with any of the orphanage children who chose to gather with me. I gave the youngsters various suggestions of things to pray about and told them about the tiny baby. I explained our problem about keeping the baby warm enough, mentioning the hot water bottle, and that the baby could so easily die if it got chills. I also told them of the two-year-old sister, crying because her mother had died

During prayer time, one ten-year-old girl, Ruth, prayed with the usual blunt conciseness of our African children. "Please, God" she prayed, "send us a hot water bottle today. It'll be no good tomorrow, God, as the baby will be dead, so please send it this afternoon." While I gasped inwardly at the audacity of the prayer, she added, "And while You are about it, would You please send a dolly for the little girl so she'll know You really love her?"

As often with children's prayers, I was put on the spot. Could I honestly say "Amen"? I just did not believe that God could do this. Oh, yes, I know that He can do everything; the Bible says so. But there are limits, aren't there? The only way God could answer this particular prayer would be by sending me a parcel from the homeland. I had been in Africa for almost four years at that time, and I had never, ever, received a parcel from home.

Anyway, if anyone did send me a parcel, who would put in a hot water bottle? I lived on the equator!

Halfway through the afternoon, while I was teaching in the nurses' training school, a message was sent that there was a car at my front door. By the time I reached home, the car had gone, but there on the verandah was a large 22-pound parcel. I felt tears pricking my eyes. I could not open the parcel alone, so I sent for the orphanage children. Together we pulled off the string, carefully undoing each knot. We folded the paper, taking care not to tear it unduly. Excitement was mounting. Some thirty or forty pairs of eyes were focused on the large cardboard box.

From the top, I lifted out brightly-colored, knitted jerseys. Eyes sparkled as I gave them out. Then there were the knitted bandages for the leprosy patients, and the children looked a little bored Then came a box of mixed raisins and sultanas - that would make a batch of buns for the weekend. Then, as I put my hand in again, I felt the...could it really be? I grasped it and pulled it out. Yes, a brand new, rubber hot water bottle. I cried.

I had not asked God to send it; I had not truly believed that He could. Ruth was in the front row of the children. She rushed forward, crying out, "If God has sent the bottle, He must have sent the dolly, too!" Rummaging down to the bottom of the box, she pulled out the small, beautifully-dressed dolly. Her eyes shone! She had never doubted! Looking up at me, she asked, "Can I go over with you and give this dolly to that little girl, so she'll know that Jesus really loves her?" Of course, I replied!

That parcel had been on the way for five whole months, packed up by my former Sunday school class, whose leader had heard and obeyed God's prompting to send a hot water bottle, even to the equator. And one of the girls had put in a dolly for an African child - five months before, in answer to the believing prayer of a ten-year-old to bring it "that afternoon."

"Before they call, I will answer." (Isaiah 65:24)

When you receive this, say the prayer. That's all you have to do. No strings attached. Just send it on to whomever you want - but do send it on.

Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. There is no cost, but a lot of rewards Let's continue praying for one another.

This awesome prayer takes less than a minute.

Heavenly Father, I ask you to bless my friends reading this. I ask You to minister to their spirit. Where there is pain, give them Your peace and mercy. Where there is self-doubting, release a renewed confidence to work through them. Where there is tiredness or exhaustion, I ask You to give them understanding, guidance, and strength. Where there is fear, reveal Your love and release to them Your courage. Bless their finances, give them greater vision, and raise up leaders and friends to support and encourage them.

Give each of them discernment to recognize the evil forces around them and reveal to them the power they have in You to defeat it. I ask You to do these things in Jesus' name.

Amen.

This story was forwarded by a good friend.

A Big Post

2006-05-18T22:03:00.000-07:00

This post was written and added to a number of times over the last couple of months. I saved it as a draft because there was SO much I wanted to capture and I didn't want blog fodder to affect my experience. I also wasn't sure what to make of my experiences. As I started to truly experience God, I became very careful about who I shared my experiences with. And then one day my pastor said something that put into words what I was already doing. He said your environment affects your experience with God.

Now, anyone with a head on their shoulders would go, 'duh'. If someone doesn't encourage you or validate your feelings and thoughts, then yes, your experience could either be put in a negative or a positive light. But he went on to say for us folks who live in the civilized, western world, our own theology and intellect quenches what God can do.

If you talk to missionaries who go to third world countries or remote areas of the world, they are witnesses to people who clearly operate in a close relationship with God and they see miracles happen all the time because that is the 'norm' in those societies. It's because these societies aren't bombarded with rationalization or stuff (gadgets, business, etc.) that distract them from their true essence. And, even in Mark 6 (verses 1-6), even God could not perform miracles in his hometown because those around him lacked faith. As I experience more and more of God, I find this to be true. What I am experiencing is too 'real' to just be mind tricks or a secret wish manifesting itself in some way tangible way because I willed it to happen. As I fellowship with more mature Christians and share with those who are earnestly seeking him, I find my own faith growing more and more.

My rational mind is only now yielding to his higher ways and powers. We are all too smart for our own good. And trust me, I'm not one to accept things without challenging or questioning things. I'm constantly thinking, constantly testing, constantly taking things apart and finding errors in logic. God would not want me to trust him and to follow him unless I really wanted to, and the only way I can do so is through questioning and testing my faith. The more I do this, the more I find myself loving him and growing closer to him. Through all of my questions, I keep getting to the point where I can't help but know that he is God. He's real. He's present. He's waiting. Waiting for you, waiting for me, waiting for us to accept his invitation to join him in carrying out his grand plans.

I could go on. I can't get enough of Him. It's crazy!

More later....

---------------------------------

Weds, April 5, 2006

Ok, I'm not sure what to write or where to start with this. I'm going to archive this until I'm ready to post. Not sure if I will post, but I feel like I have to archive this somewhere.

So last Tues 3/28 or Weds 3/29, nothing particularly different was going on with my day. It was business as usual. On my way home something was telling me I should go to a church and just sit. I don't know why and I've never really done that before. But I stopped by this church on my way home. I've never been to this particular church before, and it's not even my denomination. Anyway, so I get to the church and I'm sitting in the chapel. I'm all...doo dee doo dee doo...just sitting. I'm all, "Ok, God...why am I here...Helloooo..." About 5 or 10 minutes later out of nowhere I start to cry. I don't even know why. I just had this undescribable feeling in my heart and it was just overwhelming. I didn't know what was going on. I just kept wondering what was happening to me. At one point I started dialogueing with God. I remember at one point just really feeling unworthy as a human person, just totally aware of my sinful nature. I remember just being in awe of everything He's done for me, an and just not believing all that He did for me. I just told him that I could just tell ... to my innermost core ... that where I am is not where he wants me to be, that I knew He was leading me elsewhere, but to where I wasn't sure. I asked him for clarity and direction. I knew He was working on me and I asked him to have his way in me, to use me for His purposes, and to just help me to trust him more. I didn't really understand this, but that was that. I was a bit bewildered by that experience, but I just sort of accepted it for what it was and just continued on with my evening. Weird, huh?

Then on Saturday, April 8 I go to church service. The sermon was about the three Marys' in the bible: Mary (mother of Jesus), Mary Magdalene, and Mary of Bethany. The preacher talked about being a Godly woman, and how God created from Adam's side, and thus, we were to walk alongside him, and not above or under him. We were to be his partner in life. The pastor also spoke about how men should honor the women in their lives, honor their partner and the role that Christ designed for them. The pastor also said something about how the Marys' in the bible followed Jesus and how in some instances when they did that, other people didn't understand it, or they weren't supported, and that sometimes you as a follower of Christ will have to endure the same things from the people you know.

So the sermon was great as always. Some key things stuck with, as I just stated above. After this sermon, for some reason I felt compelled to seek out a prayer counselor after the sermon. I've never done this, and I wasn't feeling particularly "different" in any way. But I was paired up with this woman, whom I know casually through other church situations. We sit down and I'm not really feeling or thinking much at this time. Not in a numb way, just in a ... I felt compelled to pray, but don't know why -type of way. So we sit down and she asks me what moved me about the sermon or what things struck me from it. I open my mouth to say, "I don't know," but instead, I began to cry! I don't know why. Up until that moment I just felt like I was going about a 'regular' day. I couldn't put into words what my heart was feeling, except that it really became an, "I don't know."

I told her that I really felt God was telling me to take a leap of faith, that my life was going to change in a big way. I was scared and anxious and uncertain about what all that meant and what it would entail. I mean, nothing major in a tangible way is going on in my life that would lead me to believe this, but I truly felt it in my heart. God is trying to lead me somewhere that I just *KNOW* is drastically different than what myself and those in my life would think would happen in my life. This ties into that part about the Marys' following Jesus despite popular opinion. I told her that I was resisting it for some reason, that I didn't know how to surrender to this "feeling", to really just answer his request that I trust Him more. I was scared. She asked me to pray and I told her I didn't know what to say. So she prayed for me instead and all I did was sob the entire time.

Ok, then on Monday, April 10 I head over to Stanford for this biblical counseling class I'm taking. The class is a lecture series that talks about serving others using scripture and such. I think the class was on hiatus (between quarters and I got the date wrong), or the class moved locations temporarily. Whichever the case at the time, I made it to campus but didn't find the class. So on my way home something told me I needed to worship. Something told me that if I wasn't going to this class that I had better use this time to worship anyway. So off to the mission at the Santa Clara campus I went. I don't know why.

I get to the church and I sit down. Again, the same thing happened as before. Doo dee doo dee doo....I'm all, "Ok, God...why am I here?" 5 or 10 minutes later and I start to cry again!! I didn't know what was going on, but my heart was overwhelmed again. After a few minutes of crying, I start dialogueing with God again. Why am I here? What are you trying to tell me? What do you want me to do? Please make it clear that it's you. Please make the steps you want me to take clear and obvious.

At one point this image came to mind: I saw Jesus sitting next to me, my head on his shoulder, he was embracing me, and for a while I felt that comfort, that solace in the embrace of someone that I knew truly 'got' me. So with that image and that comforting feeling, I poured out more of my heart to him. Telling him that I had certain desires, certain beliefs, certain wants and views on life and that if those weren't the things He wanted for me now, then to help me make peace with them so that I could truly live according to His Will. I asked him to direct my path, to grow me and help me through whatever 'this moment' in my life was all about.

So the dialogue ends, I've stopped crying, but something tells me to stay. To sit more. So I do. After a short while I start to cry again! But this time I'm giving thanks. Thanks and prayers for people in my life. I prayed for a lot of people. It was a long list. It just flowed.

So that was that on that evening earlier this week.

However, overlayed with all of these happens in the last few weeks, I kept coming across two particular scriptures, whether it was through conversations or through just random readings and writings.

1. Psalm 46

2. Psalm 139

It's been really weird. I don't know what to make of it all. I know on one hand I am limited in my human and secular self to really grasp all that God is all that He is doing in my life. But on the other hand, I sure wish he wasn't so cryptic in his 'nudgings', directions, and lessons in my life.

What to do, what to do??

*sigh*

April 18

Man, I wish I had continued writing the sequence of these things, but a lot has happened between 4/10 and today (4/18).

I happened to run into this acquaintance of mine one day. By acquaintance, I mean just that. It was just a new gal pal I spoke with once and had seen in social circles over the last month. The other day we finally had another 1:1 conversation. It started off innocently enough, just chatting about living in California, very light conversation. Then, out of no where she said she had been praying for me. I'm all, "ooook" and secretly thinking she's a kook. Of course I ask her why she's been doing that, and she goes on to tell me that God had shown her my heart a while back and that she and her friend (some guy I've never met) had been praying for me every day for about the last month. Interesting. I'm not sure what to think. She goes on to tell me about some of the things she has been praying for and I'm blown away by how she seemed to know the things that were going on in my heart lately. I left that conversation not quite sure what to make of it.

Oh...and I should mention...in that conversation she also mentioned to me that she was gifted in prayer, and that her friend who was also praying for me was gifted in intercessory prayer. Some things she said made sense, other things made me scratch my head and go, 'huh?'. She also said she's always been close to God and that he speaks through her often. Oook! Now I'm really thinking she's a bit weird.

Then later that evening I run into a good friend of mine, Jet. I mention to her the things that I have been experiencing lately and out of no where she goes, "What comes to mind is Psalm 139". I'm silently in shock since, as I mentioned earlier, this particular Psalm had been a recurring mention to me in the last weeks. I mean, of all the scriptures she mentions, she tells me this one comes to her mind!

So now I'm silently tripping in my mind, although just in a bewildered way and not necessarily in a scared way. And Jet knows nothing of my current circumstances or experiences.

So then, there's this book I had that I was thinking about asking her about. I wanted to know if she had heard of it, if she had done the bible study related to it, etc. But before I had a chance to ask, her next comment was, "Have you heard of Henry Blackaby? He wrote, "Experiencing God" I was shocked. This was the exact book I was going to ask her about. Jet mentioned a particular chapter that was useful to her when she was going through a similar experience. Some of you might be just thinking a lot of this is coincidence, but trust me. Of all the multitude of self-help, spiritual and/or christian books out there, she happens to mention the one that was on my mind. How could that not be trippy? AND, she mentions the one scripture of ALL the scriptures in the Bible to me??

Tangent here...the thing with this book is that a good friend of mine suggested this book to me about a year ago. During the time that I've had this book I've picked it up a few times over the month but it just didn't resonate with me, even though something about it kept drawing me to it. So then a week or so prior to my conversation with Jet I had pulled out the book and had been praying for God to show me how and where to go for guidance on all of this I had been experiencing. I mean, there's the obvious Bible, but I was looking for him to direct me to the right people to talk to, to the right books, urls, music, experiences, etc. to go to.

When Jet had shocked me by mentioning the Psalm scripture, the thought popped into my mind that this was a lady I should ask about the Blackaby book. WELL, as soon as that thought popped into my mind, she actually offered the book and a certain section of the book that was helpful to her before I had a chance to open my mouth about it! Words can't convey what a weird 'coincidence' this was. I just KNEW in this conversation that God was affirming his presence in my life and that I was right where I should and that I was doing all that I should be doing at this moment as perfectly as I should be doing it, if that makes any sense.

So, her mention of the bible verse and the mention of this book sort of put a calm inside of me, a sort of acceptance and knowing that all of these random crying spells weren't just some wacky fluke. Our conversation told me that I wasn't losing my mind at all. In a strange way it affirmed that all these random coincidences were really "God-Incidences", as one of my friends put it the other day.

Long story short, through the rest of that conversation it affirmed this moment in my life. That God was clearly trying to get my attention in some way. He's trying to tell me something, and I need to figure out how to respond. I knew He was calling me and that I should just be receptive to whatever He was trying to tell me.

Since that day a few days ago, I've had another chat with the first girl who was my acquaintance (the gal I mentioned earlier who said she had been praying for me). This time we had a deeper discussion about the way God works. We touch on spiritual warfare (a doozy that I won't go into here), and we talk about ways for me to respond and to deal with some fear and trepidation I am feeling about letting go and truly trusting God to have his way in me. Hopefully I'll learn how to better deal with all of this through scripture and to keep praying and reading the bible and just spending time with God.

I've also had another talk yesterday with Josh and a talk today with Eddie, two friends of mine whose faith and relationship with God I admire. Josh was also part of the whole Psalm 139 thing. Prior to a lot of this happening, he had written a song based on that bible verse and had given me a copy. I wish I could put an audio clip here! But that song was part of the initial chain of events back in March. I've also talked with Tonia, this other gal pal of mine. They all affirmed another scripture that had been on my heart and mind: Psalm 34:10, "Be still, and know that I am God." They've encouraged me to stay in prayer, continue to read scripture, and to just spend time with God.

And finally, today...I had another talk with Jet. I can't even begin to explain how odd the entire conversations have been. Through this discussion I think it's been clear what's been put on my heart. God is asking me to focus on Him and to grow with him right now. And in the back of my mind the notion that I need to stop dating, give up certain friends, limit my activities and social events, and to surrender to my job and to other aspects of my circumstances (let's just say the roomies aren't helping put out positive chi).

Jet was quite surprised because it meant that I was going to get serious about God. When she said that I suddenly freaked out a bit. This means that all the dating I've been doing recently (yeah, that's one major reason I haven't posted in a while) will cease, and the idea that I want a husband and family sooo deeply right now, really scares me because it would mean that I'm not taking human action to pursue that desire I have. It would really mean letting go of all things in that area of my life and totally trusting and seeking God for a while. It could mean he's not going to provide a husband and/or family for 1, 2, maybe 10 years or never! It's scary and I don't know if I'm ready to do that.

But another thing...so on Tuesday evenings (tonight 4/4), I am taking a class at my church called, "The Holy Spirit and His Gifts." I took this class last fall and didn't finish it for various reasons. But tonight, as I sat and listened to my pastor talk about these gifts, and as I listened to him share examples of these divine incidents, I realized that I was not in a place last year where I would have, nor could have, "gotten" the message. I was too skeptical and too cerebral last fall to fully embrace the teachings about the Holy Spirit and spiritual gifts with an open mind and heart. I was not as receptive then as I am now to these things. And as I sat in this lecture this evening, again, I felt a confirmation, an awareness, that His timing is better than my timing. That I was exactly where I was supposed to be at. My circumstances haven't changed, and oh, how I wish they were different, but there's also a peace, a knowing, that these circumstances, these people, these unexplainable experiences I've been having lately are definitely part of a bigger plan.

I don't know if I'm destined to change nations or impact the world in great ways, but I just know that he's transforming me, equipping me, preparing me for something else right now. I just need to stay faithful, stay in the word, stay obedient, and stay open to his leading and guidance. So, am I ready to give up the security I feel about my friends, my family, my home, give up the false sense of security I feel when I see my nice paycheck, when I'm being proactive about job hunting and dating, etc.? My heart wants to say, 'yes, Lord", but my brain and other emotions aren't quite caught up yet.

Stay tuned.

May 18

A very strange thought entered my mind tonight.

Given all of the crazy things I've been experiencing in the last month or so, I've only been able to capture a fraction of the weird coincidences, synchronicities, God-incidences, etc. I don't have enough time, nor can I type fast enough to capture all of what I'm thinking and feeling in this blog. Words really are SO pathetic when it comes to expressing this.

Oh! So that strange thought. Being so bewildered by all that's been happening in my life lately, during the last few weeks one of my prayer requests was for God to provide a clear sign that he was here, that he was present, that I needed something that would show me without a shadow of a doubt that he was working in my life. I can't help but wonder if my prayer helped to cause the great event at church on Sunday. I don't say that in a bragging or arrogant sort of way. But I'm just now wondering how powerful prayer really can be, and I'm also wondering how many of these similar earnest requests for him to show himself there have been. I mean....there must be a TON of people seriously seeking God and prayerfully talking to him if he chose to make his presence known this weekend. Dunno if that makes sense, but I sense God is really working in the bay area. I feel a sort of understated revival happening right now, and this from someone who is not active in church at the moment. I don't even hang out with church folks regularly so I am definitely not someone who is being 'fed' these things. I truly just feel like my relationship with God is growing leaps and bounds right now. I can't get enough of his word, his presence, his thoughts, his essence, his songs in me right now. If I didn't have 'real life' to deal with, I would love to take an extended leave just to study his word and be in his presence. Perhaps this will happen, I don't know.

Anyway, this is a lot and I could go on. For now, this is where I'll stop.

Love ya,
RM

WOW

2006-05-17T21:46:00.000-07:00

I am just in awe of God right now.

This last Saturday I went to church service as usual. Pastor Paul's sermon was entitled, "Take Heart, Daughter", in which he spoke of the verses Mark 5:21-34. It was to encourage women that God is nearby and will provide what they need, no matter what they are going through, and for men to learn better how to pray for and support the women in their life. I won't go into the sermon itself. It's just too complicated to convey in my blog.

But let me tell you the awesome experience this weekend. After the usual altar call on Saturday, he ask any woman who felt led by the Holy Spirit to step forward and he would pray a special blessing. Without hesitation I stepped forward. I've never actually done that before and something inside me just said 'do it'. To my surprise quite a few women stepped forward. I can't explain the deep knowing in my heart that God was ministering directly to me and directly to all these women. It's such an awesome and wonderful thing to know that the Lord is able to meet each of us in that unique place of need in our hearts. I'm just not able to wrap my weak human brain around that concept. It's just too amazing to rationalize!

You might think that I've been struggling with some things lately which would cause me to 'feel God', but that's not true at all. My life has been going well and I've not been terribly concerned about anything lately. I clearly just felt God telling me he was there for me, that he knows me, that he is working in and around me whether I took time to acknowledge him or not, and that he'd take me a lot further if I would just surrender more of myself to him. I'll elaborate on this in my next post.

I felt very moved at the end of Saturday's service. Something inside me told me to attend Sunday's service to hear the message again. My first thought was to attend 8:30AM and 11:00AM service, but I told myself that would be overkill. The same message 3xs that weekend? Yikes! I would later regret not listening to the Holy Spirit's prompting. I should have attended 8:30AM service as well!

This is what happened. My words are limited in conveying the experience I had. Words can't fully capture the awe I feel in my heart and in my spirit.

On Sunday I went to the 11AM service. As the celebration choir began to sing I was really moved. It was the same selection, same format as Saturday's service, but for some reason I really felt my spirit respond. And, it was very unlike me to do this since I tend to be conservative regarding how demonstrative in church I am with regards to expressing my faith, I stood up halfway through their singing and just felt myself surrounded by the Lord and his presence. Something in me knew I just had to revere the Lord and to sit down during this moment was just not appropriate. I've never done this before in church so it was definitely a first! As the song continued, others also began to stand up and you could just tell a lot of people were moved in one way or another.

So, in an unusual move by the Pastor, he said he could sense that the Holy Spirit was at work. He asked the celebration choir to sing that particular song again and for anyone who felt the Lord calling, to worship as they saw fit. And as the choir began to sing again, about half of the congregation stepped forward to pray and praise at the altar, many were doing so in their seats, and I just knew something spectacular was taking place. I can't fully convey it. I just knew I was observing something that the Lord was doing. It was part disbelief and awe that I saw HIM working so tangibly, and part gratitude for Him manifesting himself for me to see.

Pastor Paul just let the Holy Spirit move that day and ended up only having about 15 minutes to preach. It was a big contrast to Saturday where he did preach his entire sermon. Later on I found out that in the 8:30AM service the same thing had happened. People were moved left and right as the Holy Spirit entered the church. In the earlier service Pastor Paul invited people to share their testimonies and he never got a chance to preach any of his sermon in that service! I sure wish I heard those testimonies! Anytime someone comes to know the Lord is truly a miracle in and of itself.

I don't know where I'm going with this post, except that I wanted to capture the moment, but words are truly limiting. As I am seeking God more and more these days and spending more devotional time in His Word and in prayer, I really see the truths and his workings in my life and in those around me. It's surreal and just mind-blowing at the same time.

Stay tuned. Next post to share what's been happening in my life the last few weeks.

Hand Update

2006-05-17T20:27:00.000-07:00

Tuesday I had another doctor's appointment. I was SO glad to finally get the darn cast off of my hand. I hit my peak frustration around day 7 and was just tired of dealing with that thing.

My doctor says the hand seems to be healing well and you could certainly see that the swelling had gone down. In fact, that kind of explains why I thought the cast started to feel a bit loose towards the end of the last two weeks. It didn't occur to me that it was due to the swelling. I thought it was just because I had been trying so desperately to slip that cast off of my hand! LOL! Yes, the truth comes out!!

The doctor says the thumb looks like it's healing well, so he opted to put me into a removeable cast for another two weeks. See? The velcro strip on the back of the hand comes off and I just slip that thing off. Yay!

I still have to wear it as much as I can and then I get rechecked in another two weeks. I can tell
the thumb is still quite weak. It doesn't bend all the way down yet (think sign language, signing the letter 'b'), and if I put a little bit of pressure in the direction away from the hand on it, I can still feel some pain.

All in all, he never mentioned surgery and I never asked about it, so I think all is ok for now. :-)

Keep sending those healing thoughts!

-RM

Acronym Generator

2006-05-17T17:55:00.000-07:00

What? Did you actually think I'd use my real name?? :-P

Not sure about 'neglected', 'gloomy', or 'exhausting'...maybe in the good way?? LOL!!

But thank goodness I'm 'useful'. Ha ha...!

Cheers!

R	Rare
A	Accurate
M	Mysterious
B	Bubbly
L	Lovable
I	Ideal
N	Neglected
G	Gloomy

M	Mischievous
U	Useful
S	Sexy
E	Exhausting

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

It's Normal?

2006-05-16T12:15:00.000-07:00

Hmm...

I was surprised to hear that some of you have actually experienced laughing in your sleep! I seriously thought I was out of my mind, but I guess this is nothing unusual.

Whew!

Laughing In My Sleep

2006-05-15T12:45:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this is (was) weird. I am totally positive I was laughing during my sleep-dream state this early, early morning. I can't remember the dream or anything about it really. I don't know even f it was actually a humorous dream or not. All I remember was that sometime during the night I awoke into that fuzzy state where you are half asleep and the brain isn't exactly alert just yet. I know I had been dreaming, but the details escape me, and I'm pretty sure I awoke into the fuzzy state of mine while I was laughing! So I am half asleep, half awake, and just cracking up at something. I never actually awoke at all. In fact, I just remember laughing, rolling over, and then falling back asleep again. This was certainly a first for me. Is this normal???

For My Mom, On Mother's Day

2006-05-13T22:38:00.000-07:00

If I Knew As A Child

If I knew as a child what I know now, Mom,
I probably wouldn't have made things
so hard for you.
I would have understood
that you were looking out for my best interest
even though it may not have seemed so at the time.

I would have known how difficult it is to let go,
to stand back and let someone you love
learn from their mistakes.

I would have realized
how fortunate I was to have a mother
who was always there for me,
even after an argument,
even after I'd said things
I shouldn't have.

While it's not too late for a lot of things
it's not too late to tell you
that I appreciate how loving you are,
how giving you've always been
and that even though
I may not always be good at showing it,
I love you very much.

~By Renee Duvall~

For My Grandma (And Grandpa), On Mother's Day

2006-05-13T22:28:00.000-07:00

I love you "A-Who" and "A-Gong"

---------------------------

A Special Kind of Love

There's a special kind of love that grandchildren have for their grandparents.

It's filled with respect for their wisdom and accomplishments...

With gratitude for the values they have given us...

With delight in the stories of our family that they remember to share.

It's a special kind of love that's built on a lifetime of caring and giving.

It's the kind of love that's felt for you, today and always.

-Unknown

A Letter to Mom

2006-05-13T21:20:00.000-07:00

Don't read on if you're looking for an uplifting Mother's Day letter.

It ain't that kind of post.

-----------------------------

Hi Mom,

I love you. Do you know that?

I appreciate you. Do you know that too?

And, I wish we could be close. Did that ever occur to you?

I've always longed for that mother-daughter relationship that so many friends of mine had. The ones where they seemed more like friends than parent-child, where hours could be spent just talking and sharing. I've longed for so many years to hear more about our family history, to hear more about your own experiences growing up, both as a single and married woman, and I just wanted to know the wishes and dreams you had for both yourself and for me. I just want to know who the person I call 'mom' really is.

I wish I could tell you this, and I've tried so many times over the years, but our timing was never right. When you were parenting, I was rebelling. When I was ready to listen, you were going through your own struggles. When I spent time growing into adulthood, you became a grandmother and your focus was elsewhere. And now, as my life seems uncertain again, with so many changes and decisions looming in the horizon, I find myself just wanting you near. I long for the comfort and guidance that only a parent can give, but the ironic part is that you don't even know me. No one will ever love me or want the best for me like a parent can, but it is with mixed emotions when I draw on that love because after all these years we still don't speak the same love language.

I'm writing this to you from that place in my heart where no words could ever fully convey the depths of it's meaning. For years you and dad put in long hours at the store and all of this for what? To give us the life, the education, and the opportunities that you were never able to having while growing up. And for years I resented that. I never cared for all the things that you bought me. I never cared for the things I was able to to. After all was said and done at the end of the day, I just wanted you to be present, to be connected to me, to know that you understood and cared about all the things that were going on in my heart and in my mind.

Now as an adult I've come to see you in a different light. I see you as that bright-eyed and eager young woman who left life as she knew it in Asia to start a new adventure in America. An adventure that was full of hope and promise and all things wonderful and new. I see you as the loyal and faithful wife and mother, who put all of who she was at the time into giving her children and extended family all the opportunities she only wished she had as a child. I see you as strong and phenomenal woman who reinvented herself when she became widowed, who carried on with life when life just seemed too scary to live. And now, at this point in my life I see you as that strong woman who also has the heart of a wounded child, who has her own fears and issues to work through, and who also, in all likelihood, is having a moment like this, where you are feeling remorseful for so many poor decisions made from the wrong place in the heart, where you now understand that a lot will have to happen if things are to change between us.

I love you, Mom. I really do.

I'm sorry it's turned out this way. I really am. But I'm hopeful going forward. I'll try to meet you in the middle. I really will.

So on this Mother's Day I just want to say, "Thank You". I know you did (and are doing) the best you can.

-RM

Deja Vu Quote?

2006-05-12T18:53:00.000-07:00

Did someone blog this quote before? I'm pretty sure I've heard or read this quote somewhere before (or not), but when I came across it today I decided to post it.

-------------------------------------------

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our Light, not our Darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, beautiful, talented or fabulous?

Actually, who are you NOT to be?
You are a Child of God. Your playing small does not serve the Earth.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own our presence automatically liberates others.

- Nelson Mandela

I think I've Overdosed on Public Television

2006-05-11T13:14:00.000-07:00

I've been working from home a lot the last couple of weeks, so I've had the tv on in the background on occasion. I made the mistake of tuning into PBS during lunch one afternoon and since then I was just hooked. In a span of two weeks I've learned about and watched the following topics and shows:

- Texas Ranch House - reality TV series at it's best!
- Legend of Annie Oakley
- How gangs form in prisons
- History of Florida and the Florida everglades
- Physiological differences in men and women
- Global Dimming and Global Warming effects
- Issues surrounding farming in the state of California
- The all time greatest robberies ever (from stolen masterpieces and jewelry heists, to stolen bank notes and cash)

This is only a small list of the shows I watched, but as you can imagine there is a lot of information involved with each of these topics. There are social implications, historical facts and figures, scientific theories, evidence, and proofs, and just a lot to think about when it comes to the future of our children and society in general.

I rarely watch tv these days, but when you put a good documentary in front of me, I'm hooked. I couldn't get enough. I was so fascinated by all the information that I was almost moved to call in and donate money to their pledge drive!

Anyway, after about the gazillionth PBS show, I must have reached my saturation point because I started to crave episodes of South Park and Desperate Housewives. Go figure!

Try This...

2006-05-10T14:57:00.000-07:00

This is so funny!!

You will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!

1. While sitting in a chair, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand...Your foot will change direction!!!

I told you so...And there is nothing you can do about it. :-P

Steve Jobs Quote

2006-05-09T22:14:00.000-07:00

In a commencement speech at Stanford University last year, Steve Jobs, Founder and CEO of Apple Computers and Pixar Animation Studios said:

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others' opinion drown out your own inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

Want or Want Not?

2006-05-09T16:06:00.000-07:00

I've been reflecting a lot on relationships and marriage lately. I've come to realize that many young couples are too focused on planning the engagement and planning the wedding, and they aren't putting enough thought into planning the marriage.

I haven't posted much lately - just too much going on and I just didn't want blogging to distract me from just 'being', from just 'living' my life for a while. I've been meeting a lot of people through recent activities of mine, and have been casually dating. It's such a strange thing to know what you want. It certainly makes navigating the dating scene a whole lot easier.

Through all of these people I've been meeting, I've been getting to know a couple of guys. And then just within the last few weeks I've been communicating with someone from eharmony. I'll have to post more about him another time, but for now all I am saying is that I'm dating with a lot of trepidation, and I'm staying true to anything and everything the process is bringing up within me.

The most recent issue (and biggest concern right now) is rate of disclosure. I found myself pulling away from this person because they were so free with personal information. It's such an irony to know that the things that attract us to someone are the same things that repel us. I like that he's open and a good conversationalist, but then I also find myself thinking he talks too much. LOL. It's a neverending balancing act, and a never ending gut-check at any given moment. I'll probably call him again in a few days after I've had some time to digest it all, but our last conversation the other night was just information overload and quite unexpected pieces of information as well.

My mind is just dumping thoughts right now, so forgive the randomness of this post.

Another thought...attraction. I've never been one to really care about a person's looks or income or any of those superficial things. I've dated people in the past mainly because of how well our rapport was. And so I find myself seeking someone I can just talk to. Someone who has interesting things to say, someone who can carry a good conversation, who can just go from topic to topic and go from insightful to lighthearted without much effort. I've been sifting through a lot of guys lately who just haven't captured my interest in terms of their conversational style, and now I've found one who has my interest and who has expressed interest in me as well. But, there are some red flags, to be discussed later.

But, this is not my point here. Through this I am reminded of something I read a long time ago which was something like this: "when seeking a partner, what you are really seeking is the experience of you." I've been pondering this phrase and it's much more than just how good someone makes you feel when you're with them. It's also a sense of freedom and liberation to fully become who you were meant to be. I know the person I end up with will NOT make me happy, nor can they change me. But that intangible experience I am seeking is the partnership that allows me to feel safe, secure, and courageous enough to take on life with all of my flaws and fears. And, it's about love. Giving it freely, serving someone else's needs, and also learning to receive love. And sharing it. Sharing the experience of me, of life, of him, of everything that makes your soul and spirit come alive.

Along with this I began to think about identity in a relationship. I realized there is definitely a firm knowing of who I am. It's this assured knowing of myself that made me realize that somehow I need to work towards acceptance of meshing identities. And I wonder...is it a choice to let go of some aspects of singlessness and my identity for the sake of the relationship, or is it something that just naturally happens when you've met "the one"? There's a resistance I feel to move forward, some of it stemming from the red flags, and some of it just wondering if it's really what I want right now.

Did anyone watch today's episode of Oprah? Her topic was about the realities of marriage and some of the things people should consider before making that commitment. Two quotes stood out to me:

"I paid more attention to the rock on my hand than to readying my heart for the journey ahead."

"If I had it to do over again, I would have guarded the things that make me feel like me."

- Kristin Armstrong (ex wife of Lance Armstrong), on the reality of marriage and the loss of self in a marriage.

I've been wanting a relationship for a long time, and even though these dates are still in the early stages, I wonder if I really want it after all. I'm ok. Life is good. I enjoy my free time. I enjoy my friends. I enjoy my activities. I like knowing I don't have to check in and constantly consider someone else right now.

Life is funny. What I want, what it gives me, where it takes me, and how it unfolds is anybody's guess! The ride is a doozy and it's anybody's guess how this will end up!

More later!

Black Cast?!?

2006-05-02T22:44:00.000-07:00

Went in for the MRI last Friday. I can now understand why people put up such a fuss about it. It sucks. It truly does. And, this was only for my hand. I can only imagine what a pain it is if you're doing a body or head scan.

For basically 2 hours I couldn't move my hand AT ALL. Nothing. Midway through the procedure I got an itch on the hand! I couldn't do a thing about it! Then sitting still for 2 hours...that was difficult. Talk about mind over matter!

The machine basically makes this loud, constant pulsing noise. The room is freezing, although they give you a blanket and pillows to make you as comfortable as possible. But then they stream in classical music that is played either to relax you or to drown out the noise of the machine, but it was really just more annoying than anything else.

Today I went in for the results and basically came out of there with this cast. Turns out I tore the ligament, but the doctor says he thinks it's a small enough tear that I won't have to have surgery. So, I'm in this cast for two weeks. Hopefully it will heal ok. If not, then maybe another cast for another two weeks or surgery.

Hmmm...not sure what to think about the black color of the cast. I didn't have a choice about it. I think I annoyed the guy who put on the cast because I asked him if his full-time job was putting casts on people all day long. It's a sports specialist I go to, so I guess it was a dumb question, I don't know. He just made some comment about how he'd been in sports medicine for a long time, and how I made his job sound so glamourous. Yes, there was a lot of sarcasm in his remark. LOL. So yes, that's what he does all day long. :-P

And, I guess it's much more difficult casting small-framed people, since the casting material comes in one size, which is a rather large roll of fiber-glass material. He spent a lot of time trimming the material to fit my hand. Interesting, huh? Who knew how complicated casting could be.

I also asked him if there was an art form to casting. You know, like in computer programming. You can code a program in an "elegant" way, or you can just do a "hack job" to get the program to run. I wondered that about casting too. LOL. I guess there is a skill to it. Who knew! Quite fascinating, actually!

Anyway, showering tomorrow will be tricky. This cast is actually less cumbersome than the removeable one but it is, indeed, not removeable at all! *sigh*

Send healing thoughts my way.

Cheers,
RM

The Thumb Is A Very Important Appendage

2006-04-27T23:16:00.000-07:00

I fractured my hand. See?

These pictures were taken with my camera phone earlier today after I got back from the doctor. It looks much worse than it really is. Fortunately the cast/splint thingy he gave me is removeable, so I'm not completely immobilized.

How did I do it, you ask?

After weeks of rain, I was so excited that the spring weather was finally here. Wednesday evening I took my bike out for a ride after work. Needless to say, I had a nice fall. I turned too slowly/too sharply to cross the street and the next thing you know I've fallen and can't get up!

Some funny things happen when you've fallen and no one is around to hear it. I wanted to curse the heck out of the sting, but I realized it didn't matter whether I cried or sat there because no one was around to help or to care. It was one of those ironies of life, I guess. I equate it to the time my nephew fell down and hurt himself. None of us reacted to him when this happened. He looked around and realized he wasn't getting any response, so instead of crying he just got up and continued on. And that's exacty the same kind of moment I had too. I truly wished someone was around to help me out, and I really wished someone was around so that I could have cried and whimpered, but instead, I got up, picked up my bike and walked the rest of the way to my car. I was limping, bleeding, scratched up, banged up, and just tired. I don't think I've ever had such a bad fall like that from a bike ride.

I banged my knee and my shoulder and shin. I have some serious cuts on my knee and arm, and in the pic you can see my middle finger got scraped, too. But the worst part was whatever I did to my thumb.

I woke up today and it hurt! I couldn't squeeze toothpaste out of the tube, putting on clothes was a chore. It was challenging buttoning clothes, not to mention hooking the bra! I could barely turn a page in a book, open mail, and it's been awkward trying to open jars or even a door with my left hand. I could barely hold a spoon! Any sort of pressure on it hurt, although typing seems ok. All of my woes today made me realize how important the thumb is. It's been comical and yet so sad when I think about it. I have a whole new attitude towards little thumbkin for sure. This little piggy is not laughing all the way home. No way!

Anyway, the doctor took x-rays and you could see the tiny piece of bone that got chipped off. It was actually kind of cool. Now that they confirmed it's fractured, I guess they want to make sure none of the ligaments, tendons, etc. got torn or damaged, so I'm going in for an MRI tomorrow.

Let's hope it's ok!

In The Midst of Growth

2006-04-17T00:19:00.000-07:00

I'm going through a period of housecleaning right now. Not only am I simplifying the 'stuff' in the house, but I'm also taking stock of the friends in my life.

I got an email from a friend of mine today. The last couple of weeks I've been non-committal about some things and in our last exchange of emails a few days ago, he was wondering why I had been so 'flakey', although 'flakey' is certainly not what I have been. I've just been busy and the last thing I need right now is for someone to be nosy about my business rather supportive about it. Instead, he's pulling out all sorts of psychological mumbo jumbo such as me being passive-aggressive about talking to him about my 'stuff', and how he's not one to appreciate such behavior from me.

Argh...it's hard to put into words what has been going on in my life right now. A lot of it has been spiritual in nature, too crazy, too awesome to describe or to put into words. I know God is stirring things up in my life right now and I'm waiting patiently on Him. It's been difficult when the heart knows where it wants to be, where it should be, where it is clearly going, and yet, the journey to get there is on His timeline.

I've been wanting to cry more often than not lately, and actually have been shedding a fair amount of tears, but don't take that the wrong way. There's a saddness when you have to move on in some areas of your life, even in matters that aren't life-altering (or maybe they really are life-altering??).

I'm not letting go of a dream, or of something that was never really mine. I'm letting go of an old me, a me that is ceasing to exist, and the experience is both frightening and exciting. The Holy Spirit is at work in me. "I know it in my knower", as one of my pastors' just said the other day. I don't know where He's taking me, except that I see Him shifting my paradigm, shifting my circumstances, altering my life as I once knew it to be. He's moving me, directing me to "another life" that awaits for me.

I know the Lord is preparing me for greater things right now. It's overwhelming, unfathomable, and just too big for my poor human self to wrap my brain around.

More on this later.

-RM

Happy Easter!

2006-04-14T04:14:00.000-07:00

Blessings to all! :-)

May you take time to reflect and give thanks for all that is well in your life!

With love, gratitude, good cheer, and warm thoughts,
Rambling Muse

Making My Way To California

2006-04-12T19:53:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about the choices I've made in my life that brought me to this point in time. The one that stands out the most is my decision to come out to California. I've been thinking a lot lately about how I'm starting to feel like I don't belong here anymore. I don't know if I was just never a "NorCal girl" at heart, or whether maturity and age have made me desire something else. I don't know.

In the summer of 1998 I did an internship out here in SF with a biotech company. It was really a fluke as to how I got the position. I actually made the recruiter cry in the interview! LOL! My answer to one of her questions involved mentioning the death of my dad and I didn't expect her to react the way she did, but she certainly teared up and I was rather uncertain how that would play out in the end. Job or no job? Well, whatever her reason for it, I was offered the internship.

What was very strange was how perfect it all seemed. At the time of applying for the job, I had no idea where this particular city was (it's about 40 minutes south of SF). I had been to SF a few times, but vacation is obviously very different than living here. Anyway, when I was given the job offer, I called up my brother who was living out here at the time to gather more information. As it turned out, the city where this job was located was actually about 5 minutes away from his house, and his wife's office was actually 2 minutes away from this company. Divine coincidence? I don't know. It was just so perfect. I made arrangements to stay with my brother in the summer and I didn't need a car. I'd just carpool with one or the other and then figure out if I wanted or needed a car once I got here.

There was another "perfect" thing about the job. I had an affinity for biology and genetics ever since high school biology, intiated through events surrounding my dad's illness. I even began college with the intent of going into genetic engineering or going into the medical field. A research internship changed that view, as well as the reality of many, many more years of schooling. LOL. So the next best thing? Another job closely related to this field. It was just SO 'perfect' that I was able to secure a business internship with a biotech company that was closely tied to the mapping of the human genome. Could the planets have been more perfectly aligned?? LOL.

That summer was one of the best times I ever had. The project and people I was assigned to was so much fun and so dynamic. I was learning a lot. I became good friends with an engineering intern from a local school. To this day I'm still good friends with Chris. It's weird to know how far we've gotten in our careers and we often laugh about those days. We were really silly and naive back then.

And California. Oh my goodness! I had a blast that summer. I explored everything and anything about this city. I knew after that summer that this was it. It was just that gut forging ahead and never thinking about any other alternative or considering any setbacks.

When the internship was up in August and I headed back to school, I was offered a permanent job with the company in September. By October I signed up and then it was just a matter of me finishing up my last semester. I was SO proud of the fact that all I had to do was finish school while many of my peers were busy juggling the job search along with their classes.

When I first left home I was fresh out of college and eager to take on the world. I finished up my exams and within a couple of weeks the UHaul was packed up and I was making my way out to California. I didn't even consider taking a break of any sort. I was just eager and ready to make my mark in the world. LOL.

That was over 7 years ago.

Wide Open Spaces (lyrics below), by the Dixie Chicks was my 'theme' song at the time. To this day it still elicits feelings of unlimited possibilities, magnificent endeavors and an eager embracing of whatever comes my way.

Whatever happened to that bright-eyed and fearless girl?

More on this later.

---------------------------

Wide Open Spaces
Dixie Chicks

Who doesn't know what I'm talking about
Who's never left home, who's never struck out
To find a dream and a life of their own
A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone

Many precede and many will follow
A young girl's dream no longer hollow
It takes the shape of a place out west
But what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed

[Chorus:]
She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needs new faces
She knows the high stakes

She traveled this road as a child
Wide eyed and grinning, she never tired
But now she won't be coming back with the rest
If these are life's lessons, she'll take this test

[Repeat Chorus]

She knows the high stakes
As her folks drive away, her dad yells, "Check the oil!"
Mom stares out the window and says, "I'm leaving my girl"
She said, "It didn't seem like that long ago"
When she stood there and let her own folks know

[Repeat Chorus]

She knows the highest stakes
She knows the highest stakes
She knows the highest stakes
She knows the highest stakes

My Life By 5's

2006-04-03T15:57:00.000-07:00

Hmm....I guess a random bit of inspiration came to me this morning.

I thought I'd give you a glimpse of my life by 5's.

Enjoy! :-)

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When I was 5 years old...

... I dropped out of preschool. Yeah, I only lasted 4 days. It's a long story and I'd like to think I still turned out ok.

When I was 10 years old...

... Patrick and Keith used to tease me relentlessly. They still do, and they are still part of my fondest childhood memories. I still can't believe they are grown men with wives!

When I was 15 years old...

... I loved biology class so much that I decided to become a genetic engineer and help find the cure for cancer. Umm...let's not discuss the dream versus the reality, ok?

When I was 20 years old...

... I thought I was going to marry my college sweetheart, live in a two-story house in the suburbs, and stay at home with my 5 kids. LOL. What was I thinking about the college sweeheart??

When I was 25 years old...

... I remember thinking it was crazy that I was going to turn 25 in the year 2000. That's when I knew I'd be over the hill. Any chance I could go back in time? Please??? LOL!

When I was 30 years old...

... my relationship with God and my church family grew leaps and bounds, I ran my half marathon, I travelled to a state I had never been to before (Florida), I travelled to Italy and Germany, and I made one particular new friend (CB) who has helped me know that falling in love (again) at any age is possible, and that soulmates don't necessarily have to end up in marriage.

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Sitting here after writing up that list has made me realize that I am truly still young! It's made me realize that I've only just begun to live life and to 'get it' on all those ethereal and deeper levels.

I feel my heart opening up and wanting more.

A lot has been happening these past couple of weeks.

I'm still processing, still digesting, still figuring things out.

I'm learning to follow my heart more.

That's all I care to share for now.

More later!

-RM

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"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

- Proverbs 3: 5-6

Song Lyrics

2006-04-02T22:01:00.000-07:00

Heard this one the radio today. Selah's new release.

*sigh*

Still hoping for my prince and staying faithful to my journey.

It'll all be worth it when I find him, right? Right??

LOL!

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Bless the Broken Road

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Which Superhero Are You?

2006-03-15T23:37:00.000-08:00

More pre-sleep fun. I was hoping to be Wonder Woman or Supergirl...but The Flash??

Hmm...I bet you it was the thong question that skewed my results. Ha ha...

I guess the test didn't take into consideration my gender!

BTW...anyone know how I can fix the alignment?

Enjoy!

Your results:
You are The Flash

The Flash		85%
Supergirl		75%
Wonder Woman		70%
Green Lantern		70%
Superman		65%
Spider-Man		65%
Iron Man		65%
Robin		55%
Hulk		55%
Catwoman		55%
Batman		50%

Fast, athletic and flirtatious.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

Happy Birthday To Me!!

2006-03-09T03:29:00.000-08:00

Today's my birthday. :-)

Yay!

It's been a whirlwind week of birthday lunches, dinners, parties and other festivities. :-)

It is, indeed, a good one. :-)

This post is ALL ABOUT ME!! Ha ha!!

Enjoy!

101 Things About Me

1. When I was in kindergarten I had an 'enemy' named Chelsea Berkey (sp?). My sister and I made up a song about her called, "Chelsea Berkey Is A Turkey." One of the lines was something about how she eats beef jerkey. Ha ha... We moved between 1st grade and junior high and I was free from said enemy. Then due to our school districts, we ended up at the same junior high. When we ran into each other again, we both said, "I remember you. I used to hate you."

2. My first crush was in 1st grade on a guy name Steven Houston. I wonder what he's up to? (Steven, if you're out there, call me! ;-)

3. I love fresh cut strawberries with french vanilla ice cream, preferably Haagan Daaz.

4. I didn't learn how to ride a bike until I was 24 years old.

5. I didn't learn how to swim until I was 25 years old, even though the house I grew up in had a pool.

6. My right eye is slightly smaller and a bit more slanted than my left eye.

7. I LOVE The Apprentice, Trump version. Martha's version sucked. Hers doesn't even deserve a hyperlink!

8. I cry at everything.

9. When I was in college my friends and I snuck into U2's Zooropa concert. We actually didn't really sneak into the concert. We just walked straight through security, not really knowing what we were doing, but none of the security guards questioned us and by the time we realized what we got away with, we just kept on going! Ha ha! We eventually ended up in the front row!

10. I had my first boyfriend when I was 16. We met in biology class, due to alphabetical seating.

11. I twisted my right arm once. My brother tried to "spin me" by the arm and popped it right out of the socket.

12. When I was a kid I used to be part of a dance troupe that would perform cultural dances at all sorts of events around the state. Aboriginal dances, Mexican hat dances, Chinese fan dances, and so on.

13. My favorite color is any shade of blue. I've been liking shades of red, purple and green lately, but blue has always been my favorite.

14. I had a doll growing up I called, "Primrose". I used to feed her, dress her, and wrap her up in a blanket every day.

15. I accepted Christ at the age of 28.

16. I took 10+ years of piano lessons.

17. I took 6+ years of violin lessons.

18. I used to take my violin and play it like a guitar. This always made my mom angry.

19. I actually have 4 first names, plus my last name. How very British of me. Think "Prince Charles" aka "Charles Phillip Arthur George Mountbatten-Windsor", only female. Ha ha...

20. I took voice lessons when I was in college.

21. I resemble my dad, my siblings resemble my mom.

22. I LOVE to bake.

23. I rolled my car into a ditch on 2-hour the drive home from college once. I walked away with just a small bruise on my face. It truly was a miracle. I'll have to find the pic sometime and post it.

24. I have a 6 inch scar on my right thigh. Everyone always thinks I have scotch tape on my leg the first time they see it.

25. I LOVE thunder and lightning storms in Arizona. There's just something about rainstorms in the desert southwest that is so magical and romantic.

26. I had many pets growing up, but the first three dogs we had were named, Moochie, Brownie, and Bandit.

27. I LOVE Tom Hanks.

28. I was spelling bee runner up in 6th grade at my school.

29. I outlasted the spelling bee winner at the district level and placed 10th. Booya!

30. I lost at the district bee because I misspelled "gimmick". I knew it has two "m's". I was just nervous and spelled too quickly!

31. I look about 6 years younger than I really am.

32. I've got a good ear for accents and can mimic most of them I hear.

33. I'd love to drive cross-country someday.

34. I LOVE the convertible mini cooper.

35. I didn't learn to ski until I was 24 years old.

36. Every time my nephew makes his "monkey mouth" face, I just crack up.

37. I learned how to sail when I was 28 years old.

38. I'm totally in love with my nieces and nephews, but my nephew and I just have a special bond.

39. The first time I highlighted my hair red I thought I was the sexiest thing there was.

40. I volunteer at a suicide crisis prevention hotline.

41. I LOVE Taco Bell. No way is it "Taco Hell".

42. I can speak two dialects of Chinese, Spanish, and I try to speak English.

43. I took archery lessons from someone I worked with while I was in college. It's an awesome "sport".

44. I was once held at gunpoint by the police when I travelled to China.

45. I travelled to Europe once with a now ex-boyfriend. The best part of the trip was when he got sick and stayed in the hotel while my gal pal and I went off to see the countryside without him.

46. I work in high tech but not in a technical role.

47. I don't snore.

48. I LOVE board games: Pictionary, Scrabble, Boggle, Trivial Pursuit, Guesstures, Monopoly, just to name a few.

49. I've always dreamed of joining the Peace Corp with my (future) husband someday. *sigh* Someday.

50. I can roll my tongue like a hotdog bun.

51. I do my best 'thinking' while taking a shower and often have many 'Ah-Ha' moments while brushing my teeth.

52. I want to have at least 3 kids.

53. When I was a kid I brought a sand dollar to school for show-and-tell. I told my teacher she "could have it." When I told her that I meant she could have it to put on display with everyone else's stuff, but she thought I'd given it to her as a gift. I was too confused to ask for it back. I never saw that sand dollar again.

54. I didn't go to my 10-year high school reunion.

56. I have a tendency to win all sorts of raffles and drawings. I've actually won a lot of prizes this way. Unfortunately my luck hasn't worked with the lottery.

57. I'm a good candidate for lasik, but I'm still too chicken to mess with my eyes like that.

58. At one point in college I held 3 jobs, a full course load of classes (18 credits), and walked 30 minutes to and from campus everyday because I wrecked my car (refer to #23).

59. Although everyone loves Phantom of the Opera, I equally love The Scarlet Pimpernel. I don't know why TSP wasn't as well-received.

60. I've seen an actual autopsy on a human cadaver.

61. I used to be in a jump rope club and could perform all sorts of mean tricks, besides double dutch. :-P

62. I wear two rings. One on the middle finger of my left hand. The other on my ring finger on my right hand.

63. I wear heart-shaped gold earrings every day.

64. I used to wear an aquamarine solitaire pendant (March's birthstone) every day until my niece broke the necklace this past Christmas. As soon as my sis replaces the chain my wardrobe will once again be complete. :-)

65. One of my favorite teachers in high school was my Spanish teacher, Senora Norma Garcia. We kept in touch over the years but she passed away a few years ago to Croup. I miss her dearly and think of her often.

66. In first grade I had a teacher named Mrs. Kilkerry (sp?). I remember she used to wear a dress that had a pattern of Budweiser cans all over it, and I remember she docked me 2 "good behavior points" for kissing Bryce Patterson (sp?) on the playground at recess. It was totally PG. It was only a peck on the cheek!

67. I'm typing up this list on my Dell Inspiron 6000 laptop.

68. I'm listening to Yahoo Music's Christian Praise and Worship station while I type up this list.

69. This list is taking a lot longer than I thought to write up, but it's been fun as I recall and record these things.

70. I'm trying really hard not to repeat anything from my previously posted meme. I think I'm doing well so far.

71. Two of my favorite drinks are Dr. Pepper and Tapioca Milk Tea.

72. I played Candy Land for the first time last Christmas with my nephew. I never played it as a kid.

73. I LOVE a cozy bed and comforter and lots and lots of fluffy pillows.

74. I truly want to believe that 30's is the new 20's.

75. My first car was a 1991 Acura Integra. It didn't have a radio or power anything, but I really loved that thing.

76. When I first moved out to California the rent for my 1 bedroom apartment was $1150. I really don't know *what* I was thinking when I moved out here, but I survived. Whew!

77. I have 3 rogue hairs on my body that I pluck religiously: one on my chin (doesn't everyone have one there?), one on my belly, and one ... umm ... on my boob.

78. I have one white hair on the front of my scalp that I pluck religiously. *sigh*. I freaked out the first time I discovered it.

79. When I was a kid the bathroom was the only place I had time to myself whenever the house was full. I still get that "Calgon" feeling when I'm in there.

80. I LOVE a hot shower. I could take one forever.

81. I LOVE to read. Anything and everything.

82. The last book I read was "The Simple Faith of Mister Rogers", by Amy Hollingsworth. "I'm so glad you're reading my blog, neighbor!" :-)

83. Another great read IMHO is "Travels", by Michael Crichton. It's a loose account of his life and essentially his search for all the elusive answers we all look for: direction, vocation, travels, marriage, psychic powers and phenomena, etc.

84. Both my sisters married men whose first names started with "S." I sometimes wonder if my husband will also have a name that starts with "S."

85. I LOVE the night sky. I LOVE the moon. I LOVE the stars. But I really just LOVE the moon.

86. I'm a night owl and really more productive during this time of day.

87. I had to use up frequent flyer miles on an airline I rarely travel on, so I got magazines instead: Self, Time, Gourmet, All You, Family Circle, and Adventure Travel.

88. In 6th grade I played the lead Indian in a play about Thanksgiving. Part of the costume was a headband I wore around the forehead. At the time I had a perm and I ended up looking like a hippie instead of an Indian in my costume.

89. My first real date was to the Homecoming Dance my junior year of high school. (refer to #10).

90. I never danced at my Homecoming Dance. We only showed up for pictures then left to go see the movie, "Little Man Tate."

91. For my junior prom I wore an emerald green dress with gold sequins on the bodice. I had gold shoes and a matching gold purse. I felt like a princess. :-)

92. In college my gal pal and I were bored one 3-day weekend and decided on whim to drive to Vegas. We were given a Ford Aspire which we affectionately named "Pepe Le Peu Le Aspy". Don't ask how we came up with that.

93. On our 'whimsical' trip to Vegas we hustled an inn keeper. He made us a bet that we wouldn't find a cheaper hotel without having a reservation on a holiday weekend. We went to the youth hostel next door and then back to the inn keeper. We showed him our receipt and he paid up. My gal pal and I both made 10 bucks within our first hour in Vegas. Not bad for 2 silly college girls.

94. I still have my "baby blanket". It's a pink and white crocheted blanket that my childhood pastor's wife gave to my mom when I was born. I hope to pass it along to my daughter (or son) someday.

95. I use the alarm clock on my cell phone to wake me up these days instead of my clock radio. I'm not sure how I got into this new habit.

96. I can eat a whole jar of salsa without chips.

97. My favorite numbers are 4, 8, or 9 and sometimes 7 or 11, depending on the day, the stars, my mood, and the way the planets are aligned that day. ;-)

98. I still believe in the power of love and the magic of finding a soulmate, despite many disappointments lately.

99. I can't believe I'm almost done with this list. It's actually been a fun exercise to do.

100. I was so shy as a kid that people sometimes thought I didn't understand or speak english.

101. I'm actually looking forward to, and feeling excited about, this chapter in my life. I'm older, wiser, and much more thankful for every blessing in my life.

Happy birthday to me, indeed!

The Weekend - And More - In A Nutshell

2006-03-06T16:38:00.000-08:00

I haven't really been feeling like posting anything, but some of you have been wondering where I'm at, so here I am! :-)

The low down on the weekend...

I've been kind of moody. Some of it will be explained here, and some of it will be shared later this week.

Friday night I got stood up. Yeah. Daggit!! I was pissed. We were supposed to meet on Thursday, but the guy rescheduled for Friday. So Friday I show up at Starbucks and after waiting for an hour, I moved on. I acknowledged the disappointment and anger, and I met up with my dear cousin who let me just vent and b**ch about men and the sorry a**es I've had the misfortune of meeting lately.

On Sat I called up to to find out what happened because you never know, right? It was very obvious he was playing games with the entire thing. So that was that. Another frog kissed.

Saturday I hung out with MN. We were supposed to go skiing/snowboarding, but she woke up with a crick in her neck. She couldn't turn her neck at all. So she went to the doctor and got muscle relaxers. She slept a lot that day due to the drugs, but we had a nice lunch and got massages and facials. It was a good thing we didn't go up north. The conditions on the slopes were great, but I heard the drive was he**ish. It took 7 hours for one friend to drive back! Thank goodness I didn't get stuck up there.

Sunday was rather depressing. It rained all day, so I didn't do much. I was really missing my family and was wondering why the heck I ever moved to California in the first place. It was a thought that is part of a bigger issue right now, but not one that I care to post about yet. It was a long, lonely and sad evening last night. Thankfully I have friends who are supportive and stuck with me until 2, 3, 4AM when I finally didn't have anything left to say.

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Today is the start of 40 days of prayer and consecration with my church. During this time we have been asked to set aside quality time to pray, fast and/or limit an indulgence. I suppose this couldn't have come at a better time, as I am really struggling through some things right now. My heart is unsettled and I know this lesson is all about letting go and moving on and truly letting God have his way in my life. I'm really resisting it for some reason. I haven't pinpointed the exact root of it, but I do know it's tied to fear. Aren't all of our trepidations and apprehensions ultimately tied to fear in some way?

I'm at a strange point in my life. Life has never made more sense and there has never been more optimism, spiritual growth and gratitude happening within me, but it also coincides with an overwhelming feeling of uncertainty and resistance. I just needed to retreat for a while and figure out what's stirring inside of me.

I'll end this with random notes from this weekend's church service. It may not make sense to some of you, but the blog is all about capturing my own thoughts and moments, so if it seems cryptic, so be it. I sure wish you could have heard the sermon. The guest pastor was hilarious!

Judges 6: 11-16

- God calls inadequate people into incredible ministries

Judges 6:25-32

- Fear and faith can co-exist

- God calls fearful people to faithful ministries

Butterflies in the stomach: Why would I (God) take away those things that make you trust in me?

Judges 33-40

- God calls doubting people to daring ministries.

The darkest night of your soul will be the night you find your life.

Preached by Phil Tuttle of Normal, Illinois.

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So with that, I invite you to join in the 40 days of prayer and consecration. Send an encouraging and uplifting thought my way or spend a moment doing that for anyone in your circle of influence. The world will be a better place if we remember to do that each and every day.

Blessings,
Rambling Muse

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"Be still, and know that I am God"
-Psalm 46:10

In Search Of The Holy Grail (aka Unscented Deodorant)

2006-03-03T13:53:00.000-08:00

What is it with deodorant these days?

The last few times I went to Walmart/Target/KMart looking for deodorant, I could not find a simple stick of unscented deodorant in my beloved brand.

What gives?

There were a ton of scents to choose from:
Glacier Mist
Mystic Rain
Ocean Breeze
Powder Fresh
Peach Shimmer
Berry Sparkle
Luminous Lily
Tropical Radiance
Ambition
Genuine
Optimism

But no unscented!

Then there was the crazy variety of applicators to choose from:
roll-on
aerosol
wide solid
invisible solid
sparkle collection
platinum invisible collection
platinum soft solid
platinum clear gel

Just solid, please.

What the heck?

All I was looking for was my tried and true non-scented solid, but nooooo. There was everything but my coveted unscented.

I'm sorry, but remind me why I'd like to smell like Ocean Breeze again? Does wearing it actually make you feel like you're chasing waves and building sand castles? I beg to differ. It certainly doesn't make me feel like I've been out for an afternoon of sailing.

Or what about Glacier Mist? Wearing that certainly doesn't make me feel like I've been scaling glaciers in the Artic. And if I was somewhere climbing glaciers, deodorant would be the last of my concerns!

And Mystic Rain? What is that?? Do you ever sit in a business meeting and think, "Hey, wish I was in the Amazon being rained on right now"? Even if you did, I find it hard to believe that this deodorant is the next best thing to your fantasy!

And what's with Peach Shimmer and Berry Sparkle? Those sound like lipstick colors or eyeshadows. Does anyone really care if your armpits are looking like they've got a healthy, fruity glow about them? Weird!

And then there are scents called Ambition, Genuine, and Optimism. First of all, what the heck kind of scents are those?? Since when did Eastern philosophy merge with body odor? I never knew yin-yang/feng shui/dharma could be applied to your armpits? And can you actually boost your A, G, O levels through it's use, or have it change your fate, as if miraculous osmosis occurs through the underarm area? If that's the case then I'll be the first to buy scents like Lotto Winner and Supermodel.

Ai yi yi.

I have no idea what these marketing guys are thinking.

I just want ONE #$%! stick of UNSCENTED deodorant!

Is that too much to ask??

--------------

FYI...

Each time I do happen to find my brand, think Elaine from Seinfeld and her coveted sponges. I pretty much buy and hoard all that is in stock. It's usually never more than 2 or 3 sticks total in the entire deodorant section! Who knew that the 'search for the Holy Grail' is really all about unscented deodorant?

Now you know.

My Soul Wants Answers

2006-03-02T22:56:00.000-08:00

I'm in a weird state of mind right now, hence all of those random posts this evening. This one's feeling a bit random, too.

Bear with me...

Is it possible to be 'in love' with someone you hardly know?

Is there really someone for everyone?

What am I not getting? What am I not understanding?

When will life start to make sense?

I love where I'm at in life, which is really saying a lot considering where I was a couple of years ago, but why do I still feel this constant lack?

Why can't I make peace with my inner desires?

I don't believe it.

I want to believe it.

Can I believe it?

Who are you? Show me who you are.

Who am I? Who am I really? Give me the chance to sing for you.

Why aren't I finding the answers?

Are there really any answers?

Is this the answer?

Is this a trick question?

Is it even a question?

Help me out here.

Give me a break. Cut me some slack.

Show me the way.

Is there any way?

I'm getting there.

I think I'm getting there.

Am I there?

Is it there?

Do you love me?

Is this all an illusion?

Delusions of grandeur?

Is this unrequited? Or does it just need more time?

I love you. Why does that freak you out?

Love does not mean we're destined to be together.

This is what I want. But it's all wrong.

Darn the logic.

My soul wants to sing. It's afraid.

The brain. The logic. They stifle me. They are roadblocks.

How do I quiet the mind?

How do I pursue? Should I pursue?

Where do I go?

How do I go?

Take me with you.

Embrace me.

And never let me go.

Dunno...

2006-03-02T20:57:00.000-08:00

This evening I stopped to pick up Chinese food on the way home from the gym.

As I was waiting for my order, a family of 3 adults and 1 child (about 6 years old) came into the restaurant to order take-out too. They sat down in the waiting area with me, never really saying much to each other. After a few minutes of silence, they each took out a cell phone and one by one called up someone. Even the kid pulled out a cell phone but he used it to play one of the games loaded on it.

It might have just been a one-time odd occurrence for that family, but it was interesting to observe. They just seemed so uncomfortable doing nothing for a few minutes. It was weird.

Have we gotten so out of touch with each other that we can't just sit and be together, whether that place is at home or in a restaurant?

I'm a bit unsettled by it for some reason.

Dunno...

2006-03-02T00:25:00.000-08:00

Final Words...
THANK YOU!!!

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Fundraising Goal: $3,000
Total Raised To Date: $2,800
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* Donations will still be accepted through end of February 2006*
Thank you for all of your generous donations and wonderful support!
I could not have done it without you!
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Half Marathon Results
Gun time: 2:57:41
Chip time: 2:53:07
Overall: 4540/7768
Sex: 2085/2686
Division/Age Bracket: 362/440
10K: 1:18:56
Final: 2:53:07
Pace: 13:12
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Thurs, Feb 2
My Run - The Play By Play...
I dunno where to start or what to share...there's so much...It was an awesome experience...just awesome!Run day I woke up around 3AM. Roomie and I got dressed and had breakfast. We made our way down to the lobby/shuttle buses around 4AM.I got one last pep talk with my coach who just told us to have fun and not to worry about anything. She said to listen to our bodies as we run and just get out there and do it. At this point I tell myself I can't do anything about anything anyway and all I can do is go run. So there's no point in worrying or fretting.The buses dropped us off at the starting point about an hour and a half early. A lot of that time was just spent walking around and catching up with everyone I hadn't seen the day before. It was great to run into the gals from my pace group and to see many other familiar faces. As other runners started to show up, I could feel the anxiety increasing. The place was swarming with people. I was just amazed at the sight!5:30AM I made my final bathroom stop before the run began. They had the American Airlines Arena open for the runners, so I checked it out. It's a really cool building.5:45AM I make my way down to the corral for the bib number I have. I'm right at the front of my running corral, but still quite a distance behind the rest of the pack of runners, and I can feel my heart racing. I look around but can't find the girls in my pace group. I figure at some point I'll see them during the run. I'm not sure what to expect. There's so much excitement and anxiety in the air.6AM the gun goes off. There are so many people that I shuffle along for some time. It seems like *forever* until I get to the actual starting line. But I get there, and as soon as my leg crosses the start line, I begin running.Within the first mile I think, crap. I gotta pee. This sucks. What am I gonna do?? Already there are men who are peeing in the bushes. I curse being a woman. I curse my bladder. But I tell myself I'll be 'sweating it out'. No biggie. It's not so bad.The first mile or so it takes everything in me to stick to my training method of alternating between 2 minutes running: 2 minutes walking. There are so many people passing me by and I've got tons of energy, but I remind myself that I'll be glad I stuck to this method when mile 10+ come along. I'm focusing on endurance - not time. But still...a part of me is freaking out as I see all these people pass me up. I'm thinking I'll be last to cross the finish line for sure.I see the first set of port-a-potties but there are long lines. Daggit. Do I wait in line too? Or risk it and keep going? I have no idea when the next set will be around. Screw it, I tell myself. I'm not gonna stop now.I keep going and soon there's a water stop. No gatorade. Sucky. I grab water and keep on.I keep running and haven't seen any mile markers. How far along am I?? I have no idea. I hear someone in the crowd say they think it's mile 3, but I don't believe them. It doesn't seem like I've gone that far. So I keep running.The first causeway we pass (bridge) is awesome. It's still dark and the sun hasn't risen. The cruiseships are docked and all lit up. It's gorgeous on the dark water. I take a deep breath and still can't believe I'm in Miami doing this.A second set of port-a-potties...daggit...long lines again. I check in with my bladder. I would like to go, but the momentum is good. So I keep running.Somewhere along the way the sun rises. I don't remember when or where, except that it's getting brighter.I'm feeling kind of tired, but it still doesn't seem like I've gone that far. Just to be safe I decide to eat some GU. Gross stuff, but I figure it's better to eat GU while feeling so-so than feeling totally depleted and then waiting for it to kick in. Dunno if that strategy was right, but it's what I'm going with at this point.A 3rd set of port-a-potties. Lines are short. This looks like a much better place to stop. I'm strategic and go stand behind a line of men. They are SO much faster than women. Even faster than the shortest line of women. Good move on my part! I'm in the port-a-potty in no time! It feels weird to sit down for a few minutes. My head is throbbing. Uh-oh. What's going on? Dizzy? I shake it off. I'm ok. Doing good. I grab water at the stop and keep on going.Still no mile marker. Where the heck am I??I keep on going and there it is. A big orange 6! I've completed 5 miles!!! And the time is 00:54:xx!!! I can't believe it!! I've been running for nearly an hour! It doesn't feel like it at all! About 11 minute miles at this point. I'm in shock at how well I am doing, but also concerned that I'm pushing myself and will be too exhausted later in the run. So I slow down a bit even though I feel ok.I'm thinking 'wow'!! I can't believe I'm almost halfway done and it's amazing how good I'm feeling. Tired, yes, but still going strong. I'm thinking, 'not bad'. Doing good! :-)I turn a corner and uh-oh...what's this? A twitch in my left thigh. What's going on? I'm worried. This has never happened during training, and I definitely didn't expect any sores to happen this early. Maybe at mile 8, but mile 6? This can't be good. The only pains I ever got in training were my knees, but both of them are doing fine. What's going on?? Don't think about it, I tell myself. Don't focus on the pain.At this moment I hear everyone's advice and good wishes run through my head: W's 'whatever you do, don't stop'; B's 'good luck!!!!!!!!!!'; SM's 'go go go go'; and other voices from wonderful friends and family. :-)I keep on going. For the next 4 or 5 2:2 minute intervals I walk a bit more than run. I don't want to risk any major injuries and just to be here is enough. Who am I competing against anyway and why? I'm here just to do it. To complete it for myself. That's enough for me. Don't overstrain. I'm doing good.Pep talk to myself is over. Twitch seems to be gone. Ok. I'm doing ok. I keep going and resume my 2:2 run/walk ratio.A couple of more bridges. I walk the inclines to save my energy, so that slows my time down. I take a moment to look out over the water. Miami skyline is gorgeous! 'Take it all in', I tell myself. This is a moment in your life you won't forget. I look around some more. This area looks familiar...hey...MF and I drove around here. It's near my hotel. This is where we got lost looking for the grocery store. Wow. Cool. This IS far. I've run a lot! A fair distance! Wow.I keep on going. I'm starting to feel pretty tired. I grab GU again. Where the heck is the next mile marker? I have no idea where I'm at. I see my coach! She gives me a high five and tells me how great I'm doing. What a boost! Seeing familiar faces along the way does wonders to a person's mental state. Thanks, Coach C!! :-)Still no mile marker. Where the heck am I??I go through a neighborhood and soon I'm entering a toll bridge of some sort. And there it is!A big orange 10! I've completed 9 miles!! Time is 1:54!! About a 13 minute mile at this point. Wow. I can't believe I'm almost done!!Mile 10 begins with us running through a toll plaza. I chuckle. Sign says $1.00 for pedestrians. Am I gonna have to pay the toll? Ha ha...I keep on going. Feeling pretty tired. I'm walking more. At this point we're entering the slums of Miami. Even the homeless are cheering us on! That's cool! And amusing. :-) I wish I could go back and thank the man on the corner. He was awesome!The twitches. I feel it in my right calf. What's going on? Coach said maybe over hydration. Ok. Feeling thirsty, but won't drink for a bit. I remind myself to listen to my body, so I walk a bit more.Feeling ok again...but very tired. I grab GU again and gatorade at the next water stop. I see this older woman in front me. She seems to be struggling. Dunno why, but I ran up along side her and a said, 'You're doing good. Almost finished'. She gives me this huge smile. I ask if she's doing ok and if she's feeling any pains. She says she's ok and not hurting anywhere. That's good. I ask if she wants me to run with her for a while and she says yes. So I tell her we'll take it easy. I explain to her my 2:2 run ratio, and we keep on going.It turns out Ines is from Peru. She's 49 and also running her first half marathon. Her english is very limited and she has no family in Miami at all. She's got no one there to cheer her on. I told her none of my family was there either so we'll just have to help each other out. My 4 years of spanish were slowly coming back to me, and it was great to know we could communicate the basic way we did.We pass mile marker 12. Wow! 11 miles done! Only 2 more to go. There's no clock with this marker and I didn't dare look at my watch. I tell Ines *only* two more miles! We're almost done! Her demeanor changes. I can tell she can't believe it either.We continue on. We're both feeling tired. I feel more twitches. Yikes.The next 1.5 miles are a blur. Ines and I chat about our jobs. Our families. Our training. We talk about SF, Miami, and other things.With about 0.5 miles to go, we turn a corner and see the finish line. From that point on, the two of us just sprinted to the finish line.I can't believe I did it. I was so excited to finish that I didn't even look at the clock or know my time. Who cares! I finished! And I wasn't last! Ha ha...it's funny the kinds of things that go through your mind through all of this. :-)I wasn't expecting it, but once we crossed the finish line, Ines gives me the biggest hug and tells me, 'I love you'over and over. :-) I can tell she's overwhelmed and since her english is limited I know those are the only words she knows that can express her relief and gratitude for finishing the run. It's funny and touching at the same time. I know we're bonded for life :-)It was an amazing feeling to have that medal put around my neck, to walk through the finish area and to know that I did it.Yay me! :-)
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Sat, Jan 21
I had a moment in the gym on Friday. I went to workout as usual and then it hit me. It REALLY hit me. In one week I'll be in Miami, and in 9 days I'll be running the event! I was so in awe and disbelief of the entire experience and how far I've come since this entire process began. Everything I've sacrificed and the lifestyle changes I've made since commiting myself to this will culminate in this final event. How awesome is that?
This last week I confirmed my flight itinerary, confirmed the hotel accomodations, checked in with my friends in Florida, purchased the essentials for run day, and confirmed the time off with my work.
Tomorrow I am going to complete my 7 mile recovery run, and complete 2 maintenance runs at the gym (Tues and Weds). Thurs I fly out to Florida, and from there it's just some r&r and pre-race festivities. I am SOOO excited!!
And, I am extremely grateful for everyone's support and generosity during this entire experience. A lot of you have seen a lot of my struggles and my triumphs during this experience, and I certainly couldn't have done it without you all.
Next week I'm just going to relish in the moments leading up to the big day. :-) My next post will probably be after the event, so wish me luck!!
Thanks again.
Love ya!
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Sun, Jan15
I'm still on a high after Thursday's 14-mile run. :-) I was sore for a couple of days after it, but it was a great feeling! I still can't believe I've accomplished so much in such a short amount of time!
Today I missed the run at Berkeley due to a mishap with the alarm clock. Our long run this week is 8 miles. I have tomorrow off (MLK Day), so I can make it up then. I might run at Coyote Hills along the bay, or maybe the marina in San Leandro. I'm not sure yet. We'll see how I feel in the morning.
I can't believe Miami is less than 2 weeks away! I am still just in awe of everything so far. My itinerary is set and official. I've RSVP'd for the pre-run pasta party, and just yesterday I received my official runner's singlet (coolmax jersey with official SF Aids Marathon logo on it). This is way cool!! This week I'll be asking my manager for the time off, and then it's just a matter of keeping up with the maintenance runs until the big day!! Yay!!
Thanks for everyone's wonderful support. Donations are still coming in and I'm so, so, SO grateful for your help, emotional and financial support, and your generosity!
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Thurs, Jan 12
I did it!! 14 Miles! Yay!!!
I missed Sat's run in Golden Gate Park, so I made up the 14 miles on my own today. I took the morning off from work and went up to Sawyer Camp Trail up north on highway 280. Gotta love a flexible work environment!!
The first 10-11 miles was no problem, but then the aches started. The aches are expected since I tend to get those once I past mile 7 or 8. But then I started to get some 'twitches' in my calf muscles, which I've never experienced before. I took it very, very easy the last few miles and basically just power walked to the end. I might have pushed myself under normal circumstances if I was running with the team because we usually have doctors or coaches around to help diagnose the situation, but since I was running on my own, I opted to be very conservative. When I got back I talked to a few other people about it and it turns out that the sensations I was feeling was probably the onset of cramps. Yikes!
I sent an email to my coach about my run and what I experienced, so I hope they will give me some tips on how to prevent this or something worse from happening on the big day. I'd sure hate for something to happen and then not be able to finish it when I get to Miami.
I got my official itinerary in the mail yesterday, which made it all SO real!!
It's TWO weeks away!! Yay! I'm looking forward to it! :-)
I took some pics today, too, so I hope to get that up on the url, or at the very least sent out to you all.
Love ya. And thanks so much for the support and good wishes! :-)
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Tues, Jan 3
Happy New Year!!
I came back from warm, sunny skies in Arizona to clouds, rain, and cold in bay area. *sigh*
I caught something while I was home for the holidays. It's bound to happen with all the kids in the house. I had a fever, aches and chills for 3 days, and when the fever finally went away, I was left with a nasal/throat/cough thing. I'm at the tailend of my illness, whatever it was, but I just can't shake it quite yet.
Yesterday I went to the gym for my maintenance run. I did 2 miles on the treadmill, then some weights and ab work. I was quite tired and could tell I physically wasn't 100% yet, but it felt good to see how my body was still in good shape despite the week off I had to recuperate from the illness.
I'm excited about this week's run. 14 miles!! And we'll be running through Golden Gate Park. How cool is that???
Alrighty ya'all. Have fun. Be safe! Post more later this week. :-)
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Tues, Dec 27
Still on vacation. Went for a quick run today with my brother-in-law. It was nice to get out of the house for a bit of exercise. The AZ weather was great to run in.
I think I'm coming down with something, 'tho. The head felt a bit heavy and the throat was dry when I was exercising. I don't think due to the dry weather, but probably due to an oncoming illness. Ugh.
Will be back in the bay area in a few days.
Next run on Jan 7 = 14 miles!!!
I wish you all a great new year!
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Wed, Dec 14
This past Sunday was a 5-mile recovery run. I skipped the run with the group because I had friends in town. I made up the 5 miles on Monday on my own at the gym. I really pushed myself in this last workout: 30 minutes on the treadmill, 50 pull-ups, 300+ crunches (I stopped counting at 320); 100 leg presses, some back exercises, and some dumbell work. I ended with 5 more minutes on the treadmill at a full-on running pace. I'm still a bit sore, but it's mildly amusing. I've really come a very long way since I started training back in September. :-) It never ceases to amaze me at all I've accomplished.
Anyway, now with the holidays coming up it's been tough fitting in gym time between holiday dinners and parties, but I'm still sticking to 2-3 days in the gym.
I saw a sports specialist last Monday who diagnosed me with Chondromalacia Patella, or CMP. There's nothing serious about it - just normal wear and tear on the knee as you get older, and given the serious running I've been doing, this is a very common situation. As long as the soreness goes away after a day or two, there's nothing to worry about. He gave me some physical therapy exercises to help strengthen and stretch one of the muscles that runs along the backside of the leg (can't remember the name?).
This week I also firmed up plans for my Miami trip. The official entry form has been submitted, my plane tickets have been secured, and the hotel is booked! I can't believe it's less than 2 months away! Yay!! :-)
My friend in Florida will be joining me for the pre-run pasta party that is being held at the convention center, so I'm looking forward to hanging out and enjoying my time out there.
This coming Sunday we're running 12 miles!!
It's crazy, but I'm having a great time!
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Sun, Dec 4
Easy, Breezy, 10 Miles SO Easy!!
Today I got up at 5:45AM to make it to Bezerkeley at 7AM for our 10 mile run. It was SO cold and dark outside. I was very tempted to sleep in, especially since I haven't had much down time since I got back from vacation on Weds. But, I dragged myself out of bed and made it down there. It was so darn cold!
I did my 10 miles in 2 hours! How cool is that? I barely broke a sweat, too! :-) No chafing on the foot, probably due to new socks I used. The knee hurt slightly, but it wasn't as bad as the previous weeks. I think the break I took from running during my vacation helped a lot. You'll be glad to know that I have an appt with a knee specialist tomorrow, just to make sure it's all is well with the training.
Next weekend I'll probably head down to Sports Basement again to get a new pair of shoes, some body glide, and maybe some running pants. It's tough deciding what clothes to get, 'cuz as your body warms up during your run, it gets to be a pain trying to carry all the layers with you as you run.
I'm in the process of securing travel and accommodations with the running group. I'm trying to coordinate with my friends in Florida and maybe take 1 or 2 vacation days to hang out while I'm there.
Anyway...all is well with the training. Next week is an easy 5 mile recovery run, so I might skip that and give the knee (and myself) some rest.
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Sun, Nov 20
I just got back from my 9 mile run. We did some serious hills today, so that was quite challenging! Overall, it was actually VERY easy. :-) We ran it in 2:02. Our time is slowing down a bit, mainly due to folks in our pace group starting to develop aches and pains.
Some serious chafing was going on with my foot toward mile 8 today. I see the start of a blister, so a trip to REI for some 'second skin' will happen today. I leave for a 10 day trip to DC, NYC and Italy tomorrow so I think the blister kit and 10 days vacation will be good for the foot to heal, although the effect of all the walking we'll be doing is questionable at this time. I'll probably pick up some Body Glide to help with those areas too.
My left knee got sore again around mile 6, but not as bad as last week. Yeah, I know. I *still* haven't gotten the knee checked out. Sorry y'all, but thanks for all the concern. I do plan to see my doctor when I get back from my trip. I will definitely get it checked out before we do our 14 mile run in a few weeks.
I also received the invite for the pre-run pasta party the night prior to our run in Miami. Any of y'all who plan to join me, let me know! I need to RSVP by January 13th. $20 for adults, $10 for kids under the age of 12. If you want details, drop me an email by clicking on the email runner link (upper lefthand corner).
Next week: 5 mile recovery run. To be run...in Pisa?
Arrivederci! A presto! :-)
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Thurs, Nov 17
This entry is for my dear, dear, DEAR friend, SA. I saw that you donated twice. I'm SO close to my fundraising goal. You're the best! See you soon! *Hugs, hugs, and more hugs*!!!
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Tues, Nov 15
Yesterday I made up the 4 mile 'recovery run' at the gym by myself. Running a long distance on your own on a treadmill is quite excrutiating on the mental realm. I normally dread a 20 minute run at the gym (on a trail by the bay is no problem), but 4 miles at my marathon pace was quite mentally challenging. The first 20 minutes or so flew by because a friend of mine was also at the gym so we chatted for the first half of my run. The second half of my run just seemed to take *forever*. After a long and busy work day, I had to 'just do it' in every Nike sense of the phrase when it came to going to the gym, but you'll be glad that I'm to know I'm still committed and sticking to the training schedule.
9 miles next week!! Bring it on!!
On another note, regarding fundraising I sent out a mass mailing to folks at work and I am touched by everyone's generosity. I don't even know some of the folks who are donating. All the information I get are names and donation amounts, so I can't even send an email thank-you because of that.
I hope those of you who have donated are reading this because this the only way I can extend a heartfelt and sincere 'THANK YOU' for contributing to a worthwhile cause.
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Sat, Nov 12
A happy belated Veteran's Day thank you to all my friends and relatives who have served our country! You all make me proud! :-)
This week has been crazy with a new project at work and various after work commits, so I've only managed to do one maintenance run at the gym instead of the usual 2-3. Sunday we're running a 'recovery run' of 4 miles. The 4 mile run should be fairly easy, so I plan to skip the Sunday 7am run at Bezerkeley and run the 4 miles on my own, probably at Coyote Hills where I can enjoy a different view of the bay. Did I mention how much I love the bay area?? Anyway, I certainly welcome a Saturday that doesn't require an early bedtime and a Sunday where I can sleep in for a change.
I never did get a chance to have my knee checked out this week. I hope to make it to next week's sports injury clinic. It's fine now, but I will do my best to make an appointment with the onsite sports physician at my office next week. Thanks to all of you who expressed concern!
My donation deadline has also been extended to December 31st. Since I solicited the minium of $1,000, I was granted a reprieve on raising the balance of $2,000. Thanks to you early bird donators! That sure helped a lot!! :-)
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Fri, Nov 7
My vacation turned out well, but I only managed to get in one 20 minute run during the week. I think I just really needed a breather from all of my activities at home in SF. No work, no workouts and no classes. A 'true' vacation full of rest and time spent with family. :-)
This past Sunday we did 8 miles. I started out with a group of 8 gals, and eventually 3 of us broke away from the group due to our faster pace.
At mile 4 we had our GU break. This week I tried honey-ginger stinger GU. It was interesting, but that stuff sure has a unique and interesting texture and taste that words can't describe. You GU eaters know what I mean, right?? :-P
Around mile 5 the three of us started to feel some aches. Melinda's ankles and hip were giving her problems, Amy's foot was hurting and caused her to stop training around mile 6, and my left knee was hurting a bit.
Melinda and I finished our 8 mile run in about 1:40, so that was pretty cool.
My knee pain went away around mile 7, but my coach told me to ice the area everyday regardless of pain, and to have it checked out by my doctor sometime this week before next Sunday's run. I guess I'll be making an appointment at the sports injury clinic at my office this week. Stay tuned...
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Fri, Oct 28
A lazy week this week. I wasn't very motivated to workout this week for some reason. My usual 30 minute run, and 30 minute weight/ab routine was more like a 15 min run and a 10 minute routine, but I still managed to go the usual 3xs to the gym. I just didn't push myself. In part, the stress of some new projects at work has added to the lack of energy to go to the gym after work, and also in part due to the change in the weather. The days are shorter and the mornings are dark and cold - so much more difficult to wake up now!
This Sunday we are actually only running 3 miles, but the following week we jump back up to 8 miles.
Let's hope I stay motivated while I'm on vacation next week!
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Sun, Oct 23
An effortless 7 miles today!! Yay!! I finished in about 1:20!! :-) I was SO surprised with myself today. Mentally and physically today was a piece of cake. Last week at around mile 5 I was dealing with the mental exhaustion for some reason. This week, however, I just breezed through the whole training without a second thought!! In fact, at the end of the run I was still mentally and physically energized and really felt like I could run another few miles.
I'm curious, 'tho. Someone mentioned the runner's high, but I don't think I've experienced such an endorphin rush yet. I guess when it happens I'll 'know' (a la my shoe experience from a previous lost blog, remember??) and I'll let you know when it does! :-)
Today they combined a few of the groups for some reason, so this week I ran with about 10 gals. Eventually during our run, myself, another girl also named Christina, and a girl named Melinda broke away from the group because the rest of the group was running at a pace that was a bit slow for us. The three of us ran at a pace that still actually felt a bit slow, but it was just great to 'find my groove' with regards to this training. :-) I'm much more confident in my ability to run the event. I'm SO looking forward to it!!
Half a day later, the left knee is a bit sore, but that was expected because I have bad knees to begin with. When I hike for 7 miles or more, the soreness kicks in so I've been careful with it during the half marathon training. A sports injury clinic offered by the sponsor is coming up. I plan to attend it just to be extra safe and informed!
Next week: 8 miles. We're running from the 'Bezerkeley' Marina to Richmond!! Can you believe that?? C-R-A-Z-Y!!
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Fri, Oct 21
I've been getting a lot of questions regarding the sportswatch with the interval time function I mentioned in an earlier entry. I suppose now is a good time to explain a bit about the training method we are using for this event.
The method is called the Galloway Method, created by Jeff Galloway, the guru of all marathon runners. His method is mainly for endurance purposes and not necessarily for time, although you can modify it if time is part of your goal.
http://www.jeffgalloway.com/index.html
The Galloway Method is set up so you run at a given ratio. My ratio is 4:1. I run/jog for 4 minutes, then walk for 1 minute, and do that for the duration of the total time/distance that I choose to run. Walking for 1 minute allows your running muscles to rest and therefore reduces fatigue. Some of the other pace groups run at other ratios such as 6:1, etc.
The watch that I'm looking for allows you to program this ratio for training purposes and also provides feedback on pace per mile, which is crucial because even though we run at a 4:1 ratio, the pace and distance can vary greatly if we're not congnizant of it.
I stopped by REI on the way home today and picked up more GU for Sunday's run. I'm not looking forward to trying the other flavors, but that stuff sure works! Last week's vanilla was questionably 'vanilla', but decent. Yet still, it makes me nervous about trying the other flavors!
If I had more time I would've checked out the watches. Another trip to REI/Sports Basement is expected this weekend for that darn watch and maybe to return those Mizuno shoes. I've tried them a few times now and haven't quite taken to them at all. I hope I can find another pair of those great Asics I've already got. I think that model might be discontinued. :-( My fingers are crossed! Some of the folks at the stores are starting to recognize me and remember my name. I guess I'm officially a regular there now. :-)
This Sunday - 7 miles! Yikes again!
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Sun, Oct 16
Today I ran 6 miles in a little over an hour! At this rate I'd be running the half marathon in a little over 2 hours. Not bad at all!!
The training didn't start off too well, 'tho. Today I got a little sickly at the beginning of the run, so the trainer had me ease up and run with the next slowest group, which was the 15 minute mile pace group. It was *very* slow compared to my 10 minute group. Unfortunately, there aren't any groups between 10 and 15 at this point, but that was ok. After running with this group, I was amazed at how much *more* energized I felt when I was finished with the run, so my trainer concluded that I wasn't coming down with a virus, but rather that the 10 minute mile group might be too fast for me, which caused me to push too hard, which then caused me to feel a bit sickly.
I'm actually pleasantly surprised and glad to be joining this new group. The current group I'm assigned to is made up of 5 guys and 1 other gal all in their late 30's to mid (and later) 40's. All they ever talk about is their kids and family life. This new group is made up of 2 gals who are around my age and are just very positive and fun to chat with.
Another tidbit of information...apparently I run with a bit of tension in my shoulders. At least that's what my trainer said. She said to just shake, shake, shake it out!! Not sure what that means. I don't feel the tension as I run, but I guess I need to be more cognizant of my form. Hmm....
I also tried some stuff called GU during this run. It's basically an energy supplement that comes in packets. It has the consistency of honey and comes in various flavors. We were told to try these out during our walk breaks as we pass any mileage over 3 or 4 to keep our energy up. I was pretty surprised at the boost it gave me. Throughout training we're supposed to experiment with various energy supplements, shoes, clothing, etc. so that on the event day we've got our system and tried and true methods with us.
After today's run I am pretty positive I can finish the race without too many problems, but I don't want to get ahead of myself just yet!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Tues, Oct 11
I bought a second pair of running shoes this weekend and tried them out today. The trainers told us it was a good idea to get two pairs of running shoes and alternating between the two while we train so that we don't run the actual race in worn out and/or brand new shoes.
My current pair are moderate stability Asics shoes. They are great, albeit a bit heavy, which I didn't notice until I bought my second pair. The second pair are high stability Mizuno shoes. The shoes are lightweight, but running on the treadmill felt a bit awkward. I didn't really care for them at all. I'll probably run in them one more time before deciding whether I want to take them back or not.
I'm also looking into getting a new sports watch for training purposes. The watch they recommend has the interval timing function on it, which I have now come to know is not a standard feature on sports watches. Who knew these things could be so complex?? I'm still shopping around, so if anyone has any input, feel free to send me your insights!
I'm also thinking about getting an ipod nano to help with the boring treadmill time. I don't know how people can watch the news or read a magazine while on that thing. Anyone know of any good deals out there??
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Sun, Oct 9
This week we (my pace group) ran 5 miles in 52 minutes!! I about died at mile 3, but it was great to get through it! Yay!
I must say...G.B. has become the best running partner a gal could ask for! You're the best cheerleader a person can ask for! Thanks for sticking with me last week! :-)
Next Sunday: 6 miles. Yikes!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Fri, Oct 7
Well folks, due to technical issues my original blog entries have been lost and I am unable to retrieve that information. I never did get a clear explanation from the site administrators about the technical glitch, but at this point getting a clear answer has proven futile.
Bummer about the loss. :-( I was pretty upset initially because this blog had documented everything I had been going through since day one of my decision to train and run. I feel a sense of loss because the thoughts, experiences and events I captured here can't be rearticulated, nor shared again in the same manner. :-(
Anyway, instead of dwelling on the loss, I'm moving on and I am redirecting my efforts to recreating my url and creating new blog entries. I suppose this is a lesson in enjoying the moment and focusing on the eternal and not the temporal. You all know what I mean, right? ;-) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Curious Minds Wanna Know...Q: What inspired you to run a half marathon?
A: A friend of mine asked me to run a full marathon and I just laughed at her. Did she even know who she was asking?? Ha ha. The idea stuck in my head, 'tho, and after a series of random events, I signed up for the next event that had a reasonable timeframe for training. I was also ready for a new challenge this year, so why not?
Q: Why did you decide to run for the SF AIDS Foundation?
A: When I decided to run the half marathon, I had *just* missed the deadline to run the Nike San Francisco Half Marathon (benefiting the Leukemia and Lymphoma Socierty). It turns out the AIDS Half Marathon had an office and resources located in Oakland, which is near my home, so access to training resources was actually *more* convenient for me than other marathon sponsors.
Q: Where do your fundraising dollars go towards?
A: The money I am raising will help the San Francisco AIDS Foundation provide HIV services and prevention programs in Alameda, Contra Costa, Marin, San Francisco, San Mateo and Santa Clara Counties -- to keep people alive until there's a cure. A portion of the funds will also support treatment access in the developing world.

Q: What kind of training method are you using??
A: The Galloway method. See the following url for more information, or blog entry Fri, Oct 21.: http://www.jeffgalloway.com/index.html

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Random Facts...
- Half marathon = 13.1 miles
- 6 months of training = ~500 miles
- 1M+ Americans and 40M worldwide are living with HIV
- AIDS is now the leading cause of death among all people aged 15-59 worldwide
- 1 in every 50 San Franciscan is living with HIV/AIDS

10 Things I Love About My Sister

2006-02-28T12:35:00.000-08:00

My sister's birthday is coming up in April. I was thinking about her this morning and, as usual, she brings a smile to my face. :-) I was thinking about all the wonderful things she is to me, and all the wonderful things she has done for me. Here's a top 10 just for her!

In no particular order...

-------------------------------

10 Things I Love About My Sister

1. She's got a great ear and talent for music. Not only can she play piano, violin, and guitar (among other instruments), she can carry a tune and is one heck of a karaoke singer!

2. When we were kids she'd make up the best games to play when we were bored.

3. She's full of goodness right down to the core. I've only seen her really pissed off maybe a handful of times in my life.

4. She has an abundance of patience.

5. Her ability to live with our mom, and the fact that she chose to let my mom live with her despite my mom having her own home and being fully healthy and active.

6. The way we cry at sappy scenes in movies or tv shows, especially at one particular episode of "Highway to Heaven". We are such cornballs!

7. The time she gave me a knuckle sandwich when...umm...I was being mean to her once. Hey, we were kids and she dared me to do it! It still gives me a good laugh!

8. The way that she parents. I've never heard her complain when she's been up all night with the kids and then still gets herself to work the next day.

9. I love her courage and sense of adventure. She took a job transfer from Texas to Japan in her mid-20's and spent nearly a decade there. She really discovered who she was, met her husband there (a military guy from Pennsylvania), had her first child there, and really transformed into a beautiful woman, wife, mother, and an even more wonderful sister and daughter. I'm SO glad she's back in Arizona!

10. The way she can never correctly say, "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles". It always comes out "Teenage Mutant Turtles Ninja"or some other odd variation! It's quite funny!

The list could go on, but I'll save the rest for another day. :-)

I love my sis! She's the best! :-)

Strange Evening

2006-02-28T03:03:00.000-08:00

A weird evening tonight.

I had my class at Stanford tonight as usual.

It was pouring like crazy on the drive over there. I couldn't see a thing! About 5 minutes into my drive I thought about turning around because it was pretty scary driving in those conditions. The bay area gets a lot of rain in the winter, but days when it's pouring and driving visibility is poor is a rarity. And the wind. It was really blowing hard! It made me nervous driving over the toll bridge. Scary stuff!

After class I met up with my cousin for dinner. He finally got the keys to his new house and it was my first opportunity to see his place. I drove over and we decided to go to a Japanese restaurant to eat. The place we went to is similar to Benihana's, where they cook the food right in front of you.

In the middle of our meal the power went out! We ended up eating our meal in the dark! It was too funny! The cook had just finished cooking our meal, too, so I guess if the power had to go out, then we were lucky it went out when it did.

The staff brought out candles, but they were these tiny tea candles that actually didn't really help at all. So everyone at our table pulled out their cell phones and we ate our meals with our LCD screens lit up for light! How funny is that?

The power was still out when we finished up our meal. With the power out, we couldn't use the credit card machine. The waitress had to take our information down manually. It was weird. How did people survive before all this technology?

When we left it was eerie. The entire area was pitch black. Even the hotel across the street was eerily dark. We didn't see any emergency lights on either. I would have thought they'd have a generator or something there.

We drove a mile or so, and then suddenly we entered an area that had power. It was strange because it was like going from night to day. On one side of the street there was light, and on the other it was pitch black.

Anyway...it was weird.

Ok. Time for bed. Maybe tomorrow won't be so surreal.

G'night!

Knowing When To Move

2006-02-28T02:05:00.001-08:00

A friend sent me this quote over the weekend.

"There is such a thing as "Waiting on the Lord." However, the danger of stagnation is also very real. Learning to distinguish between the two, and finding that critical balance of knowing when to move and when to be still is the process we call LIFE."

I have been thinking about my current job situation and how the job search is really starting to feel like a second job. While I haven't entirely reached major frustration levels yet, it is tiring and time consuming searching for jobs, tailoring cover letters, then following up for what really ends up seeming like a lucky break with a recruiter or fortunate timing with a job opening.

It takes a long time trying to think about the next career move and, in my case, I'm really hoping for an entire career change. But what will really end up happening is anyone's guess! I'm pursuing both avenues at this time. One resume is tailored to the next logical career move based on my current experience, and another one is tailored towards a 'foot-in-the-door' opportunity in a different industry.

I've been thinking about the old adage of "opportunity is preparation meeting luck". How much effort is too much effort? And how much time and effort should we put into pursuing something that does not seem to be producing any fruit? And is it really "preparation meeting luck", or is it just "go about life and luck"? If that makes any sense...

So I asked my friend one of the most unanswerable questions of all time: how much of life is really just surrendering to God and allowing him to provide in my life, versus the free will argument and taking action towards my chosen destiny? This is an entirely bigger debate for another time, so I'll just leave this as is, and you can ponder at your own leisure. :-)

It's a fine line I'm walking right now. I'm doing all the right things in the tangible way, but then there's the 'letting go and letting God' part of it. I need to detach from the outcome of my actions. I can hope for a certain outcome, but I need to keep reminding myself that what I want and what I think I want may not be the things that God knows I need, and I'm certain the opportunities will reflect the latter. It's definitely a different way of viewing life, for sure. I may want things to end up a certain way, but I need to be careful not to be focused on what I'd like it to be like, rather than appreciating it for what it is.

How does one really know when and what kind of move they need to make, versus when to surrender and just 'be still', to just 'be' in season they are at? I'm not really looking for an answer, I guess. It's all a matter of faith and I've still got that deep sense of gratitude I've posted about before. There's still this sense in my gut that I know I'm on the verge of something bigger. I feel like I'm at a critical juncture and God's preparing me for the wonderful thing(s) that are to come. It's weird, but that feeling is still there. It's awesome! And I'm not quite sure what to do with it!

Anyway, any and all job search advice, words of wisdom, prayers, good vibrations, or positive mantras you'd like to send my way, please do! I think it's gonna be a while before something changes with the job situation.

Thanks, ya'all!

-RM

Do You Love Yourself?

2006-02-25T01:21:00.000-08:00

Someone asked me this question today.

Do you love yourself?

Do you really love yourself?

He stated this very clearly and deliberately as if it were a trick question and told me to be honest with myself when responding.

My gut reaction was to say, 'of course'. But I hesitated and took a moment to check in with my gut. You know, that often elusive and tricky feeling in the pit of your stomach that either flip flops when words are disconnected with emotions, or that gurgly feeling that tells you this is an 'it' moment, when there's congruency with the emotions and the logic.

My stomach flip flopped in the disconnect.

*sigh*

I answered, "mostly", which we all know is really a 'no'.

I know I'm a long way from who I'd like to be. I'm somewhere in the process of "becoming" and I still haven't quite made peace with a few quirks in my personality. But does anyone ever really end up liking all of themselves? I find that hard to believe. I think people end up liking most of who they are, and end up making peace with the parts that they don't.

My heart is a bit unsettled right now as I am thinking about my situation and the amount of satisfaction and contentment I have in this moment in my life. I struggle with the entire singleness thing. Singleness as a state of existence is such an interesting concept. It's a mixed blessing in many respects.

I've been fortunate to have spent a good amount of my single years having travelled throughout North America, Europe, Asia and other places; been blessed to have the time and resources to travel frequently to be a part of my nieces and nephews formative years; to have time to explore the various interests and hobbies that I've always wanted to try; and to have spent a good amount of time building the career.

And now?

There's a deeper desire to be less self-focused. I've got a strong yearning to just share all the good things I've cultivated in my life and to really share everything about who I am and what life has to offer with someone. I've dated enough to know that loneliness doesn't end when you say 'I do', and that sometimes being with someone who doesn't understand you is often lonelier than being alone. I know that your sig other can't possibly fulfill all your needs, and that love and commitment really just boils down to choices, to making the choice over and over to be kind and considerate to that chosen person, and trust. Trusting and knowing yourself and the other person well enough as they are now, and not who you hope for them to be in the future. You can hope for changes in the future, but you must accept the present as is, and know that it may not change for the better going forward.

And so this is where I'm at. Struggling to accept the fact that at this age, being single for an indefinite amount of time may certainly be a possibility. Throughout my 20's I just dated and had no cares whatsoever. I just assumed someone would come along and things would fall into place. But then the early 20's turn into mid-20's, turned into late 20's and now 30's.

I think for those of you who 'married young' (early to mid-20's), marriage and courtship is a lot easier. There aren't a lot of experiences under your belt yet, and as a result your views on self, others, relationships, the world, etc., aren't solidified yet, so the opportunity to grow together is more abundant. But when you are single for a greater amount of time before getting married, the ease of compromise and acceptance doesn't flow as quickly. You're more self-sufficient and have a more concrete understanding of your likes, dislikes, and temperament. And it's hard not to have that 'been there done that' attitude. I'm not talking jaded in the negative sense. I'm just saying that finding new experiences to share becomes more difficult. It's not impossible because life is dynamic, but imagine merging two people who have 25 years of experience together vs. two people who have 30 or 35 years, vs. 60 or 65. Do you see what I mean?

But to get back to my original pondering: do I love myself?

An honest answer would be 'no'.

*sigh*

I'm still working to accept some unfortunate things that life dealt me, and I'm slowly forgiving myself for making some poor choices. I'm doing things to challenge me in new ways with the hope that the end result will be a moment of surprise, a realization of sorts, when I suddenly realize that this is what life is all about. That all the struggles and all the questions were worth it because it got me to this point. This elusive point in time that is an ever-moving target.

Love where you're at, everyone.

There's a method to this madness called life.

Believe in it.

Trust it.

Live it.

Be it.

And love.

Just love.

Love who you are, where you're at, and all the trials you're going through because those will bring you that much closer to the tribulations and rewards that you so wonderfully deserve!

Blessings and sweet dreams!

Love ya,
RM

Christian Math

2006-02-25T01:00:00.000-08:00

Came across this on a Christian message board.

The best mathematical equation I've ever seen:

1 cross

+ 3 nails

----------

= 4 given

I Am Such A Blob

2006-02-24T13:52:00.000-08:00

I seriously have not worked out since coming back from Florida.

I haven't even seen my running shoes since I unpacked them.

I forgot what the gym smells like.

I'm still repulsed by bananas, carbs, and all things healthy...except my yummy chicken caesar salad.

I'm wondering which 5K or 10K I should sign up for, but kind of nervous about it. Dunno why.

Will also recommit myself to a new routine at the gym. Umm...starting next week. Yeah, umm...that sounds good. Oh wait. Didn't I say that last week, too? *sigh*

Need to find my motivation for the gym.

Spring weather has begun to show itself - yay!

The days are getting longer - yay!

It's Friday - yay!

Cute Laughing Babies

2006-02-23T00:07:00.000-08:00

Saw this on another blog.

This will make you laugh.

Enjoy!

:-)

Like A Ton of Bricks

2006-02-20T14:40:00.000-08:00

It hit me last night.

Late Sat evening after I received the news about H's death, I sent an email to my home group (aka bible study group) telling them of the news. Late on Sunday evening after I returned from Tahoe, I received a response to the prayer request I submitted.

The group leader, RD, didn't say anything unusually profound or personal in it. She merely acknowledge what happened and said she'd note the things I requested prayer for. Reading that email I burst into tears.

I mentioned before that there is this disconnect about 'death' when you are removed from that person and their physical, day to day, life. Due to the physical distance that separated us in the last few years, H's death seems like an intellectual concept to me. The only things that have made it "real" to me was when others acknowledged it. Whether it was RD's email, or speaking to my mom and hearing about all the things going on with the funeral proceedings. It just seems like a conversational topic, as if someone asked, "how was your day?", yet there's an underlying knowing that something significant happened, even if I 'don't get it' right now. Even when I went through the motions of sending flowers to the wake, it just seemed like another item on the 'to do' list that day.

I keep thinking back on a couple of memories.

H used to make the best garlic fried chicken. She knew how much I loved it and would make it for me often. It was always a treat! Yum!

I also remember how she was so kind and loving towards us when my father passed away. She was a big source of support for my mom during that time.

And now, I just think of her grandson, who is about my nephew's age (~5 years) and just how sad that is. And I think about her husband. I honestly can't imagine what it would be like to lose a spouse. I think about my mom's situation often and how 20, 30, 40+ years of shared memories are gone. Or rather, the only other person who shared and knows of those memories is now gone.

It was weird to know that as I was snowboarding and enjoying time with my friends, that just a two hour plane ride away was H's family preparing for her wake.

I've always been the type of person who'd feel guilty for enjoying things when I know there are so many people suffering and going through hard times out there. Don't get me wrong, 'tho. There is a deep sense of gratitude for all the blessings in my life, but I just feel like I could be doing so much more to help move the world forward in better ways.

*sigh*

Brain Dump

2006-02-19T23:36:00.000-08:00

Definitely some random thoughts tonight... If this doesn't seem to flow, it's because it's just a 'dump' of my thoughts...bear with me....

Found this quote on 'Zann's blog:

This journey is my salvation. And it needs to be all about Me.

Hmm...I'm pondering this quote. It sounds inherently selfish, or is it inherently self-preserving? Wondering...Hmm...

What lies ahead of me I have no way of knowing.

As I wrote that last sentence, it sounded vaguely familiar. After some thought, I realized it's similar to a line from Tom Petty's song, It's Time To Move On:

It's time to move on,

time to get going

What lies ahead,

I have no way of knowing

But under my feet,

babe, grass is growng

It's time to move on,

it's time to get going

This moment is perfect in all of it's questions and heartaches.

And yet, I need to move on. How can one be moving forward and yet still feel like you're not making headway? Such is life and you just gotta trust in the process.

It's all about you, Lord. Use me where I'm at. You've put me here in this space-time continuum and it's for a reason and a purpose. Help me to fulfill it. Help me to surrender to it. If what I want and what I desire is not according to your will, then help me to accept that and to move on in faith and into your image.

You know the troubles that are in my heart and I need your help dealing with those things. Help me to let go of certain fears, certain people, certain idolization of issues and things that don't allow me to grow. If there's a lesson to be learned, help me to learn it and to learn it well so that I can move on and move forward towards the great plans that are in store for my life.

And with that, I lift up the cares and concerns of my heart, knowing that you are a good god and that you will be faithful to me if I wait patiently upon you.

In your son's holy name,

Amen

What Kind of Muppet Are You?

2006-02-19T23:14:00.000-08:00

I got this from Siesh's url. Thanks for showing me this!

Siesh - FYI...I figured it out (obviously). Didn't realize you just paste the code into the post screen. I had previously been trying to add it to the link icon!

You Are A Kermit

Hi, ho! Lovable and friendly, you get along well with everyone you know.You're a big thinker, and sometimes you over think life's problems.Don't worry - everyone know's it's not easy being green.Just remember, time's fun when you're having flies!

The Muppet Personality Test

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

2006-02-19T23:00:00.000-08:00

Blog fun. From Eph2810's blog.

You Are A Cappuccino

You're fun, outgoing, and you love to try anything new.However, you tend to have strong opinions on what you like.You are a total girly girly at heart - and prefer your coffee with good conversation.You're the type that seems complex to outsiders, but in reality, you are easy to please

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

Can't Get Enough Of David Hasselhoff?

2006-02-19T00:21:00.000-08:00

LMAO......!!!

Sarcomical just keeps feeding my new obsession with "The Hoff"!! I can't get enough of it!

Check out this link I snagged from her blog: David Hasselhoff Compendium.

Ponder These

2006-02-18T22:18:00.000-08:00

On Life...

"You don't have to be a house to be haunted." --Emily Dickinson

"My darling girl, when are you going to understand that 'normal' isn't a virtue? It rather denotes a lack of courage." --Robin Swicord

On Love...

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because the truth is, there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love -- well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived." --William Parrish, Meet Joe Black

"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." -- Emily Bronte

On Writing...

"I am not really a writer. I am just someone who is haunted, and I will write the hauntings down." --Janet Frame

Elation and Grief

2006-02-18T21:08:00.000-08:00

Tonight was just an awesome, awesome worship service. The guest pastor was on fire! I was really feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit and I was just bursting with praise for our Lord!

The lesson this evening was based on Romans 8:28 (NIV):

"And we know that in all things God words for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

He spoke of Saul (whose name was later changed to Paul) and how he was transformed from persecutor of Christ, to a believer of Christ, and how he went from being a murderer to being a missionary. It's a longer and more complicated story than that, but just awesome, awesome, awesome to know that in all of our trials, inequities, and sins, God is always at work and will use all of these things to fulfill his divine purposes.

I left this evening with such a renewed fervor for all that is happening in my life and the continued desire to just lean on Him more and more. I just want to embrace all the things going on in my life, good or bad, and just let God do what he wants with me and my life. I feel it ever more in my gut that he's growing me closer into His image.

-------------

On another note...I got some sad news. My mom's long-time friend of .... gosh... 30+(?) years passed away last Sunday. I knew H was in the ICU at the hospital the last couple of weeks, and so I assumed my mom had been busy helping her family out and such, which would explain why we hadn't been in a lot of contact this last week. I called my sister who told me tonight of what transpired. I guess my mom isn't handling it too well.

I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now, either. I guess the first step in grief is denial. It's weird. I've known H and her family for all of my life. But a strange thing happens when you move away from home. It's like, I don't see her as regularly anymore since moving to California, so her death seems just like an intellectual concept, if that makes any sense. I guess it would be different if I was in Arizona partaking in the wake, the funeral, and related activities.

I've thought about this idea before too. Like if my grandparents were to pass would it even seem real? I don't think it would because I feel a bit 'removed' from them now that I live out-of-state.

*sigh*

I dunno...H was an awesome woman, and I've got so many great memories of her. I ask that you all pray for healing and comfort for all of those who are grieving her death.

Thanks everyone.

Love,

Rambling Muse

More Housekeeping

2006-02-18T20:44:00.000-08:00

Ok folks...on the dating topic I decided to get more serious about the 'clutter' surrounding my love life. I went through the phone numbers on my cell phone and deleted all names and numbers of men who are in an 'ambiguous state of being' with me. I did the same to my Yahoo IM list as well.

No more, "I wonder ifs", or hanging out with "questionable friends". You know, the ones where you just "know" aren't going to lead anywhere, but which are a good dates when bored. Or the ones where you know their actions and interests don't really jive with their words. Unless there is secure knowledge of a platonic friendship or a romantic intention, all of these phone numbers and names are now gone. If they want to contact me, well, I'll figure that part out later.

I'm going to choose boredom over the company because, as Whitney Houston so eloquently put it, "I'm saving all my love for you". "You" being the elusive soulmate and life partner. I want our time to be meaningful and purposeful, and I can't be sharing haphazard moments with these guys. I'm all about positive energy and effort that will yield what I want. I'm focused on God and his provisions and that's that. If a man comes along, then God wants me to be ready. I can't be ready and willing if I've got these guys hanging around.

I also am in the process of decluttering and simplifying the tangible stuff in my possession. As I find momentos and reminders of ex boyfriends, they are going into a box to be stored away somewhere out of sight. I want to toss some of that stuff, but THAT step I'm not ready for yet. So the next best thing is to just tuck that stuff away until I'm truly ready to part with those things.

It's all a slow process and patience and latitude are key. Slowly, but surely I things will come together. I know God will do his part if I do mine.

-RM

Reflections

2006-02-18T12:40:00.000-08:00

As some of you know, I had actually started this blog back in November. I was loving the blog life, when something happened. A 'security breach' occurred in January. I was sent into a panic.

Somehow certain close family and friends got a hold of the blog url and I was sent in a tizzy because this is meant to be a journal - a private journal. Or, at least as private as it can get, you know? Some of my earlier posts about my family didn't paint the nicest picture, so I quickly took down those old posts and renamed my url in an attempt to thrwart the invasion of my privacy. Hence the name "undergroundmuse" in my url. I had to 'go into hiding', so to speak. I thought that name was amusingly appropriate. Yeah, now you know the story behind the name.

I went through those old archives the other day and decided that I will slowly and discriminately repost some of those old posts. They won't all happen all at once, but you can check in from time to time in the archives to see what old goodies I've decided to repost.

It was interesting because a lot of the insights I first wrote about had been forgotten, so it was eye-opening to know see how I've changed, how I've grown, how I've regressed, and who has come and gone in my life. It's good to do a periodic review sometimes, I guess. I think that's where the faith in upkeeping this blog comes into play. I write because I enjoy it, because it's cathartic, and because it helps to process lessons and record experiences. But the truer meaning in all of this is that I hope to read back on it all with gratitude and clarity, knowing that the journey was well worth it to get me to this perfect moment in the present.

A-ha Moment!

2006-02-17T14:23:00.000-08:00

I was going through some notes from previous sermons when I came across something I had written down in December 2005, taken from the sermon, "Life Lessons From The Christmas Story," based on Luke 1: 39-45 (NIV).

#4 on my pastor's list of lessons:

When pregnant with divine purpose, choose your company wisely.

I believe this is where I'm at.

I believe - I know - that I'm on the verge of something bigger that God has in store for me. I feel it. I'm in the midst of it and to try to grasp that with my secular brain is just a silly exercise that can't ever be done. I can't stop talking about it because that deep-rooted knowing is there, at the gut level, and I feel like I'm going to burst from the anticipation of all that is to transpire!

And so, as I sit here, some of these things are becoming clearer to me. The need to simplify, the need to stop all the analyzing, the need to withdraw a bit from my social activities and friends, and the huge thirst and hunger to just rest in God and to meditate on his teachings. And the desire to be around other strong Christians whose faith I can glean from and whose love I can abide in because I know it's rooted in God's Will.

Lesson #4 reverberated within me. All the things and people I associate with are crucial to moving me forward in faith, and while I get caught up in the pettiness, another note from this lesson was, "be careful not to make the circumstances bigger than the promise." And so, I am holding on to God and moving forward. The aches, the pains, the hurt, the tears, the good-byes and the changes - all worth it if it draws me closer to God.

And lesson #6:

Praise and worship are always the right response.

Lesson #6 was especially interesting because as I grow in my faith, I realize those responses are innate in us. As anyone who comes to know the true glory of God, one can't help but praise and give thanks. The last few weeks all of this gratitude was just flowing from me and I still feel it now. There's so much faith in me right now, and still so much more faith that can grow, that hopeful expectancy and eager anticipation of what's to come is the only way I can describe it. It's a sad thing to know that secular words and terms can never truly convey all the great things that God is doing in me and in others.

I love you. I love life. I love this lesson.

Blessings to all,
RM

Delight In The Lord

2006-02-17T09:25:00.000-08:00

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;

do not fret when men succeed in their ways,

when they carry out their wicked schemes.

- Psalm 37:7 (NIV)

Read the entire Psalm of David here.

---------------------------------------------

I have an abundance of gratitude once again. :-)

It may not have seemed like it from the stuff I posted in the last couple of days, but this thankfulness I felt never really went away. It's ebbed and flowed quite a bit recently and I realized I was getting caught up in the things of the world. I prayed, talked to some of my Christian friends, and vented the negative feelings I've had through those conversations and through this blog, and spent time reading the bible. I gained clarity once again, and a renewed sense of gratitude.

All these petty relationships and people who were contributing to these negative feelings I've been having just don't get it. Their hearts, minds, and eyes are not open to God's Word, and while I find that their lives may appear fruitful, there is a sadness knowing that it's not rooted in biblical truths. It's scary to know the deception that the evil one can play on someone sometimes. If we are not "on guard" these setbacks can happen.

I'm growing ever closer to God, and the differing in our biblical perspectives is starting to be a huge gap in these relationships. I definitely see that now. I'm starting to gravitate towards more Christian friends, and there's a saddness within for the way a lot of my friendships are changing. It's nothing that one can see on the superficial level, nor is there a concrete way to describe it, except that it's a spiritual metamorphosis occuring once again.

By 'once again', I mean that a similar situation happened a while ago when I first came to accept Christ as my Lord and Savior. I was living a great life and from all perspectives- within and from outside. It really was a good life. Lots of great things were going on in my life, but something happened and it was amazing the transformation that took place. Someday I'll go into details, but not today. I cannot even begin to explain the spiritual awakening I had back then. It was through that moment that my view on life took on a completely different meaning. It's so hard to explain and to describe, but suddenly I seriously understood what life was really all about. I understood it with a keen clarity and an inherent and essential knowledge. Nothing in my circumstances changed. I still have the same quirks, same issues, and still went about my day to day. The only change was that God's grace enveloped me and from that moment on I was a new creation in Christ.

I find myself at a huge crossroad right now. I truly know that I'm in the midst of something big happening in my life, something that God has not yet revealed, but everyday in small ways I am reminded that He is at work. I know that because of all the relationships I am letting go of, and because of a growing detachment to my things and the stuff I accumulate, and because of the fervent and steadfast way with which I am seeking his righteousness.

I'm changing in SO many grand ways from within, and I find myself not enjoying or valuing some of the secular relationships I have anymore. The pull for me to be in this world is SO strong, yet there's a light within that God wants to shine, and that knows that I am not of the world, but I have a lot of fear, trepidation and apprehension because it is contradictory to the world's perspective on life. I am slowly working on proclaiming the greatness that God has given me. On forging ahead in the knowledge and security of the holy inheritance that he has promised me and to all of those who are a part of His holy kingdom.

And so I continue to work on releasing those things that do not propel me forward in His truths. I know that he is a good God and that as I wait patiently on Him, I know he will be faithful to me and answer all of my prayers.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

- Psalm 37:4 (NIV)

Blessings!

-RM

Search Queries

2006-02-17T00:28:00.000-08:00

Top search queries that led people to my blog:

xina the warrior princess
pre-run breakfast
warrior princess xena rice
chanel nicole kidman 2005
long my hair has
eve krakow
knees hurt when walking
2B
hope in life
thoreau simplify simplify simplify quicksand quotation

Interesting, eh?

Who the heck is "eve krakow"???

And "warrior princess xena rice"??

For B, on Joe's 33rd birthday...

2006-02-15T23:37:00.000-08:00

Love's Existence

"Love is lonely sometimes, and it hurts to the point that it feels like you are being torn apart. But love is not chosen, love chooses you. And that feeling when you're with them, that indescribable feeling that no one else gives you, is what makes it all right. It makes it OK to love, even if that is all it will be, because love isn't meant to break you with pain. It's meant to create a part of you that smiles in the saddest of night. Love is the (es)sense of existence, so to try to forget it, would be an attempt to forget yourself."

Happy Birthday to Joe!

And many thanks, B, for sharing his spirit with us in your blog. His love is ever present when I create posts and think of you. It's kind of a weird thing to say, but I do. I sense it from you.

*hugs*

Heeeey, Beautiful!!

2006-02-15T15:58:00.000-08:00

Ugh.

Something about this guy I know really bugs me.

G is a guy that I recently met. He's from Brazil and he's quite handsome! Yes, he's quite easy on the eyes! :-)

But the minute he opens his mouth I just want to run the other way. It's interesting how personality can affect attraction, isn't it? What a shame...! Such a cutie, too!

Everytime he greets me, it's with a, "Heeey, Beautiful", or "How's my Sweetie Pie?", or "You look tired. I think you need a back rub." Eeeww!!! No way is smooth talk like that going to get me into his good graces! No way. I wish I could convey the tone and body language he uses over blogger, but I think you get the point.

He's just a friend of a friend, but every bad interaction with a guy right now is just making generalize, so humor me for a bit, ok?

All I ask is for ONE decent date with a nice, single and interesting guy to restore my faith in men. Just ONE! Is that too much to ask? Well, CB (whom I previously wrote about) was one, but come on. There's gotta be at least TWO out there, right?? Right??

I'm just not liking men these days, can't you tell?

*sigh*

I can see my future now...

The big house, the white picket fence, 5 dogs, 10 cats, and a bird.
aka "Poor Auntie Muse never found her man".

Or...

The awesome aunt who spoils her nieces and nephews.
aka "She's so good with kids. It's a shame she never had children of her own."

*sigh*

I'm off to dinner! Ciao!

It's All About David Hasselhoff...

2006-02-14T22:02:00.000-08:00

OMG. This is one of the few times I will ever say LMAO!!!

I finally was able to check out a link on Sarcomical's blog about one of her friend's obsession with David Hasselhoff. It was hilarious!!!

It began with DH's hilarious music video, "Hooked on a Feeling". Just wait for the dancing bears, the flying angels, flying motorcycles, African tribes and chants, the part where he hooks himself, where he's dancing around in a bear suit and where he catches a fish and takes a bite out of it! And those are only a part of it's charm!!

OMG....LMAOOOO!!!!

This video inspired me to search Yahoo for all things David, and who knew he had so many adoring fans! It's actually comical AND scary at the same time. Quite bizarre!!

Check out pics and a lovely poem entitled, "Ode to David" here. If you click around on this site you can also make your own David Hasselhoff paper airplane! Now, who wouldn't want to make one of their own?? Go ahead and do it. You know you wanna!! I'm sure every day there are many adoring fans making them! Ha ha...!!!

Or, if you really want a piece of David, you can always go to Ebay and try your luck at snagging one of the many items to add to your DH shrine.

Even better is someone's "proof" that DH is the AntiChrist. There's a lot to this proof, so if you don't wanna read through the entire url, then at least click on it and scroll to see a couple of the pics on the site! Ha ha!!!

And who knew what a political activist he was? Did you know that some people believed he helped end the cold war? Ha ha...

And I love this quote:

"There are many dying children out there whose last wish is to meet me."
— David Hasselhoff, "Germans Love David Hasselhoff"

I don't think parents will try to grant this last wish if they saw this.

LMAO!!!

Hooga Hooga Ooga Chakka !!

Love Ramblings

2006-02-14T11:10:00.000-08:00

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

- 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 (NIV)

------------------------------------

I can't seem to concentrate today.

Today started off an an 'ok' note. I had a moment this morning. Just a fickle thought, a longing... a sincere realization that it's been a long, long, long time since I've just been held by someone...held by someone I really liked, anyway. :-P I really wanted that this morning. I just wanted to have one of those seemingly mundane mornings with your sig other, where you ask the simple things, like 'how's your day looking?', or 'what do you feel like having for dinner later?'. It was just a thought and a recognition of that longing I had. No tears or real sadness in that moment. Ironically, I took that moment to give thanks. Perhaps another awakening of sorts happened, or maybe a real effort on my part these days to adjust the perspective has been happening, but I gave thanks for knowing what "true love" felt and looked like. And then I was filled hope and an 'inner knowing' that I'd find it again someday. I know I'll know it when I find it. I really believe that.

I know what I want and in the deepest recesses of my being I won't settle for less than what is 'rightfully' mine on the ethereal level - a cosmic meeting of minds and hearts with the person who is meant to share in my journey and who, in partnership, will hopefully pass along those intangible truths to our children and have that love reflected in our home.

I'm frustrated. Just absolutely exhausted and tired of the search and dating right now. But again, this is just a moment. A captured thought, a captured feeling, a captured moment.

Anyway...this is kind of funny...I already have another date lined up this week. Someone I have been conversing with since around November. Our schedules just haven't been able to sync up yet. So no true worries, ya'all. I know what I want and each time I get disappointed I know it just reaffirms my inner knowing of what it is I'm looking for, and it just brings me that much closer to the 'it' that I am seeking.

Blessings. Now go hug someone for the heck of it.

*hugs*

-RM

HaPpY BiRtHdAy, Betsy!!

2006-02-14T01:16:00.000-08:00

For Betsy!

I love ya!!

Happy Birthday!

I hope it's a good one!!

---------------------------------------------------------------

B - Blog friend extraordinaire!

E - Entertaining and awesome!

T - Tender and warm-hearted!

S - Super and so phenomenal!

Y - Youthful and most vibrant!

---------------------------------------------------------------

You rock!!

I'm so glad I stumbled across your blog way back when!

You're the best!!

The Date

2006-02-14T00:18:00.000-08:00

Date went well. But I use the word "well" loosely!

I mentioned previously that Dude had sent a follow up email after our phone convo last night. Late this afternoon I replied with a brief note and a link for a musical artist I had mentioned in our phone conversation that he said he had never heard of. I figure he's a music buff, so that would at least give us something to talk about if the conversation was lacking this evening. :-P

I called him around 6pm to firm up plans. We agreed to meet around 9:30pm.

I got to the restaurant a bit earlier than him. If I hadn't known he was just a block away and making his way to the restaurant, I wouldn't have recognized him when he came through the door. HE LOOKS NOTHING LIKE HIS PICTURE!!!

Ok, that all caps statement is not necessarily implying a negative. He just seriously did not look like the two photos he had posted with his ad. I still don't believe it was him. I have this Twilight Zone-ish observation of it in that I swear he was using someone else's pics for his ad. I just looked at his pics again and NO WAY could it be the same person! I feel like the online site mixed up his photos with someone else's! Maybe they really did. I don't know.

Anyway...strike one...he reeked of cologne. Oh my gosh I just wanted to gag. I smelled him the minute the door to the restaurant opened, and I was at least 6 feet away from the door! I can still smell his icky cologne now and we didn't do anything except 'air hug' at the end of the evening!

Yuck.

The first 15 minutes into the conversation I just wanted to roll my eyes and get out of there. He had such a 'sufer dude' air about him. Like Keanu Reeves somehow inhabited the body of this person and was sitting right across from me in the Cheesecake Factory, ordering Southwestern Eggrolls and Ahi Tuna Carpaccio.

Strike two...he doesn't eat fish or sushi. Ok, that's not a big strike, but it is. I haven't made up my mind on this one, but let's just say it didn't help his case. :-P

Strike three..the way he carried himself...I swear he needed Ritalin or something. He was shifty and couldn't sit still. I attributed it to nervousness, and it did subdue a bit as we got into our meal and our conversation, but it just didn't seem like two, happy, healthy, well-adjusted adults having a conversation together. I felt like nanny Muse was baby-sitting little hyper Dude.

And strike 4...the way he articulates himself...it was quite questionable! All he wanted to talk about was whether I liked clubbing or drinking or snowboarding. I managed to steer the topic to a few other things, but I could tell he wasn't comfortable chatting about even the most superficial topics, like siblings or other interests!

So after our food arrived, I just made up in my mind to take my own advice and just 'be' in the moment. I was bound and determined to have a good time anyway, and so I just didn't give a crap.

In all fairness, the conversation did flow after a certain point, but on my end I just really wasn't that interested in the conversation. I just wasn't genuinely engaged in the conversation. There wasn't anything about the conversation that intrigued me about him. Superficially I probably seemed like I was having a grand time, but I wasn't really, if that makes any sense. I could tell he has a good side to himself and was genuinely interested in the conversation, but he was one of those types who was always just trying to 'understand' and 'get on the same page' as you, when in reality he had no clue about the points I was making.

I have a feeling he thought the evening went well, but then again, guys are clueless about chemistry and interactions. *sigh* My bet is that he's going to follow up with an invite to this movie we both had said we wanted to see.

My conclusion? Nice guy and probably a good friend to have...maybe...but beyond that I don't see it. His maturity and the overall impression was less than stellar. Sorry to disappoint ya'all. Maybe I sound a bit too dismissive based on one (the first) date, but I'm really trusting my gut these days.

There are good things in store for me, and he was just a moment along my journey to better things. Will keep you posted if there's any follow up.

Good night, ya'all.

Sweet dreams!

Blog Dreams

2006-02-12T13:29:00.000-08:00

I woke up from the funkiest dream this morning.

My sister, my bro-in-law, B, SM, Walt, MK, JRowe, two of MK's band members, and Uma Thurman were in this dream, and I think lawchic was in it somewhere too...

The dream began with all of us sitting around trying to figure out what to eat. My bro-in-law's like, "I'll just go to blah blah burger joint and pick up food for all of us". So he leaves and we're all just hanging out.

Then I dreamt that we were all going to the Berkeley Marina to go sailing, but it was weird 'cuz I was driving in a convertible with MK through some streets in Phoenix to get there. Dunno. I think SM and B were in another car, and I don't know what happened to Walt or JRowe at this point.

We were meeting up with everyone at some apartment complex first. We get there and the outside of the building looks like an apartment complex, but once inside it was really my mom's house and Uma Thurman was my neighbor who lived down the hall in my sister's room. I was bummed because I forgot to bring a clothes to layer up in. I had taken everything out of my backpack and yet there wasn't even a sweatshirt or fleece or anything. I was in shorts and a polo shirt, so I was concerned I'd be miserable on the water. You know how it can get cold on the water. So MK's like, "Don't worry. I'll call JRowe up and you can borrow a jacket or whatever you need."

So my "apartment" was really my mom's room and we're all waiting around for everyone to gather there. MK makes the phone call to JRowe, hoping to catch her before she leaves her house to meet up with us. Then Uma comes in and insists on using the bathroom. She comes out and chats with us for a while, and MK is really smitten with her. In my dream he is SO short in comparison to her. Her tall lanky stature is exaggerated in the dream. And so is her blonde hair. She's really smokin' and even MK's two friends are drooling over her.

While she was in the bathroom, MK's friends were trying on ties and and asking my opinion on which ones they should wear in their upcoming band performance. Dunno if suits and ties are your standard rock band uniforms?? Ha ha... Anyway, so Uma leaves, then someone comes out of the bathroom a bit later and says, "Look what I found". He holds up a stick. Apparently Uma had taken a pregnancy test, but it didn't look used. So I take the stick, which now has turned into an exacto-knife with a diamond instead of a blade on the end of it (???), and I go into Uma's apartment (my sister's room) and say, "Look what I found. Everything ok?"

I don't remember much after that, except that everyone else started showing up to go on this sailing excursion.

Weird!

I need to take a break from blogging, I think.

Word Cloud

2006-02-11T22:33:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Gunnella for showing me the link to create a Word Cloud. When the link comes up, click on "custom" to create your own. The link generates one of these based on the words used in your blog. Kinda cool!

Enjoy! :-)

Ramblings On Writing Style

2006-02-11T14:49:00.000-08:00

Some thoughts on writing style today.

"You're a prolific writer".

Quite a few people have said this to me lately. I know they mean that my writing has a lot of depth and a profound style to it, but the actual definition of 'prolific' and how it applies to my writing I still can't quite grasp. Yeah, go ahead and look up the word 'prolific'. Except for the one that says "intellectually productive", I never thought of my writing as that, but who knows.

Dunno...maybe it's just me.

*shrug*

Anyway, this got me to thinking about writing style and finding your "voice" on paper. I spend a lot of time at the computer in my current job, so it's quite easy to be catching up on all my favorite blogs during the day. If it seems I'm at the computer 24-7, just blame it on the mobile workforce and wireless internet connections.

Some blogs I read are SO funny! The writer takes the most mundane daily events and they can spin it into the funniest post ever. Other blogs are just people posting about their day to day, as if they are carrying on a casual conversation with friends. Others still, are so out there and just full of very random ramblings. And mine? I guess my writing is pretty deep in some ways. Perhaps it isn't, and maybe the depth conveyed is really just a reflection of the style with which I write. Eloquent? Wordy? Flowing? Analytical? Relational? Maybe one, maybe two, maybe all of these things and more. I don't know.

I've always enjoyed writing, but somewhere along the way an overly practical mother discouraged the pursuit of it because it's not considered a lucrative professional track. So as good as I was at it when I was younger, winning some awards for poetry and short stories, and loving my journal time, it fell by the wayside and I pursued a more practical career path. I kept at it during my college years and now, when I look back, I should have taken that leap and pursued a writing or journalism degree. But my younger years were a bit messed up and such is life.

Through this wonderful period of gratitude I am going through, I am once again rediscovering the ease, the flow, and the joy of writing. All of my posts right now are just flowing. There's no struggle, no writers block, no real inhibitions at all and I'm loving it! There isn't even much revision or drafts going on. It's just a dump and I realized today that I *am* a good writer. And I can only imagine how much better I'd be if I kept pursuing it and learning more about it. I see a writing class in the future, maybe. It's in the back of my mind. :-)

Now that I have rediscovered my love for writing, what do I do with it? I'll have to mull over this question for a while. Any suggestions out there?

Sometimes I write and I wonder how other people are perceiving it, and it's an odd thing to know that my "blog friends" with whom I have never met, but with whom I have forged a cyber relationship with are reading this. How am I being perceived? Does it really matter what they think? Yes and no, I guess. Just like real life, you don't want to be rejected or perceived a certain way because of one facet of your persona that people see, and so I wonder. My current posts have been spiritual and reflective in nature, but in no way am I a bible thumper in real life. And the other stuff going on in my life? I guess the funny interaction with my roommate the other day didn't really feel significant enough to blog about. And so, I realized that my lighter side is not conveyed, but that's just not my writing voice.

Hmm...dunno where I was going with that train of thought, except that there's a lot going on in real life and to write in "this voice" is really what flows from within. Anything else would just not be an authentic reflection of my writing self.

I remember a friend's advice when I was getting frustrating with my fundraising goal during my half marathon training. They said, "why are you really doing it? Don't worry about the money." I guess in a way I really get that now. Nothing can ever take away the wonderful experience, and so what if I didn't meet the goal? It's not like it would financially set me back at all. What I gained (and am still gleaning) from the experience is awesome beyond words. It's lifted my spirit up in so many ways, helped put me in great physical shape, and mentally it's been rewarding to know that I had the ability to focus and commit to the event the way I did.

I'm applying this advice to my blog as well. Why am I really doing it? It's really not for you readers. I'm not posting to get comments or feedback. While I love getting comments and know people are reading it, I realize that I'm writing for the joy and pure love of it now. And so I'm not going to concern myself with the reader's perceptions.

Another awakening has happened today. A realization that the abundance in my heart can only be channeled in so many ways, and I am fortunate to have this blog be one of those outlets.

I SO look forward to recording all of these insights coming to me. I've got tons of thoughts and tons of reflections just waiting to be posted.

Love ya,
Rambling Muse

Soul Connections

2006-02-10T19:23:00.000-08:00

Relationship thoughts this evening.

My heart is still loving everything. Reflecting on everything. Giving thanks for everything. It's yearning for more and relishing in those warm fuzzies that good friends and good memories elicit.

I had another one of those moments today.

A great conversation full of connection and understanding, of sharing and of knowing. A knowing of great works going on within us, with our circumstances and with the people around us. I'm still loving you all. No matter what grief some of you are bringing me right now. :-P

I still love you. My dear friends and family, I love you! :-)

I previously posted about a friend who was able to touch my heart and to affect me in ways that allowed my soul to sing. It's so dreamy and magical the way he is able to do this. Yes, "he", but no. This one's strictly platonic. Sorry to disappoint ya'all. Bummer, yes, but such is life. I'm just extremely grateful that I am able to experience this because I know many people haven't been fortunate enough to have friends that elicit such joy or love from your inner core. I should know. I was one of those people for a very long time. Only a handful have been able to affect me this way, and it's about time I had another one of these people come into my life!

It's like another type of awakening has happened with me, this time in the realm of friendships. I've made a ton of new acquaintances this last year, and I made a couple of great friends in the most surprising of circumstances. One being MN, whom I blog often about. She's actually a relatively new friend of mine. In fact, the first couple of times we interacted we both never thought we'd be friends at all. Some day I might blog about this friendship, but not today.

Today I'm blogging about CB.

Soulmates exists in many shapes and forms, and they come and go as the moment allows, as circumstances change. I'm fortunate that in my "old age" I'm able to appreciate my relationship with CB for what it is and not for what I wished it would be, or what it could be, or what it isn't, if that makes any sense. It's too easy to make it into a Harry-Met-Sally-thing, and in my younger years I might have read too much into it and pursued it without realizing it would head no where. But not now. Now I understand that the joy of life is just being in the moment with people who touch your life. To be in the company of people who are on the same page, and that also doesn't always mean said soulmate needs to end up being your best friend or your lover.

There's a connection between me and CB that elicits such faith and love and comfort. It's hard to describe and so difficult to explain without feeling like I'm gushing or appearing like I'm blinded by something. It's just awesome. A magnificient meeting of minds and an ethereal understanding between us for our love of God and our faith. It's rooted in an unspeakable and an undescribable type of love.

We talked again today. I brought up a question I had been pondering from bible study and through that somehow we got on the topic of our testimonies. For those of you who don't understand this, your 'testimony' is really just your story of how you came to find faith in God and Jesus Christ. For some, it's just a gradual and less than stellar story of how you decided to accept Christ into your life. For others, like myself, it was really life-changing and could be construed as 'amazing'. But in reality, any time a person comes to know God it is truly a miracle in and of itself.

Finding God is so much more than just going through the religious practices...communion, church, bible study, tithing, and so on. It's the beginning of a strong thirst that can't be quenched. A deep desire to keep knowing Him. To keep learning and growing in your relationship with Him. My thirst keeps growing and I'm doing everything I can to grow in His way and to serve others as an extension of his goodness.

But I took a tangent here.

My point in this post is the realization that people and those who come into your life, in whatever form or fashion, for whatever length of time, and in whatever season of your life (good or bad), are truly the most important things in life that should not be taken for granted.

If there's one thing I encourage you all to do, it's to take time to feed your soul. Whether it's through time spent with a great friend, with family, or whether it's through a hobby or helping a cause that you believe in. Nourishing the soul will then propel you forward and the rest will fall into place. I'm living proof of that. The chips are falling as they may, but it's only because I'm seeking the things that stir my heart.

And love. Just love all those moments and all those people you come across each and every day.

It's good. It's all good. Keep believing in it. Keep on, keeping on!

Blessings and pleasant dreams!

-Rambling Muse

SO Grateful!!

2006-02-09T22:24:00.000-08:00

I'm really just feeling God's presence right now. Not just this particular moment, but this particular period of time in my life. It's been maybe a couple of weeks since I've had this feeling, and I have no idea how long it will last. I can't even begin to explain the 'high' I'm on lately. It's so weird. I hope ya'all aren't thinking I'm tripping because if I was you and reading my latest posts, I'd be thinking I'm seriously smoking some heavy stuff, or seriously wondering what happened that triggered such posts to come out.

I don't know. I can't explain it. But I'm going to keep writing because there's just SO much going on in my life right now. SO much inspiration that I can't type fast enough to keep up with all the wonderful insights and spiritual awakenings I'm experiencing. I really want to record it all before this energy escapes me again. No major life-changing events or anything like that have happened. Nothing particularly unusual or significant has happened. I'm still going about my boring daily routine, stuck in a job that makes me miserable, and desiring a relationship that has yet to come to fruition. And yes, even the diet is the same and no, I'm not hormonal. It's more of this spiritual transformation that's going on and it's just awesome. Just completely and utterly awesome.

The other night I tried out a new bible study group. As I mentioned previously I had strayed from God for a while. I was busy living life and with all the 'noise' involved with it, that I had neglected my relationship with Him. I was still going to church on a weekly basis, but I stopped going to bible study and doing daily (or the occasional) devotional time. So with this break between now and June (June is when I am tentatively going to start training again for another marathon run) I decided I was going to fill the time by running a few smaller runs (5Ks, 10ks), look for another job, and also try out one of these new bible study groups. Again it's about balance, right? And finding your way, right?

Yesterday's lesson was called, "Let Us Draw Near To God", but that's not really relevant to this point. As my previous posts talked about, I was really "getting" the concept of "run at your own pace". I mean *really* getting it at it's essence and core and how that truly applied to my life and the life laws and lessons out there. When I showed up to bible study, there was nothing unusually special about it at all. We talked about Sat's sermon (yes, I attend Sat evenings instead of the typical Sundays) and began going through a list of questions. But then we went off on some tangent, and I don't really remember how or why, but RD began talking about growing spiritually at your own pace, and kept going on about pacing yourself and such.

This may not seem like much to you readers, but I knew that God was speaking directly to me at that moment. It's like I just *knew* it was a message for me. It was his way of affirming that I'm where I'm supposed to be at in life, and that He's with me. He knows. He knows that I'm struggling and seeking my way, and that He's working in me. It just all seemed too coincidental for me to be SO into this concept of 'pace' and then for this tangent and this woman to use these words that would resonate with me because, honestly, I'm not a religious zealot or anything (I'm probably the most faithful, yet cynical believer you'll ever know) and often times you already know the "language" of bible study. You use words like "struggle", "suffer", "humble", or "trust" a lot. And you talk about how you "feel His presence" or how "He's working" in your life. I struggle with all of those concepts sometimes and wonder often if I'm just not getting it when everyone around me seems to be nodding in agreement. But that night I was seriously feeling it. I *got* it. I *really* did. I know He's with me and telling me to keep putting him first and that all things would fall into place if I kept doing that.

So I guess through this blog and stating it here, I'm holding myself accountable to my spiritual growth. I'm recommiting myself and my time to Him for at least the next 3-4 months before I have to reallocate my time towards training. I'm going to be intentional about spending devotional time with him, both in terms of church and bible study attendance, and also by diligently praying each evening. I keep you all in my prayers anyway, but if you happen to have any particular prayer requests, email them to me and I'll see what I can do. :-P I don't know if I have much clout with the man upstairs, but He's a good God and will answer them according to his perfect will. I know that for sure!

Another random thing this evening...an old boyfriend of mine called me up (ironically when I was at the bible study) and since I got out late I called him back tonight instead. We'd been in touch occasionally over the years, so this wasn't completely out of the blue or anything. I dated DL way back in college when I was a freshman and, well, long story short, my mom hated him, I was rebellious, and then he broke my heart. We were together less than a year. Now, over 10 years later, he's finalizing his divorce and has joint custody of their 4 1/2 year old daughter. And here I am, still single and dating.

After talking to DL and catching up, it was yet another sign. I felt nothing for him but genuine concern and goodness for his well-being and I could hear the struggles and the searching he was going through, and all I wanted to do was help lift him up. I know he was reaching out and God put me here to help him along during this part of DL's journey in life. It was like another form of closure for me. God happened to bring DL back into my life right now to to reaffirm that I was moving on. That I was doing good. That I should give thanks again for the path my life took. And after talking to DL, there was a lot to give thanks for. I could not have imagined what life would have been like had I stayed with him for any duration longer than I did. I could tell we were SUCH different people, and when I hung up the phone I gave thanks for the gift of singleness. I've grown in so many ways as a single person. I could not imagine being married to the "wrong" person for even a minute. I'd much rather be happy as a single than miserable married. I'm SO grateful for this fact, and I know - I just know - that God will bring the right man into my life when the time is right. In the mean time, I'm just going to trust Him, trust His timing, be faithful and just serve Him and those around me in love and in kindness.

My heart just wants to burst at the seams with all this love and gratitude I'm feeling these days.

Stay tuned. I know there's much more just waiting to be blogged about.

Love ya,
Rambling Muse

Thanks, Dobermann! :-)

2006-02-09T17:33:00.000-08:00

Dobermann sent this lovely tidbit to me while I was feeling down. I wanted to share it with you all.

Original version here, translation below. Enjoy!

------------------------------------

Vaikka sydän huutaa
Sitä raastaa ja repii
Vaikka sydän pakahtuu
Kuin puristaisi sen

Kyyneleet huuhtovat
tuskan pois ajallaan
On parempi tuntea ja kaatua
Kuin ei tuntea laisinkaan

------------------------------------

Though the heart cries
It's rip and torn
Though the heart crushes
Shattered

Tears wash
the pain away in time
It's better to feel and fall
than never feel at all

And by those tears
the heart will heal

National Prayer Breakfast

2006-02-08T22:53:00.000-08:00

I have no idea when or where the National Prayer Breakfast took place. I vaguely remember hearing about it in the news some time ago. I just read Bono's speech through another blog, and the excerpt below stood out to me. Something about it made me pause and ponder.

Read Bono's entire speech here.

"A number of years ago, I met a wise man who changed my life. In countless ways, large and small, I was always seeking the Lord's blessing. I was saying, you know, I have a new song, look after it. I have a family, please look after them. I have this crazy idea...

And this wise man said: stop.

He said, stop asking God to bless what you're doing.

Get involved in what God is doing - because it's already blessed."

The Life and Times of the Rambling Muse

Hello!

Not My Feet

Song Lyrics

Summer Fun

Hats Off To You Parents

Are You Sure We're Related?

The Book Study - Chapter 2

Drawing Near To God

The Book Study - Chapter 1

Opening the Eyes of My Heart

Run #3

20 Things I Miss About Not Having A Relationship

The Caterpillar Soon To Be Butterfly

I Love You, Daddy

The Book Study

Run #2

A Brilliant Idea

Another Tear Shed...Waiting Faithfully

Lazy

Who Do You Want To Become?

Tired

You Just Have To Wonder

Go Out With Me!

Previous Thoughts

Inaugural Run

Feeling Better

A Letter to My Dad

Song Lyrics

*Poof*

Angry

Still Missing My Dad

I Miss My Dad

A Letter to My Dad

No More Online Dating For Me

Wild Rain

Society of the Honor Guard

The Meme

Memorial Day "Thank You"

Estelle (Peck) Ishigo (1899 -1990)

Story of Isaiah 65:24

A Big Post

WOW

Hand Update

Acronym Generator

It's Normal?

Laughing In My Sleep

For My Mom, On Mother's Day

For My Grandma (And Grandpa), On Mother's Day

A Letter to Mom

Deja Vu Quote?

I think I've Overdosed on Public Television

Try This...

Steve Jobs Quote

Want or Want Not?

Black Cast?!?

The Thumb Is A Very Important Appendage

In The Midst of Growth

Happy Easter!

Making My Way To California

My Life By 5's

Song Lyrics

Which Superhero Are You?

Happy Birthday To Me!!

The Weekend - And More - In A Nutshell

In Search Of The Holy Grail (aka Unscented Deodorant)

My Soul Wants Answers

Dunno...

10 Things I Love About My Sister

Strange Evening

Knowing When To Move

Do You Love Yourself?

Christian Math

I Am Such A Blob

Cute Laughing Babies

Like A Ton of Bricks

Brain Dump

What Kind of Muppet Are You?

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

Can't Get Enough Of David Hasselhoff?

Poof